Don’t be a Sexy Panda for Halloween and 8 other festive tips
It’s almost Halloween. I feel like we need to have a heart-to-heart before this holiday really takes hold.
We need to talk. We really do.
1. If you find yourself browsing Etsy in search of a tie to turn your cat into a businesscat for Halloween, you’re doing things right.
2. If you find yourself entranced by the candy aisle at Target, you’re really on to something. Although… if you’re contemplating Halloween peeps I would urge you to reconsider.
3. If you think a gorilla costume seems like a good idea… for Halloween and just to have around the house: spot on. Well played.
4. If you’re considering entering a haunted house, INSIST on positioning yourself in the middle of your crowd of friends. If you’re first or last in the group you’re probably going to die. Haunted houses are scary and you’ll probably die. I’d die. Seriously. I don’t belong in a haunted house. I’d get my murder scream on. No one likes that.
5. Haunted Hay Ride? Suspicious at best.
6. Listen… if you’re buying the shoes for your Halloween outfit at a shoe store that also sells skimpy spandex outfits and furry handcuffs, I’m really really going to need you to stop that right now.
7. This brings me to a very important point: the slutty bee/nurse/policewoman/fairy/cat/warrior/French maid/girl scout/bomb inspector/hipster/moose/panda bear/zombie/Strawberry Shortcake… is SO PLAYED (major lame). Ladies. We’re better than this. We don’t need to take everyday things and make them slutty. Why!? Why are we doing this!? Did you know that we have the ability and freedom to dress like hussies everyday of the year if we choose? Seriously. It’s Wednesday, go for it. Be bold!! Why take the respected and regal bumble bee and turn that into a hot mess? WHY!?
I distinctly remember when the whole slutty Halloween costume entered my life. I was 16. I was an old lady (with shawl, wig, crazy lipstick, and glasses). My best friend Andrea was a French maid. Yep. Lines were drawn. I knew who I was….
8. Don’t be slutty. Slutty on Halloween is DUMB and predictable and DUMB! Dressing majorly skimpy on a random Tuesday is edgy. Remember that.
9. You might consider: Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth, Kate Middleton, Mila Kunis in Book of Eli, a random Jennifer Garner/Alias get up. Other suggestions: dress up as your best friend. Be the secretary to your businesscat. Be a California Raisin. Be a bonkers bride. Be Frida Kahlo. Be Michelle Obama… and don’t be slutty Michelle Obama.. that’s just straight disrespectful.
Are we cool? Sweet.
Happy Halloween!
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Business Cat, Business Cat…does whatever a Business Cat does.
I know what you mean about the slutty costumes. I went as a witch last year. Not a slutty one or Elphaba, but rather the Grimm Fairy Tales Version. An old hag in disguise that tests the hero’s morals. I think I confused a lot of people.
Ohhhh myyyyy…this made me laugh out loud at my desk at work. My coworkers think I’m crazy, but I so needed that after the week I’ve had!
I’ve never been one for the “sexy” costume. This year? The log lady from Twin Peaks. Not sexy. At all.
oh my god i love you.
please please be the secretary to your business cat.
i’m obsessed.
and take some pictures. YES
I am sharing this in the hopes of avoiding having to look at all my “friends” slutty halloween photos on facebook in a few weeks.
You are the best. You took a stand! (One that I heartily agree with!) Tell it, girl.
Oh joy – love love love it – I’m still giggling. You are spot on.
Let’s go people – ban together against the slutty costumes.
PS – the Crest costume ROCKS.
Amen Sista!!!
(and don’t even get me started about people who let their 9 year old daughters dress up in those trashy little outfits!!)
Preach it, Joy. Preach.
Dammit, I was going to be a slutty businesscat…
Kidding, totally kidding.
I agree with you entirely. The first year I was an RA in college, I went out in the hallway on day the week before halloween to find almost all of my female residents (freshman) prancing about in their teeny, tiny costumes. I straight up told them to put on some clothes and went back in my room.
This is AWESOME. I love it. Such great words of wisdom for the lost Halloweeney.
this. THIS is what I’ve ben trying to explain to my friends for years. Imagine being 21 at a halloween party and dressed as your great grandmother (quite literally), while every other girl is a sexy-something-or-other. Stuck out like a sore thumb, but wore it proud. I blame the slutty thing on neverending hormones and lack of creativity…. ;)
Google ” Anna rexia “. For reals. Shit is f’d up ladies.
So true! It’s way to cold in the Wisconsin to slut it up anyway.
I am so in love with this post. Thank you for saying exactly what is going through my brain.
I am currently obsessed with coming up with an awesome Halloween costume that is NOT slutty. Wish me luck.
I was laughing as well. I do think Halloween has become a day for girls & women to dress slutty.
I usually do not, but a little fun is involved. @ Steffy my son wants to dress as Special Agent Dale Cooper. LOL But know one will know who he is.
Gosh, I’ve been against this for years! I look at these costumes now and wonder; when did it become OK to wear your “bedroom role playing” costumes outside? I think what’s worse about this slutty Halloween costume deal is how moms dress up in their slutty outfits next to, let’s say, their Winnie the Poo costumed kid. What is wrong with these women? This has to STOP.
You always make me smile. I am guilty of a few unintentionally revealing costumes in my younger days (the worst by far was a tinkerbell costume made for me by a friend’s mom…. shiny + corset + green = super horrible memories) but the past couple of years I have opted for scary movie marathons & halloween candy fights instead of heading out in costume – everyone here is right, once you hit a certain size everything you see has “sexy/slutty” in the title. Booerns.
PS – if business cat doesn’t work, you can try jester cat (the costume I found just has a collar with nothing dangling), dog cat (dog ears that tie on) or my personal favourite – pig cat (lucky for me, my cat is fat enough to fit medium sized dog costumes).
WHY DID WE NOT BUY THOSE CHIMP MASKS??!!!
AMEN! (says the 7thzillionth commenter). SERIOUSLY? Who agrees with this, anyways? Any ladies out there? No?! MMMHHMMM…JUST AS I SUSPECTED. Some wingbat men bigshots at the costume companies telling us ladies what to by for hollooowweennzzez. :D FOR. SERIOUS. Also, I will never see sexy costumes in the same light again. You are a hero. A champion. I am just going to humbly suggest right here that you congratulate yourself with a big bowl of (insert some awesome recipe here) because you have just save the planet of one of the most heinous holiday crimes next to crazy Christmas shoppers. YIKES>
SERIOUSLY!
Last year I dressed up as a crazy old cat lady (disgusting sweater from goodwill, stuffed animal cats pinned all over me, an ugly grey wig and glasses) and my friend dressed up as BOB ROSS. She was great.
We went out that night and were standing outside and guys were hitting on us… dressed as a crazy cat lady (fully clothed) and BOB ROSS (badly drawn on mustache/beard) and all. Hilarious.
On top of all of your well-spoken reasons not to dress slutty for Halloween, doesn’t anyone else stop to think about the temperature? In many places, October is very chilly. I remember wearing gloves and sweatpants under my costume! Am I the only person who gets cold when wearing minimal clothing?
Thank you, JOY! Spot on.
I am going to be a cow for halloween (without the utters…that’d be weird). Because its white sweats with black spots.
Comfort. It’s the way to go.
This makes me think of a bit by Jim Gaffigan.
“I’m a witch!”
“If she was a hooker…”
Also? My favorite Halloween costume – I dressed all in pink and strapped a flip-flop to my head. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a piece of gum. Best costume ever. At least for being sixteen.
I went to a Halloween party a few years ago and the host’s daughter was dressed like a French Maid, a very scantily dressed French Maid. This kid was about 12 at the time…
my friend and i were french maids the halloween we were maybe 10? but we were so naive we didn’t know it was something “sexy”… we just liked the black-and-white dresses. sad, i know!
Hahaha! This post killed me! I’m going as a zombie geisha, and not a slutty one, I’m going for the real deal, I don’t think I could get anymore covered up than that!
My favorite costume to date was being dressed up as Yoshi, I was warm while running between bars and my seat was cushioned the whole night from my puffy get up, the best! Also on the subject of slutty things, SLUTTY CUPCAKES! Yes it happened and it made me so upset!
P.S. I’ll be your bussinesscat’s secretary!!!
I agree completely with all of you! The slutty costumes are typical, boring, and most of the time these girls should not be wearing them in the first place. Come on ladies.. put a little more thought into it!
Last year my friend and I wrapped ourselves in burlap, drew X’s over our eyes, and we made fake “pins” and went as Voodoo Dolls for Halloween. We looked SO much better than those store bought hussies!
Buy the peeps. Then turn them into awesome creme brule s’mores. Here, I’ll show you the awesome: http://prairietrails.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/im-burnin-baby-burnin/
And yes please! May all the women of the world unite to get rid of these ridiculous, non-creative, slutty-whatever costumes. This goes double for those mareketed to the under 18 set. Yick.
I agree with you, Joy, but I’m tempted by the gym sock…
My dog’s name is Honey. I bought her a bee costume.
Am considering dressing up as a hive.
I love that Frida Kahlo is on your list! I was going to go as her one year but decided not to because I figured most of the people at the party I was going to wouldn’t know who she was so instead I went as a witch…I had people asking me all night what I was dressed up as, how confusing is black clothes, green face and a pointy hat? Maybe I should have gone as a sexy witch…it would have been much scarier :)
Never been a fan of slutty costumes. I thought the whole point of Halloween is to be spooky! This was probably the most amusing Halloween post I’ve seen this year. Thanks for the laugh.
During the last few Halloweens I’ve been a football coach and the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Both costumes were funny, homemade, and incredibly comfortable :)
It’s like in Mean Girls when Lindsay Lohan shows up in a real costume and all the other girls are half naked!! :)
By far, my favorite blog post of yours yet. Cry laugh funny. That’s real life!
i like real life.
I dunno about anyone else, but who wants to wear a midriff exposing costume while overindulging on Halloween deserts? Be the fluffy blue monster from Monsters Inc, and no one will know you’re full of candy (+ no need for a puffer coat that will cover up all your glittery hard work).
COMPLETELY agree about the sluttiness schtick. The best two costumes I’ve ever made:
1) Inspector Gadget, although my friends thought I was a flasher because of the trench coat I was wearing.
2) Drag queen (but I looked like a hooker/Tim Curry with Arabic drawn in eyeliner on my chest)
Dressing up like obscure dudes is so much better. I’ve gone as Buster from Arrested Development (complete with hook hand) and this year I’m going as Oliver Sacks (a bearded neurologist). So yeah. Also I went as the periodic table once. Clearly more fun.
Buster! awesome idea.
Joy, will you please write a book? I promise I’d buy at least 20 copies to give out to everyone I know. It’d be guaranteed to make their day… you crack me up! I think I laughed hardest at the ‘businesscat’ comment.
i done wrote a book. it’s coming out on february 28th.
I totally agree with you on the slutty thing. I went through my “slutty Halloween” costume phase in college and it was stupid. What is fun about getting groped by random guys who think they have free reign on Halloween- nothing is fun about that. Then at the mature age of 23, I tried a funny costume, I was a bunch of grapes. It was hilarious and Halloween was suddenly fun. From then on I’ve been something funny and will never go back!
Mmm good ideas! I already have a knockoff of Kate Middleton’s ring! I’m so going to be her for Halloween. Plus then I get to dress really posh.
I am so so sick of the slutty Halloween costumes. It’s a waste of time to even google in “women’s Halloween costumes.” Because the results are all soft core porn!
I am just an everyday person with no blog, but I wanted to say that I loved the hecks out of this post. So thanks. Bad day, slightly better.
Also, slutty hipster? I doubt it. (That’s a joke, see? A joke about hipsters. I’m tired.)
THANK YOU. (Can’t stand the slutty *insert profession or animal here* Halloween costume.)
Silly costumes are so much more fun!! So are homemade ones. :)
LOVE it!! Thank you – this needed to be said!
YAY. thanks for thinking this and saying it!!
it’s not just halloween – its spreading to any dress up party!
i went to a part recently and i was horrified at the amount of general slutty attire i was privy to.
i’m pretty sure only boring people dress slutty in costume because they’re too scared or lame to be hot all the time.
Right on! Everything you said is true to the MAX. I’m going as Lovely Rita (Meter Maid). I hope you have something just as wonderful planned!
Side story: You know how in college, there are always boys and sluts parties, like Business Bros and Office Hoes? Well, at my friends’ school they decided to be more obtuse: Dinosaurs and Sluts!…somehow everyone dressed as a dinosaur.
Sing it!
My friend did a whole long thesis or something or other about Halloween costumes and the slut factor and how it starts younger. It was all very feminist and professional and sad. Your list says it well without making me feel like society as a whole is dying.
Also, I very much love the Crest Tube costume. Best costume I’ve seen in years!
Love it Joy! Reading from Australia. My cat is black and white, so he already looks like he’s wearing a tuxedo, a bow tie would be a great finishing touch.
My friend has some bow ties on etsy to check out! http://www.etsy.com/shop/blessyourcottonsocks