It’s onion ring time.
Were you the little girl that would put a small onion ring on her ring finger and pretend that she was married?
Yea… me neither. That’s weird.
… And I definitely didn’t do that today, as a grown-ass lady. That would be even more odd.
Except I totally did. Yea. So what.
Onion rings can be baked. Onion rings can be fried. Onion rings are always delicious. Especially when eaten off your finger.
Did you know that I podcast from my bed?
Does that make you want to listen to the Joy the Baker Podcast more or… less. (Don’t answer that. KThanks.)
To be clear, I actually podcast from the floor… where I sit… and my podcasting microphone and computer are on the bed. Sometimes there’s a cat on the bed too. I’m nothing if not completely professional. Right?
We’re 20 episodes into the Joy the Baker Podcast and I’d like to extend a high five to each and every one of you.
Here’s what’s going down if you don’t know which way is up. I’ll start at the beginning:
The Joy the Baker Podcast is like a weekly, 45-minute radio (but totally not on the radio) show with me… Joy the Baker, and Tracy from Shutterbean.
Sure… we talk a bit about food and blogs, but really we like to get down to brass tax…
You know what’s not a good idea? Shopping for jeans after an ‘eat weekend’.
Don’t act like you don’t know what an ‘eat weekend’ is. Don’t act like you haven’t ever eaten nothing but spaghetti and meat balls, doughnuts, onion rings, and mango margaritas for an entire weekend. Surely I’m not the only one.
Maybe I am the only dummy who would go shopping for jeans after such a gluttonous two days.
Can I tell you the worst part? The sales dude. Yea… DUDE. He insisted on seeing every pair of jeans I tried on. Um… no way, dude. No way.
Can I tell you the second worst part? I had to have the sales dude go back to the floor to get me a larger size in all the jeans I had selected. Larger. Yea… that wasn’t embarrassing at all.
So I made a salad.
Whatever. This has nothing to do with the jeans incident or ‘eat weekend’… maybe I just like salad more than I like onion rings.
I’m not sure I’ve eaten anything this weekend.
Well… I’m not sure I’ve eaten anything beyond chips, gummy bears, coffee, and gin.
I definitely didn’t eat this gorgeous breakfast pizza.
Really, it’s no one’s fault but my own.
There was arugula on this breakfast pizza.
Ps. That totes makes this vegetables for breakfast. Get into it!
I don’t have one single recipe memorized.
Actually wait…. I have the recipe for a Bourbon and Ginger Ale memorized. That’s two ingredients. That doesn’t really count.
I don’t have one single baking recipe set to memory. Not my Dad’s Buttermilk Biscuit recipe. Not my favorite pancake recipe. Not the best Creme Fraiche Quiche ever. None of those are in my brain.
What I do have in my brain is: my best friend’s parents’ phone number, from 1988, the license plate number for my first car, and every single lyric to Blues Traveler’s “Hook”.
Can we erase these three useless pieces of information, and replace them with: a buttermilk biscuit recipe, the quadratic equation, and something awesomely conversational… like the lifespan of the beluga whale. That would be better, don’t you think?
Here’s a few things I’ve learned from life… they definitely have nothing to do with cookies:
Don’t laugh when someone asks you out on a date. They’ll think you’re laughing at them. They won’t understand that you’re just flattered and awkward and your head is about to explode. Don’t chew gum in a public restroom. It sorta feels like you’re eating bathroom air. Capital Gross.
Lastly, don’t drink wine past 3:30am. It’s totally past your bedtime and you won’t look pretty in the morning.
It’s just that life is so beautiful, I’d hate for you to make these mistakes.
Can we talk about cookies now? Geez.
I’m not sure if I’m completely mortified by what’s about to happen, or if I’m giddy with excitement.
I’m leaning towards completely mortified. This is the part where you have hard evidence that I’m weird. There’s no denying my CatLady status now.
I made my cat a birthday cake. I’m about to tell you about it. Run away now, if you must. I’ll understand.
What is to follow is the life of this young feline, Jules (Cat) Stevens. It’s complex and it ends in an ugly yellow bow. Welcome to my life.
New Podcast is ready for your ears! The Grass is Always Greener. Dudes… it’s a good one!
I meant to make cake. I meant to make whipped cream. I meant to buy fresh raspberries. I mean to smash the three things together into a large bowl and eat it all… and then I made salad.
Don’t yell. We can not survive on doughnuts alone.
Let me tell you a little something about me… I do this weird thing wherein I eat one thing, all day. That’s not to say that I eat one carrot all day. No. I eat carrots, and only carrots all day. I don’t know why I do this. Welcome to crazybrain.
So! A few days ago when I made doughnuts…. I ate doughnuts all day. Doughnuts and lime popsicles… because I was thirsty. Clearly something is wrong with me.
I tell you all of this because it’s important you understand that salad is a good thing around these parts. A salad recipe means that I’m eating salad all day. My thighs like those days.
I need to make some decisions. I know… welcome to everyday living.
Who do you turn to when it’s time to make big decisions?
Mama and Dad? Bestest girlfriends? Awesome boyfriends? Husband? Wifey? God? Bottle of beer? Giant stack of doughnuts?
When it comes to making decisions, I make lists… and stare at them. I take hot showers and try to figure out my life. I chip my manicure off. I stop blinking.
I ask friends for advice… and wait for them to give me the answer I want. Are you guilty of this too!? Be real. Bad habit.
I ask God… I listen and then I try to figure out how I’m going to hear his answer.
I think. I make more lists. I stare.
I’ve found that tremendous amounts of fried food also help the decision making process. Well… they help pass the time during the quiet list making/staring phase of the decision making process.
Do people actually make decisions while running around like maniacs? Is that something that works? Is there a lot of yelling involved? That sounds like chaos. I prefer the sitting, staring, fried food eat, and listening method… but really, that’s just my own personal crazybrain.
Oh wait! Are you one of those people that makes important decisions while working out?! Ugh. Why can’t I be you!?
One. When did I get so annoyingly healthy? Let me just tell you… eating wholesome Vegan Carrot Ginger Coconut Soup makes Nachos with jalapenos, sour cream, and extra guacamole taste AWESOME! I know this to be true.
Two. Does this shadow make me look fat? Don’t answer that…. unless you want to say that I look skinny. Then you can totally answer it. This is me and my best friend Rachel. Rachel just moved to Missouri. I didn’t cry when she drove away with her car packed to the gills with her belongings…. except I totally did, I just didn’t want her to see me.
Three. It’s hard when people go and you’re left to stay. It makes me want Nachos with jalapenos, sour cream, and extra guacamole.
Bananas should always be bread. It’s just what’s right. Like how grapes should always be wine… or jelly. I can’t handle eating a plain banana. I have to drown… completely drown it in peanut butter, or wrap it in white bread and drench it in honey. I just can’t handle it.
I’ll tell you what I can handle. Sweet, warm banana bread. With strawberries. With peanut butter. With oatmeal. With mango. Whatever you do, don’t stop.
Low-Fat Oatmeal Banana Bread I made this and ate a major amount… and I didn’t even feel bad.
Peanut Butter Banana Bread As good as you think it sounds.
Strawberry Banana Bread And there’s browned butter. I know. I just won’t quit.
Vegan Mango Banana Bread Double fruit!
Vegan Pineapple Coconut Banana Bread A lot of words. A lot of awesome.
Rot some bananas and get your body bakin’!
Ps. I’m making kale chips today.
I have a super power. I can look at a sad, understocked, and unloved fridge… and find a dessert in it. You have the bottom scrapings of the peanut butter jar, a bit of powdered sugar, and some random chocolate chips? Dessert. You have honey and walnuts? I think there’s something we can do there. You have marshmallows? Um… that’s totally dessert. You’d be surprised of the wonders you can work with strawberry jam. Bacon can be salty dessert. Bake it with brown sugar, you big dummy. Granola? Put that on anything and drizzle it with honey. Barbecue sauce!? Wait… only if you’re desperate. Capers? No… those aren’t ever dessert. Maybe I’ve gone too far.
Here’s a dessert that came from my (slightly) understocked fridge. Ok.. truth be told, I had lemon sorbet in my freezer. Maybe that doesn’t exactly count as understocked… but maybe I’ve just spoiled myself. I mixed tart lemon flavors with creamy milk and crunchy graham crackers. The result is a no muss, no fuss, anytime dessert-y good time.
This is another one of those loose recipe situations. Life doesn’t always require lists. Let’s just go with it.
Grab a blender and a pint of tart lemon sorbet. Blend sorbet with about 2/3 cup of milk. I used a few splashes over 2/3 cup. Once milkshake is blended smooth and thick, add a hearty handful of crumbled graham crackers. Stir with a spoon. Spoon the milkshake into 4 small glasses. Top with whipped cream and more graham cracker crumbled. Eat with a spoon and big ol straw. Enjoy immediately. Recipe makes about 2 1/2 cups of milkshake.
It’s creamy, bright , crunchy, DELICIOUS!
This is the end. This is the end of my day. This is the end of the week. This is the end of a pizza bagel before it meets my belly.
The end looks like a toasted bagel with fresh, seasoned tomatoes, salami, melted fresh mozzarella, and lemon pepper arugula.
The end. The end tastes toasty, fresh, salty, and melty. The end also has Project Runway reruns. The end is pretty good lookin’.
This is the beginning. The beginning of my day. The beginning of my natural and unrelenting carb cravings. The is the beginning of a bagel pizza.
Now…. just to clear the air: Yes. Yes… I come to you with bagel pizza pictures. This has to be ok, because this is how I live. If you don’t crave pizza bagels on a daily basis then… I don’t even know you anymore. I just don’t.