Why do I do this? Why do I subject you to such things?
In kindergarten… way back in the mid eighties… I was a child bride for Halloween.
Actually… I was a child… and I dressed up as a bride. That makes things less creepy.
I don’t know whose idea this whole bride thing was, certainly not mine. I was probably just stoked about wearing lipstick and a head band.
Want more? Surely you must.
I have good news and I have bad news.
The good news is that I have a new cookie recipe for you today.
The bad news is that these cookies taste like rocks.
Like… not even a joke. Rocks.
But imagine that, for some reason… you want to eat rocks… because they sort of taste like cookies.
I dunno. If you’re confused… it’s because I’m a little confused.
Let me try to find some more words.
Soup is my favorite thing to make.
If I could have been a professional soup maker instead of a professional baker… this blog would have been called something.. well, you know.
I love making soup.
I just stand in front of the stove and stir. And stir. And stir. And completely space out. Stir again. Think some thoughts. Stir. Taste. Stir.
It’s the best. It’s like taking too long a shower and accidentally washing you hair three and a half times.
I tried on about thirty different pairs of skinny jeans last week. It wasn’t cute. This trend is not ok with me.
I have thighs. They rub together a little.
These candies might be why.
I’m terrible with surprises. All that dang waiting… it just seems so silly.
I have a surprise for all y’all.
This November… just some days from this day today… there’s going to be a giveaway everyday of the month here at J the B.
Everyday! Something lovely for you to win!
Tell your friends. Call your Mom. Write your Congressman. I’m going to wait in line at the post office. It’s going to be fun.
I just thought I’d let you know… in case you were thinking of blog breaking up with me between now and next month.
I realize that I haven’t been the most reasonable person lately.
I’ve been tempting you with Doughnut Muffins topped with glossy chocolate glaze.
Those Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts were pretty absurd, right?
And Buttermilk Onion Rings? Come on… it’s just too much.
Maybe I’m trying to make up for something. Maybe what I don’t want to tell you about it the array of stoooopid movies in my Netflix queue. Maybe I want to distract you from the ridiculous amount of money I paid for a sweater at The Gap, of all places. Geez… Gap… like it’s the 90’s again. (I obviously used to shop at The Gap a lot in the 90’s… whatever.)
The point is, I busted out the whole wheat flour today… as a sort of apology.
Moreover… if you can count the number of sunflower seeds in this picture I’ll give you two thousand dollars.
Not true. But I did just say ‘moreover’…. that was mildly entertaining… to me at least.
Onions Rings make me want to drink Vanilla Milk Shakes.
Vanilla Milk Shakes make me want to eat Cheeseburgers.
Cheeseburgers make me want to eat French Fries.
French Fries make me want to drink a Coke.
Lord have mercy. What have I gotten myself into?
this weekend i…
ate a dozen of these Brownie Cookies.
helped my friend bake six hens in front of two cameras.
cleaned my closet.
drank a giant glass of wine and ate a gianter bowl of cereal. tummy ache.
learned that i need exactly three hands to successfully make peanut brittle.
mopped my hardwood floors with a beach towel. don’t tell my mom.
got a kitten.
i tell you all of this because i just thought you should know.
on monday afternoon i’m making onion rings. i skipped dinner tonight so i can eat the entire batch tomorrow. that makes sense, right?
hallelujah and amen.
I didn’t know Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts existed before I thought them up and went running to my kitchen.
Turns out they do exist… and they existed all over my kitchen counter before they stopped existing because I ate them all.
Ok. Not true. I didn’t eat them aalllll. I shared… but I really didn’t want to.
Kinda cool, right!? Are you gonna make these or what?
Wanted: Type A personal assistant. Job duties will include: reminding me what day it is, reminding me how many days I have left to write a cookbook, eating pancakes, and listening to me talk to myself as I grocery shop.
Wanted: Dude dishwasher.
Wanted: Courage… to get back on my bike again.
Wanted: A sunny winter and a kitten for Christmas.
Wanted: Cakey doughnuts with none of the fuss and all of the glaze.
That one’s just too easy. Done and done.
Cinnamon. It’s a constant in my cupboard.
Cinnamon is that spice that instantly makes baked goods feel extra warm and extra comforting.
The smell from the oven? Pretty much perfect.
It feels like Autumn is trying to sneak up on us. Cinnamon just makes sense these days. Let me show you some things I’ve shown you before. This seems like a good weekend for some baking.
Pear Spice Cake with Walnut Praline Topping. Rich. Spiced. Delicate. Caution: you will want to eat the praline topping by the fistful. You’ll have to stop yourself. Good luck.
I know what you’re thinking.
You: Seriously, Joy!? You expect me to come hear and read about how to make sugar!?
Me: Um… yes? But it’s not just sugar. It’s sugar with fancy stuff in it.
You: Skeptical. This is still sounding lame.
Me: But there’s a cute jar and fancy ribbon too! Plus… bonus! I busted out the good cutting board and the fancy doily for your viewing pleasure.
You: Hm…. dazzle me.
Me. I’m trying! Geeeez.
Say… hypothetically speaking… you have six dollars in your wallet and very close to zero dollars in your bank account and you need to make something for lunchdinner.
Also… you have a very daunting blank Word document in front of you that you’re supposed to fill with words and pictures and recipes and more words.
You’ve run out of people to text message as a distraction.
You can’t waste another minute of time on Twitter… you’ve tried… seriously.
You’ve exhausted your brain by imagining every combination of human and animal body part…. your favorite being a chubby, blue-eyed toddler with cocker spaniel ears. huh!?
Oh! And you found one lonely egg in your fridge. Hypothetically speaking of course.
Q: What would you do with yourself?
A: Make cookies.
I mean… come on… it’s the only logical/delicious option.
I think people expect me to have, um… food… for them when they drop by my house. Weird.
Don’t they know I eat popcorn for dinner?
I’m learning that I need to have at least a few staple items on hand for unexpected house guests: a jar of these spiced nuts, a cold bottle of vodka, fresh oranges and an old school juicer.
What a hostess I’m shaping up to be. Dang.