This might look like a pile of my unmentionables. Wait… does anyone call underwear ‘unmentionables’ anymore?
Well… they’re not my unmentionables. They’re bathing suits. Underwear that you wear in public. Downright horrifying.
I hate bikinis.
But I still want to look like a babe in one. Wait… does anyone ever feel like a babe in a bikini!? Who are these women? I bet their thighs don’t rub together…. that’s weird.
My thighs rub together. It’s because I love rice pudding. Duh.
So… anyway… I wanna feel like I look like a babe in a bikini.
It’s true. It’s stupid. It might be impossible. Deal with it.
This won’t help. I know this with certainty.
This might help. It’s green.
Wait…. is there such thing as Lemon Poppy Seed Muffin Diet? There should be. Eat nothing but Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins and kale salads for seven days straight? That’s sorta like a cleanse… right?
Exactly. I thought so. I’m on it.