Bikinis are Stupid
This might look like a pile of my unmentionables. Wait… does anyone call underwear ‘unmentionables’ anymore?
Well… they’re not my unmentionables. They’re bathing suits. Underwear that you wear in public. Downright horrifying.
I hate bikinis.
But I still want to look like a babe in one. Wait… does anyone ever feel like a babe in a bikini!? Who are these women? I bet their thighs don’t rub together…. that’s weird.
My thighs rub together. It’s because I love rice pudding. Duh.
So… anyway… I wanna feel like I look like a babe in a bikini.
It’s true. It’s stupid. It might be impossible. Deal with it.
This won’t help. I know this with certainty.
This might help. It’s green.
Wait…. is there such thing as Lemon Poppy Seed Muffin Diet? There should be. Eat nothing but Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins and kale salads for seven days straight? That’s sorta like a cleanse… right?
Exactly. I thought so. I’m on it.
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it’s hard to feel awesome in a bikini….but lemon poppy seed muffins and kale would probably help :)
I suppose the key to rocking any bathing suit, whether it a one piece or bikini or any other type, is just not giving a damn what other people think about you. Though everyone knows this is easier said than done.
My remedy for this problem is buying a super cute suit that I feel pretty good in, like that shows off my boobs or butt really well.
At any rate, you are a beautiful woman who should embrace any curves you’ve got…even the thigh rubbing together bit, which as a member of the thigh rubbing society, I can understand that problem.
Good luck in all your bathing suit ventures this summer, I know mine are coming up this weekend!
Rice pudding with some cookie dough on the side is tough to pass up!
But I’m sure you’re more “babe” than you give yourself credit for:)
P.S. I don’t wear speedos because that ain’t sexy for anyone!
Agreed! The only thing worse than wearing an actual bikini in public is bikini shopping! Why do they make it so painful. The stupid dressing rooms, the bad lighting, and having to try on the bikini with your underwear underneath. Ugh!
Urgh. My sentiments exactly. In recently lamenting to my mom about how none of my jeans fit lately, she made the astute observation that my blog’s making me fat. “Look honey, all you do is bake and make puddings and ice cream. What do you expect?” Ouch. I feel ya’.
Fruit is good for you. Lemons are fruit. Ergo, lemon poppyseed muffins must be health food, right?
hahaha!! I bet their thighs don’t rub together. Hahaha! My thighs rub together too….
It’s such a hard balance. How are we supposed to live delicious lives and look delicious too?
I know. It’s the Lemon (Poppy Seed Muffin) Cleanse Diet. It exists. I just modified it for you love. :)
Wei-Wei
If there is not a lemon and poppy seed muffin diet, there should be one. I also think there should be a chocolate fudge diet! Actually I no longer care what I look like in a bikini, I don’t own one, actually I don’t think I’ve worn once since I was about 5, and I’m pretty content to keep it that way :)
You are my new hero :)
Where I come from… ‘Thighs rubbing together’ is known as ‘chubb rub’. And I’m sure babes with chubb rubs are still sizzling hot. Keep the poppy seed muffins coming!
chubb rub!? that’s the most horrible thing i’ve ever heard.
Joy, you are fab!
My thighs rub together too. Even when I’m running 18 miles a week. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my thighs just want to be this size and there’s nothing I can do about it!
I have to be on that diet!heehee
LOL! I hate bikinis too!
I’ll take a muffin over a bikini any day!
Bring back the swimming costumes of the early 1900s. They covered everything. In fact they were more like dresses. Perfect. I keep telling myself if I just eat cake and nothing else then it doesn’t matter. My body hasn’t exactly followed along. Not does it seem to help if you eat standing up or on the move. Oh well….luckily I am a baker and not a model!
Why, I believed the thigh-thing would happen to any woman who eats every day, because I had that problem even when I was underweight, years ago.
Better enjoy life AND wear a bikini if you feel like it…
You’re adorable. And correct. And have great taste in bathing suits. Please share where you got it! I live in Indiana so no worries on matching suits on the beach. I pinky swear. :-)
LOL your posts are just hilarious! But on a more “serious” note, you’re still very lucky coz you can still wear a bikini. I’ve never worn one and I don’t know if I ever will…But who cares? As you said, bikinis are stupid. Hehe =D
the bikini thing is a love/hate relationship, eh? oh, well, at least we can have love/love relationships with baked goods (and soups too)!
You could move to South America for the summer since it’s winter there – enjoy the hiking and the wine. Then move back to the US in the fall.
Ugghh I hate bikini season too. I always feel so pressure to eat right. I’m in Paris right now, and there are bakeries EVERYWHERE. When I return home it’s a full-piece for me!
Ugh! I know what you mean!
If there was a diet like that, I’d most definitely do it. Lemon is fruit and fruit is good for you!!
Joy, I’m failry certain you look great in your bikini. Eat your muffin, but skip dinner and go to bed hungry. I swear its the best diet out there!
go to bed… hungry!? that sounds like a nightmare!
Agreed! What was I THINKING promising to wear a bikini this summer?? I’m downright horrified. I’ve never worn one before and now it’s down to the wire… I’m not looking forward to it :(
I would totally go on the lemon poppy seed diet!
i agree, bikinis ARE stupid!!! let’s eat!
I have the answer, Joy! Buy this suit: http://www1.macys.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=474001&CategoryID=12420
You will feel unbelievably sexy, and confident. And get lots of boy talking to you on the beach. Best hundred bucks I’ve ever spent.
But you have to get it in black. Little black one-pieces are totally sexier than bikinis.
agree. love this.
You’re hilarious! I support your diet efforts :)
Muffins over bikinis!!
Women with inner thigh clearance are their own breed. I don’t know that anyone does feel like a babe in a bikini. I don’t. Ten pounds ago I didn’t and now I would kill to be back there. Ah, girls. We’re crazy.
Switch the Lemon Poppyseed to Chocolate Chip and sign me up!
inner thigh clearance….. too good.
if i am never able to wear a bikini i dont mind, as long as i can enjoy my fave sweet treats :)
wow such cool post
Hmmm, not sure on the lemon poppy seed muffin diet. Let’s just say that, erm, I happened to bake your recipe for these a few days ago. I added some black raspberry jam to the batter and they were gone within two days. And I am none the thinner. I bet it’s because I forgot to eat the kale, too. :(
But I AM happily full on those muffins!
YOU ARE BRILLIANT!!!! I love this muffin and kale diet idea. Could I have a variation off that theme and make it a chocolate, french fries and spinach diet. My thighs got skinny for a minute when I got married four months ago but now they are like two boats tied to a dock in a category four hurricane, banging into each other in full blubber-filled abandon!!!
This is the best blog I have ever seen, REALLY! And thank you. Maybe one day I will join you in blogland as I have a lot of creativity to say, eat and share and I know there is a lil’ spot out there for my voice too.
Happy summer!
Lol, I tend not to even think of my tighs rubbing together as being a problem. I preffer to think how weird and twiggily unapealing the very skinny are :P. You’re sexy BECAUSE you have curves, not in spite of it.
Also, sometimes pretending to feel comfortable in something turns happily enough into actually doing so, if you pretend with enough gumption :).
I am so with you sista! I was thinking the other day, as I was trying to perfect the caramel, that I don’t want to give up cooking/baking/eating to look a certain way. I want to appreciate my body and then enjoy life and especially FOOD!!!
You are fabulous – thanks for putting words to what so many of us feel!
xx
Ha. Wait until AFTER you have kids. I thought I looked horrible before when I would wear a bikini? Now I refuse to even put one on. I wont subject others to see my flabby stretchmarked belly! Yikes! I look HOT before, and I just wish I knew that before I had kids. I would have gone swimming and worn a bathing suit a lot more. :)
If you eat a lemon poppy seed muffin while in your bikini everyone will be distracted by the seeds in your teeth :)
Haha I hate bikini’s too. Your comment about your thighs made me laugh..
My mom and I have been referencing those bitches with “Inner Thigh Clearance” aka “ITC” for years, haha! Bikini season sucks. I love me some winter, when we can all put our clothes back on.
i’m so starting on this new diet. i’m sure it will make me look model thin for a bikini. thanks joy!
My cousin actually got married wearing only a bikini and a veil. It was in Hawaii and obnoxious even there! The marriage didn’t last and I’ll take that as a sign bikini weddings are a bad idea.
I’m on the eat everything possible and buy a bigger swimsuit diet. The dirty looks stopped coming about the time I found out the gender of the little being inside of me;)
On the other hand, there are countless number of chicks whose have “chub rub” and look way better than I do when I’m slender….I’m just sayin, a muffin or two never hurt!
I don’t think I’ve ever worn a bikini and if I have to give up muffins to wear one, then I’m certain I’ll never wear a bikini. But I think you’ll totally rock your bikini/black one piece/bathing suit of choice :)
Joy,
As I read your posts I feel like I am talking to an old friend, they make laugh, they make me cry, but most of all they make me SMILE. Today has been horrible and when I checked my email there you were just waiting for me. It brightened my day so Thanks today you were my coping mechanism because my mother in law is in town visiting and she makes me CRAZY…
♥ Nancy
I agree. Bikinis are stupid. Especially when one has a baby at 23 and goes from actually looking decent in one to never being able to wear one again. Who am I kidding- I have to wear spanx everyday just to make sure my T-shirt doesn’t pull up somehow and someone sees one of the ghastly stretch marks. Seriously, it’s happened and people HAVE actually commented on how bad they are. Who does that?? Mean people.
Man I wish someone would give me a free tummy tuck like Kate Gosselin got. After all, I look as bad as she after just ONE baby, not 8. No fair! :P
This made my laugh… it’s completely true. I’m going on my holidays tomorrow morning (not even sleeping, we have to leave at 2am), and i’m going to have to wear the dreaded bikini. After searching all year for a nice one-peice. Didn’t happen.