Joy the Baker

Don’t be a Sexy Panda for Halloween and 8 other festive tips

October 18, 2011

halloween

It’s almost Halloween.  I feel like we need to have a heart-to-heart before this holiday really takes hold.

We need to talk.  We really do.

1.  If you find yourself browsing Etsy in search of a tie to turn your cat into a businesscat for Halloween, you’re doing things right.

2.  If you find yourself entranced by the candy aisle at Target, you’re really on to something.  Although… if you’re contemplating Halloween peeps I would urge you to reconsider.

3.  If you think a gorilla costume seems like a good idea… for Halloween and just to have around the house: spot on.  Well played.

4.  If you’re considering entering a haunted house, INSIST on positioning yourself in the middle of your crowd of friends.  If you’re first or last in the group you’re probably going to die.  Haunted houses are scary and you’ll probably die.  I’d die.  Seriously.  I don’t belong in a haunted house.  I’d get my murder scream on.  No one likes that.

5.  Haunted Hay Ride?  Suspicious at best.

6.  Listen… if you’re buying the shoes for your Halloween outfit at a shoe store that also sells skimpy spandex outfits and furry handcuffs, I’m really really going to need you to stop that right now.

7.  This brings me to a very important point:  the slutty bee/nurse/policewoman/fairy/cat/warrior/French maid/girl scout/bomb inspector/hipster/moose/panda bear/zombie/Strawberry Shortcake… is SO PLAYED (major lame).  Ladies.  We’re better than this.  We don’t need to take everyday things and make them slutty.  Why!?  Why are we doing this!?  Did you know that we have the ability and freedom to dress like hussies everyday of the year if we choose?  Seriously.  It’s Wednesday, go for it.  Be bold!!  Why take the respected and regal bumble bee and turn that into a hot mess? WHY!?

I distinctly remember when the whole slutty Halloween costume entered my life.  I was 16.  I was an old lady (with shawl, wig, crazy lipstick, and glasses).  My best friend Andrea was a French maid.  Yep.  Lines were drawn.  I knew who I was….

8.  Don’t be slutty.  Slutty on Halloween is DUMB and predictable and DUMB!  Dressing majorly skimpy on a random Tuesday is edgy.  Remember that.

9.  You might consider:  Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth, Kate Middleton, Mila Kunis in Book of Eli, a random Jennifer Garner/Alias get up.  Other suggestions: dress up as your best friend.  Be the secretary to your businesscat.  Be a California Raisin.  Be a bonkers bride.  Be Frida Kahlo.  Be Michelle Obama… and don’t be slutty Michelle Obama.. that’s just straight disrespectful.

Are we cool?  Sweet.

Happy Halloween!


284 Comments Add A Comment

  • I think I might just print off about five thousand copies of this list and laminate them, so I can hand them out all over town. Would that be rude?

  • I absolutely 100% agree with you!! Back in college, my sorority held an annual Halloween party and it took me until senior year to finally decided against wearing a slutty costume. I wore a homemade Super Girl costume (in no way sexy… trust me) and had a fantastic night =). You costume suggestions are fantastic!

  • Laughed SO much at this post, but please explain how to dress up as a Californian Raisin? Or any raisin for that matter…

  • I agree with you on the haunted hay ride. I don’t like the idea one bit. I need a gorilla suit now. I wont make it slutty.

  • So Cool and right on. It’s a time for fun and candy not foolishness.

  • “Be the secretary to your businesscat.” With his dry cleaning, bone dry cappuccino and first class tickets to London!

  • I adore your recipes, but I love this kind of post too! Such a fun read. If you’re planning on being the secretary to your business cat, please share pictures with us. That sounds hilarious.

    I’m super excited for my costume this year. Remember the old Nickelodeon show Salute Your Shorts? I’m being ZZ Ziff (the hippie chick camper), and my boyfriend is being Ug Lee (the camp counselor) for Halloween this year. It’s nostalgic, cheap, and best of all, not slutty!

  • I saw a slutty Freddie Krueger costume last week. Can we get much worse than this? Seriously? I want the sexy Hannibal Lector next…

  • “entranced by the candy aisle at Target” — oh yes, big time. They have seasonal offerings like White Chocolate KitKats and M & M’s that only come out once a year. Not health food. Not apologizing. Love it.

    Also love your whole don’t slut it up parts. Thank you. And as the mother of a 4 year old…trust me, even 4 yr old fairy costumes are already getting hooch-ified. Yes, they are. Nothing wrong with a little makeup once a year, dressing up to be a princess or Barbie even. It’s the out and out four going on 24 that is bothersome. They are just little girls! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest :)

  • Love the picture.
    But I love the “talk” more! And yes, ALWAYS better to be in the middle of a group when in a haunted house.
    Ooh, this just brought back a BAD memory. I was on an amusement park ride like the Haunted Mansion at Disney, but in Rhode Island by myself in one of those cars when I was about 10. (wow, would you look at all of those prepositional phrases!) I’m getting all freaked just thinking about it! I’d ridden this ride before and it was really no big deal, but this one time, my best friend was in the car in front of me, and at this one point where the car stops, some guy, and it was a real honest to goodness LIVE guy, GRABBED my head!!! I reached up, felt his fingers, and he said, “Are you scared?!” I said yes, and he in this horribly freakish laugh
    said,”You’d better be!!!” He let go and then the car started moving. It had NEVER happened in the ride before and it was the scariest thing ever! For a 10 year old, at least.
    Oh my goodness, Joy. I had forgotten all about that. How am I supposed to go to sleep now?!

  • Awesome tips and some were hilarious to read through. Yeah all set and I am planning to dress up my infant in a robot costume . Does that sound cool to you?????? Happy Halloween!!!

  • I soooo rocked the first Alias look from Jennifer Garner…Red wig and all! One of my fave costumes of mine:)

  • THANK YOU! couldn’t have said with as much gusto. So, ladies….PLEASE represent (in a none-slutty-ish way) with respect and dignity.

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