Don’t be a Sexy Panda for Halloween and 8 other festive tips


It’s almost Halloween.  I feel like we need to have a heart-to-heart before this holiday really takes hold.

We need to talk.  We really do.

1.  If you find yourself browsing Etsy in search of a tie to turn your cat into a businesscat for Halloween, you’re doing things right.

2.  If you find yourself entranced by the candy aisle at Target, you’re really on to something.  Although… if you’re contemplating Halloween peeps I would urge you to reconsider.

3.  If you think a gorilla costume seems like a good idea… for Halloween and just to have around the house: spot on.  Well played.

4.  If you’re considering entering a haunted house, INSIST on positioning yourself in the middle of your crowd of friends.  If you’re first or last in the group you’re probably going to die.  Haunted houses are scary and you’ll probably die.  I’d die.  Seriously.  I don’t belong in a haunted house.  I’d get my murder scream on.  No one likes that.

5.  Haunted Hay Ride?  Suspicious at best.

6.  Listen… if you’re buying the shoes for your Halloween outfit at a shoe store that also sells skimpy spandex outfits and furry handcuffs, I’m really really going to need you to stop that right now.

7.  This brings me to a very important point:  the slutty bee/nurse/policewoman/fairy/cat/warrior/French maid/girl scout/bomb inspector/hipster/moose/panda bear/zombie/Strawberry Shortcake… is SO PLAYED (major lame).  Ladies.  We’re better than this.  We don’t need to take everyday things and make them slutty.  Why!?  Why are we doing this!?  Did you know that we have the ability and freedom to dress like hussies everyday of the year if we choose?  Seriously.  It’s Wednesday, go for it.  Be bold!!  Why take the respected and regal bumble bee and turn that into a hot mess? WHY!?

I distinctly remember when the whole slutty Halloween costume entered my life.  I was 16.  I was an old lady (with shawl, wig, crazy lipstick, and glasses).  My best friend Andrea was a French maid.  Yep.  Lines were drawn.  I knew who I was….

8.  Don’t be slutty.  Slutty on Halloween is DUMB and predictable and DUMB!  Dressing majorly skimpy on a random Tuesday is edgy.  Remember that.

9.  You might consider:  Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth, Kate Middleton, Mila Kunis in Book of Eli, a random Jennifer Garner/Alias get up.  Other suggestions: dress up as your best friend.  Be the secretary to your businesscat.  Be a California Raisin.  Be a bonkers bride.  Be Frida Kahlo.  Be Michelle Obama… and don’t be slutty Michelle Obama.. that’s just straight disrespectful.

Are we cool?  Sweet.

Happy Halloween!

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285 thoughts on “Don’t be a Sexy Panda for Halloween and 8 other festive tips

  1. Joy, thanks for this wonderful post!
    I remember my first college party… I was dressed as the dead girl from the Ring and all my girl friends had matching sexy race car girl outfits. I never felt so out-of-place. Reading your post reminds me that I’m not alone in my quest to de-sluttify Halloween!

  2. You said it all! I was looking at Halloween costumes for myself, since I do dress up with the kids…and there is nothing decent or presentable for day time use. Slutty is right…please don’t do it. I think I will pull out my old Cleopatra outfit from 2 years ago…Happy Halloween!

  3. My first year out of college my gf’s and I dressed up as the food chain. We were linked together by glittery rope… a biology teacher took a picture to bring to her class. A bunch of 15-year-old have now seen my drunk interpretation of a “secondary consumer.”
    Another good one – two of my friends went as “one nightstands” and put a piece of cardboard around their waists and wore all black with lampshades on their heads. They put reading glasses and alarm clocks and earrings and other nightstand like things on their cardboard.

  4. Ha, I definitely was Sydney Bristow when I was in junior high. I was a BIG Alias fan. Except I didn’t have a red wig (I was trying out the pilot episode look) so no one knew who I was. Totally agree about slutty outfits being overplayed. I’m going as a homicidal housewife, which amuses me for the alliteration if nothing else!

  5. Well said! I will admit that I have a slutty French maid costume in my past but that was when I was needy and dying for attention. Which is basically what those costumes say to most people – look at me and my Daddy issues. I’m sending this post to every woman I know. Thanks!!

  6. Hahaha. Joy, I loved this. But what if I make my costume? Last year I was Jane Fonda with the leotard over the leggings and all that jazz. But it reIt was kinda slutty. But it wasn’t a sexy storebought bumble bee! That counts for something, right? I must get your response before making my costume this year. :)

  7. Oh that Crest costume in the photo – it’s just too much. I love it. I want it.

    Also, it’s important to note that those who choose to be the secretary to their businesscat (genius idea) should go the business attire route – NOT the seXretary route seen so often on college campuses, especially nights when one frat or another is throwing their annual sex and execs party…

  8. This post needs to be a mandatory part of school for junior high, high school, and college kids! The ladies totally need to just say no to slutty costumes. We should have a whole campaign. We could make stickers with slut that has the circle and a slash through it. I think that is what I should give out this halloween (ok, with some candy)!

  9. Thank you! I wish more people felt that way. I think the labels on mass-produced “Sexy ____” costumes should really just say “Sexy Slut.” Why beat around the bush?
    My best Halloween costume was definitely Laura Ingalls Wilder. I’m not really sure there is a way to make a high-neck calico dress, bonnet, spoon pouch, and knee length pantaloons slutty!

  10. Joy, you are the best. I never understood the slutty costume thing. Needless to say in college I didn’t quite fit in on Halloween in my neighborhood, what being clothed and all.

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