Don’t be a Sexy Panda for Halloween and 8 other festive tips
It’s almost Halloween. I feel like we need to have a heart-to-heart before this holiday really takes hold.
We need to talk. We really do.
1. If you find yourself browsing Etsy in search of a tie to turn your cat into a businesscat for Halloween, you’re doing things right.
2. If you find yourself entranced by the candy aisle at Target, you’re really on to something. Although… if you’re contemplating Halloween peeps I would urge you to reconsider.
3. If you think a gorilla costume seems like a good idea… for Halloween and just to have around the house: spot on. Well played.
4. If you’re considering entering a haunted house, INSIST on positioning yourself in the middle of your crowd of friends. If you’re first or last in the group you’re probably going to die. Haunted houses are scary and you’ll probably die. I’d die. Seriously. I don’t belong in a haunted house. I’d get my murder scream on. No one likes that.
5. Haunted Hay Ride? Suspicious at best.
6. Listen… if you’re buying the shoes for your Halloween outfit at a shoe store that also sells skimpy spandex outfits and furry handcuffs, I’m really really going to need you to stop that right now.
7. This brings me to a very important point: the slutty bee/nurse/policewoman/fairy/cat/warrior/French maid/girl scout/bomb inspector/hipster/moose/panda bear/zombie/Strawberry Shortcake… is SO PLAYED (major lame). Ladies. We’re better than this. We don’t need to take everyday things and make them slutty. Why!? Why are we doing this!? Did you know that we have the ability and freedom to dress like hussies everyday of the year if we choose? Seriously. It’s Wednesday, go for it. Be bold!! Why take the respected and regal bumble bee and turn that into a hot mess? WHY!?
I distinctly remember when the whole slutty Halloween costume entered my life. I was 16. I was an old lady (with shawl, wig, crazy lipstick, and glasses). My best friend Andrea was a French maid. Yep. Lines were drawn. I knew who I was….
8. Don’t be slutty. Slutty on Halloween is DUMB and predictable and DUMB! Dressing majorly skimpy on a random Tuesday is edgy. Remember that.
9. You might consider: Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth, Kate Middleton, Mila Kunis in Book of Eli, a random Jennifer Garner/Alias get up. Other suggestions: dress up as your best friend. Be the secretary to your businesscat. Be a California Raisin. Be a bonkers bride. Be Frida Kahlo. Be Michelle Obama… and don’t be slutty Michelle Obama.. that’s just straight disrespectful.
Are we cool? Sweet.
Happy Halloween!
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Lol LOVE. I murder scream too – high five!
Imagine… I am bored, surfing for nail polish ideas a month or 2 ago and I randomly stumble upon your blog and love it (pretty nails, btw) . Oh – you have a podcast about baking. Ok, I like podcasts. When I find myself laughing hysterically to your version of the Baywatch theme, I know I have found something truly rare and special. Thanks to you and your nail polish, I also have Uh Yeah Dude, The Crush and The Table Set to enjoy!! Thank you so much Joy and Tracy! p.s. Cutest Halloween photo ever!
this. is. awesome.
Love your Festive tips. Halloween has been my favorite holiday of all time and coming in close second is Dias de los Muertos. I love how we can dress up as whatever we want and no one really cares. . . .but personally I hate all this slutty attire for Halloween, though I really did love the Lilu white stripy costume from Fifth Element I saw on this one girl one year. Awesome.
I’d rather be a little more ingenious with my outfit than be slutty. I am going to be the Chiquita banana girl and my Hubby is going to be a giant banana. :D
Ummm….Yeah…..just saw an internet ad for a Sexy Watermelon costume……..your wisdom needs to be spread around some more I think. :)
You are too funny! I was just thinking the same thing too. It is ridiculous seeing all of those slutty halloween costumes for women. Who wears them?! Not moms, at least not moms outside of their own bedroom! We are having a a halloween party for my 4year old this weekend and if I pranced down in a slutty costume people would be shocked. Bad things would happen and I’d lose all my friends! Some thing are just not meant to be shared with the whole world. Since we did lingerie become a halloween costume?
This is hilarious and so true!! I am making my dog into super dog!!
This year I’m turning 30, on Halloween (ohhh yeah!!) and maybe it’s me getting older, but it seems that every year, it’s a competition for who can slut it up more – one “acquaintance” went dressed as a “gold digger” once. She *is* one. What’s the word for that? And what is it with the boys who like to dress up as girls?! (oh…does that only happen here on the island? :P)
have you ever seen The Bobcats comic at The Oatmeal? yeah, the t-shirt i ordered–2 cats wearing ties and holding mugs of coffee–just arrived. so glad to know i’m not the only one amused by businesscats :)
At a Halloween store yesterday, I heard a customer lament to a sales clerk that all of the costumes were too skimpy and slutty for her to wear at her school’s Halloween Social (I assume she was a teacher?). The clerk looked at her with a totally straight face and insisted that if she just put tights under any of the slutty costumes that they would be totally appropriate. Riiiight. Because putting tights under Sexy Snow White makes it instantly appropriate for running the cake walk at a middle school social?
1. There is a restaurant by me that does french fry nachos. they’re pretty awesome. almost french fry tacos. or you can go to taco johns and put potato ole’s in your taco… not that i’ve ever done that…
2. I am being my cat for Halloween. Super excited about it. Though one of her trademarks is running around with her little cat butt flashing around… probably slutty and not preschool teacher appropriate for my not so little butt to be flashing around as well. Might have to improvise that.
3. You make me laugh. Thank you.
Geez…I guess I should take back my slutty Barack Obama Halloween git-up…
Haha kidding.
I swear, this very post reinforced the reasons as to why you are my blogging inspiration.
Keep it up :)
Every year for the past few years I’ve created a slutty costume parody. I turn something completely not sexy into a sexy outfit. As the years go by it’s getting harder since the slutty costumes have become so ridiculous, but I just keep getting MORE ridiculous. First year I was a slutty granny (complete with walker), then a HObo, then a sexy lobster (with drawn butter purse and giant claws), and this year I shall be a slutty palm tree. The irony lies in the fact that slutty-costumed girls always compliment my outfits. Lolz on you, ladies!
“8. Don’t be slutty. Slutty on Halloween is DUMB and predictable and DUMB! Dressing majorly skimpy on a random Tuesday is edgy. Remember that.”
Today is Tuesday…and this thread is now worthless without pics. :)
(The Crest kid is priceless… there is no value on Earth greater than having photos of your kids dressed that way. And then having those kids hit 15.)
I’m a high school English teacher. When one of my AP students was telling me about her sexy Snow White costume, I emailed her this post. I think I might be changing lives here. :)
Love this post! I ended up buying costumes for my cats this year (Puss in Boots and a Vampire), but couldn’t justify the Sally & Jack costumes (Nightmare Before Christmas) I wanted to buy for the husband and I.
Is nobody mentioning that freaking amazing crest toothpaste costume?
I completely agree that the whole slutty ____ has been overplayed. Check out http://takebackhalloween.org I think you’ll really enjoy reading through all the great costume ideas! Or even http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/100import/ for more costume ideas!
Last year we were invited to a party and we didn’t really know anymore than a few people that would be there. I dressed as a Christmas tree and thought it was a decent costume for a last minute throw together. I felt stupid as I clearly did not get the memo about wearing as little clothing as possible. There were three bumble bees in attendance. Where’s the creativity? Drives me absolutely nuts.
Yes. Thank you for posting this. I just got into an argument with friends about how I hate Halloween because of the ‘you must be a slut’ rule. I’m a bigger lady (what can I say, I like cupcakes), and just because the costume comes in plus size dose not mean my plus-sized thighs need to hang out of it.
A few years ago someone I know sent around a link for a slutty librarian costume. I was like, “why oh why!”
Especially, because there are already things out there for nude librarians, so it seems extra silly to go as a slutty librarian who doesn’t even have a passing pretense at looking like a real librarian.
Amazing, amazing post! I love and agree with your take on the slutty outfits. I will be directing others here. Hehe. :) Have a great Halloween this year!
Last night, I took our 3 boys to a pancake dinner and Trunk or Treat held by a local Volunteer Fire Department. When I saw the hostesses were a skanky “scurvy” pirate, a Playboy Easter bunny and a “firefighter” who was missing the bottom half of her “uniform,” I had to bite my tongue to stop from snickering. All I could think of was your post. Hilarious and sadly, so spot-on.
Joy,
I don’t know you, and have never commented before, but I had to today because this weekend my husband and I saw a “sexy panda.” We had just read this blog post the day before (and were brought to tears we were laughing so much) – and then, driving in our neighborhood, there he was (yes, he) – shirtless, sexy panda. It was, indeed, a hot mess.
Amen! I love love love this post. Well said!!
hahahah #5 and #4 my thoughts exactly