Dear Santa,

Let’s have some real talk.  If you’ve been listening to my podcast you know all about what I want for Christmas.  You’ve heard me blabber on and on about glitter nail polish, sequin tops, Tina Fey, and bourbon.  Yes… I want Tina Fey for Christmas.

Actually though… I want none of these things.  Well, except chocolate.  Did I mention chocolate?  I could also use a generous dose of patience, a few more hours in the day, and enough energy to never have to sleep.  Basically I want you to turn me into a patient and kind superhero… and I want to keep my glasses.  They make me look smarter (and see better).

As a trade for such gifts, I offer you these cupcakes.  I’ve fashioned them into a haphazard Christmas tree (or pointed arrow… whatever) in an effort to please you.

Please say it works!

Sweet…

Joy

These cupcakes were the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning at 6:51am.  By 9:04 they were being baked.  Forty minutes later they were being frosted.

Sometimes the morning just required cupcakes.

Like sometimes the morning requires fried chicken… I dunno.  Inexplicable.

Oh.  There’s a thing you should know about Red Velvet Cupcakes.  Red dye.

If you sneak off to eat a cupcakes worth of batter… you’ll have a stained red mouth when you’re trying to deny licking the beaters.  Not slick.

Silky smooth Cream Cheese Frosting is the perfect topping to these simple red cupcakes.

I tinted some frosting green for some extra holiday spirit.  It’s probably what Santa would be down with.

Please consider these to be super simple holiday cupcakes.  They’re no fuss.  They’re not demanding.  They’re simple little darlings.  They’re super heros.

The red velvet cake  is moist and perfectly proportioned.  That means it’s not too light and not too dense.  Red food coloring is the key to the color of these cupcakes, but cocoa adds a lovely kick of flavor.  Vinegar is important too.  It makes the red redder and helps to activate the baking soda.  If you don’t have white vinegar… you can totally use apple cider vinegar too.  No fuss.  Let’s keep it simple.

Cream Cheese frosting?  Be proud and pile it high!  This frosting is speckled with vanilla beans and tinted with green dye.  Sure… I also went a little nutso with the yellow sprinkles.  No biggie.

Enjoy the holiday with some simple little cakes.

I’m totally a good person to surprise.

If you tell me that you’re stuck in Seattle working all weekend, and you can’t come down for my birthday,  I’ll believe you.  I’ll believe you, because I love you and you’re not a liar.

If you tell me that you’re working away in Phoenix, and you simple can’t get away to celebrate my birthday,  I’ll believe you.  I’ll believe you, because I love you and you’re not a liar.

You’re going out of town to visit our grandparents?  Really?  You have to go this weekend when you knew it was my birthday?  Um… ok.  It must be important.  Go on.  I believe you.  yadda yadda yadda… you’re not a liar.

This birthday.  Oh man! I was hit with surprise, after surprise, after surprise.

Surprise!  Jill dyed her hair pink and you’re about to eat that mega doughnut… and why the heck is that kid screaming?

Surprise!  Your sister flew down from Seattle just to drink margaritas with you for the day!  Ps.  I love you, but I didn’t get a good picture of you on your visit down.  Pps.  I’m sorry.

Surprise!  Your mom and dad made you a cake!

Surprise!  Your family isn’t out of town!  They’re taking you to dinner… silly.  And there’s ice cream!

Surprise!  We’re at Disneyland.

Surprise!  Space Mountain is broken. Twice.  …Look at you standing in line like a numb-skull.

Surprise!  A very special boy  flew in from Phoenix to sit on your doorstep with wine and flowers… But… surprise! You didn’t get home until super late… because you’re a work-a-holic… and he was blowing up your phone… but you didn’t know he was on your doorstep or you totally would have gotten home sooner… or you would have at least straightened up your apartment… and done a load of laundry… and washed your hair… and wait,  you really hope you flushed the toilet.

Surprise!  Dinner with friends tastes AWESOME.

Surprise!  Welcome to caketown!

Surprise!  Pretzels!!  Thank you, Grande.

Surprise!  Ethan made you hot dogs out of cake!

Surprise!  Drink this beer and shove all of these jelly beans in your mouth.  Thank you, Melissa!

Surprise!  Cupcakes at midnight.

Like… the best/most ridiculous/ stupidly decadent cupcakes… at midnight.

Allow me to tell you about these cupcakes.  You might want to sit down.  You’re probably already sitting down… unless you’re one of those people that has a standing up desk situation.  You’re the future.  Look at you… showing off and being the future.

These cupcakes are ridiculous.  I apologize.

Soft chocolate cupcakes baked up and cooled.

A small hole is carved out of the top of the cupcake.  A walnut sized ball of Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie dough is placed in the center of the cupcake.

Cupcake is topped with glossy meringue frosting.  Cupcakes are torched under the broiler… toasting the marshmallow frosting.

What I’m trying to tell you is that I’ve made the best cupcake ever.  Cake meets cookie dough meets toasted marshmallows.

These are, most definitely, special occasion cupcakes.  Don’t go making these, willy-nilly, letting them sit around the house.  You’ll eat them for breakfast.  You’ll eat them at midnight.  You’ll think about them all day long.

Also… if you want to be the most popular person anywhere… bring these.  Take all the credit for the cake/dough/marshmallow combination.  That’s why I do this… to make you look great!

Seriously.

Thank you to every one of you who came here to wish me a happy birthday.  Really.  From the inside of my heart I thank you, I like you, and I appreciate you.  I feel like we’re friends… because we are.

Baby steps.

I need to take baby steps when it comes to gluten-free baking.

Maybe the flours confuse me.  Maybe I have no idea what guar gum is.  Maybe arrowroot is intimidating.

… It’s just that I know exactly what all-purpose flour is going to do when I combined it with baking soda and buttermilk… it’s going to make me delicious, fluffy pancakes.  I like knowing that.

But I’m being a brat.  A total brat.  I like the sound of coconut flour.  I learned that arrowroot is just a thickening starch that comes from a plant.  I can still use eggs in gluten-free baking, and I’m totally on-board with agave nectar.

I made gluten-free cupcakes.  I was a brat for thinking that it would be torture.  Considering how delicious these are… I’m totally done being a brat, probably until the next time something challenges my sensibilities.

There’s a new book in my collection. Gluten-free cupcakes I can get down with.  All of the recipes are made with either coconut or almond flour.  They all have agave nectar, sometimes coconut oil (yum!), and arrowroot.  I was amazed at how sweet coconut flour is. Seriously… amazing.  And boy is that stuff absorbent!  Crazy.  Yes.  You’re watching me learn new things.  Bare with me.

I’m stoked on this book, Gluten-Free Cupcakes.  Elana has made gluten-free baking feel not so daunting… not to mention that these cupcakes are totally delicious.  Her recipes have as little as three ingredients, usually six or so.  Totally do-able.    I want one of you to have a copy of this book.  I also want one of you to have a bag of coconut flour and a bag of arrowroot powder.  I’ll send those along too.  Get started!  There’s nothing that should stop you from gluten-free goodness.

Leave a comment with this post.  Tell me what you’re doing this weekend that might me just slightly outside of your comfort zone.  A winner will be chosen on Sunday night and announced on Monday.  Get on it!

 

UPDATE: Winner!  Kerry Edwards!  You randomly won the Gluten-Free Cupcake Book!  I’m stoked!  I hope you are too!!

It’s strawberry time.

I’m totally ready to perfect my strawberry dice.

Listen… sometimes pictures of batter aren’t as glamorous as you want them to be.  Well… most time they aren’t.

But there is some coconut flour and arrowroot magic going on here.

This recipe called for 4 large eggs and half a cup of coconut flour.  I said… no way.  And yet… way!  These cupcakes turned out tender, moist, cakey, and delicious.  Fan.

I topped these little cakes with agave sweetened Cream Cheese frosting.  I am absolutely amazed at how simply delicious these are.  I think I just got 46 times more popular with my gluten-free friends.  I’m just sayin’.

Is it wrong to J-walk into church? …. because I do it just about every Sunday.

Is it wrong to curse at people on the road while driving to church?  Cause… maybe that’s happened once or twice.

On a scale of one to total jerk… how jerky is it for me to blatantly roll my eyes at the lady on the spin bike next to me who is flirting with the obviously married man on the other side of me?  Do I really need to be in the middle of this interaction? It’s 7 in the morning! Come on.  Please.

Oh!  And while we’re on the subject… if you take your shirt off during spin class and decide to just ride it out in your sports bra…. I’m going to try very very very hard not to label you as an attention-seeking-lady-exerciser.  Do not like.  We’re all hot and sweating lady…. keep you shirt on.  There should be a rule.  There’s gotta be a rule.

Also… exactly how much of this batter can I spoon in my mouth after spin class and before rushing off to J-walk into church?  That’s the real issue.  The answer?  About two cupcakes worth of batter… which may or may not lead to a belly ache.  Don’t do what I do… J-walk, curse, or roll your eyes at attention seeking, inappropriately flirty strangerladies.  Be a nice person instead.

I happen to love making cupcakes exactly 47 times better than I like to actually eat cupcakes (cupcake batter excluded).  Making individual cake treats is cathartic.  They all looks the same with slight differences and imperfections.  I love to line them up and take in their differences…. then cover them in frosting.

These cakes themselves are a brown sugar and buttermilk cake.  The addition of brown sugar mocks the dulce de leche flavors just slightly.  The cakes are more of a pound cake consistency and not so much a fluffy cake mix cupcake.  The frosting is a combination of three fine fats:  butter, cream cheese and dulce de leche.  Only the hideous addition of  sardines could make this frosting something other than delicious.

Wait… do you know what Dulde de leche is?  Dulce de leche is very similar to caramel.  It’s sweetened condensed milk that has been cooked down until the sugars have darkened to a rich caramel.  It’s sweet and thick and perfectly acceptable to bathe in.

Some people make their own dulce de leche by boiling a can of sweetened condensed milk…. literally, in the can.  While many have had success with this technique, I’m convinced that I would both injure an eye and burn my house down… so I just buy my dulce de leche.  I also really like the consistency of this particular caramel product.  It’s thick but still spreadable and works really well in my frosting.  ((I got this particular dulce de leche at Whole Foods… but you can totally find this La Salamandra product on Amazon))

I’m not saying you shouldn’t make your own… you look perfectly capable.  I’ve just never done it… so I’ll leave you to google and experiment with that whole thing on your own.  Go with God.  … and I love you.

Cake with cream cheese and caramel.  Please don’t make me twist your arm… just get on this.

You might also like to know that I made these Dulce de Leche Sandwich Cookies.  If you’re going to get the jar… you might as well go hog wild.

Dulce de Leche Cupcakes

Makes about 2 dozen cupcakes (a few more if you don’t eat a bunch of cupcake batter  like I did)

adapted from The Gourmet Cookbook

Print this Recipe!

For the Cupcakes:

3 cups all-purpose flour

1/4 cup cornstarch

1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened

1 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

3 large eggs

1 1/2 cup buttermilk

For the Frosting:

1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened

8 ounces cream cheese, softened

3/4 cup dulce de leche, plus more for drizzling

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 to 3 cups powdered sugar

Place racks in the center and upper third of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees F.  Line two cupcake pans with paper or foil liners.  Set aside.

In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, cornstarch, baking powder, baking soda and salt.  Set aside.

In the bowl of an electric stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, add butter and sugars.  Beat on medium speed until fluffy and pale brown, about 3 minutes.   Stop the mixer, scrape down the sides of the bowl and add one egg.  Beat on medium for one minute.  Add the remaining eggs, one at a time, beating for one minute between each addition.  Stop the bowl and scrape down the sides as necessary. Beat in vanilla extract.

Add half of the flour mixture to the egg and butter mixture.  Beat on low speed and slowly drizzle in the buttermilk.  Beat until just incorporated.  Stop the mixer, scrape down the bowl and add the rest of the dry ingredients.  Beat on low speed until just incorporated.  Remove the bowl from the stand mixer and finish incorporating with a spatula.  Try not to over mix the mixture.

Divide the batter between the prepared cupcake pans, filling each liner about two thirds full.  Bake for 18 to 20 minutes or until a cake tester inserted in the center of one of the cakes comes out clean.  Let rest in the cupcake pans before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.  Cupcakes should be completely cooled before frosting.

To make the frosting:

Place cream cheese in the bowl of an electric stand mixer.  Beat on medium speed for about 30 seconds, until very soft and pliable.  Stop the mixer, scrape down the sides of the bowl and add the butter and dulce de leche.  Beat on medium speed until well incorporated.  Stop the mixer and add the salt and powdered sugar.  Beat on medium speed for about 3 minutes, until fluffy and lighter in color.  Generously spoon frosting on top of cupcakes, or use a large frosting tip to pipe on frosting.

For garnish, I heated a few spoonfuls of dulce de leche of a low flame until just pourable.  Then I drizzled it over the cupcakes and topped with a few sprinkles.  Add a few sprinkles of fine sea salt if you’re feeling fancy.  I stored the cupcakes in the fridge for an hour to chill the frosting slightly.

I like to enjoy my cupcakes within two days of preparing them.  Feel free to wrap and refrigerate them because of the cream cheese in the frosting.  Let come close to room temperature before serving.

This dessert is not healthy.  It’s not subtle.  It’s not revolutionary.  It hurts.

Chocolate and peanut butter piled on top of peanut butter and chocolate.  There’s sugar too…  and it hurts.

These cupcakes hurt your diet.  They hurt your teeth.  They destroy your morning workout.  They’re bad for puppies.  They upset kittens.  Big-eyed baby cows are pretty pissed about these things.

They’re mean.  They’ll punch you in the shin and say awful things about your hair.

You should probably stay away from these cupcakes.  Sure… they’re the most delicious cupcakes eeeevvvveeeerrrrr… but they’re also dirty rotten scoundrels.  Sorry.

Do I  really need to wax on about chocolate and peanut butter…. chocolate and peanut butter together?

Really?

I didn’t think so.

Make them and eat them.  Just.  Please.

I have downright baffled myself.

I may have mentioned that I’m moving this week.  Moving is… horrifying.  Yes, I’m being dramatic.  Please indulge me.

Among the things that I found under my bed and in the dark recesses of my closet as I’ve been cleaning and packing are:

eight kitten stuffed animals.

one medium sized bunny stuffed animal.

three puppy stuffed animals.

….. WWWHHHHHYYYY?

one baby sock….  A. Baby.  Sock.  I have no baby.  Seriously… What the heck is going on here!?

a tiny rhinestone turtle toe ring.  Really?

one sweater that gives my arms a rash.  I found out the hard way.

one wooden bobble head turtle toy.  Why so many turtles hiding in my house?

and… a rock.  Because… yea.  A rock.

Take these Little Lemon Hazelnut Cakes as a token of my love, affection, and dwindling sanity.

This recipe is like a secret weapon.  It’s super adaptable and always perfectly moist.  At its root, the cake is an easy buttermilk and oil cake that comes together with two bowls and a whisk.  I used hazelnut oil, but almond oil, walnut oil, or olive oil also work beautifully.  Also feel free to add any sort of citrus zest you like.  This recipe makes twelve tender and darling little cakes.  Go on.  Bake em.  I’ll just be over here in the corner losing my ever loving mind.  Don’t mind me.

Hi darling.  Hey sugarbear.  What’s shakin’ sweetums?  Lookin’ good sweetpea.  Hey loverboy!  Oooh darlin’.

I’m practicing my terms of endearment.  Yea… I want to sound natural when the time comes to use them.

Can I practice on you?  How does this sound?

Hey loverbear, will you come on in here and help me with these dishes?

Darlin’, will you hold the oven door open for me?

How about…

Sweetpea, stay away from those cookies.  You know we have company coming.

My favorite…

Sweetums, I made you cupcakes… cause I love you like crazy.

How am I doing so far?  I’m a little stiff aren’t I?  I’ll keep working on it.

Jump on over.  I have a lot to tell you!

I found a lovely new cookbook.  Super lovely.  Can I tell you about it?  It’s my new go-to book for cake and cupcake inspiration.

Organic and Chic by Sarah Magid.  So sweet.  So classic.  So beautiful.  This book features breathtaking and totally doable cakes and cupcakes using all organic ingredients.  I’m not an all organic baker.  I’m afraid not.  Don’t judge me.  Organic and Chic is great inspiration to get my kitchen in gear.

In this book are darling pictures of kids and husbands, and of course… gorgeous cakes.  The cake, frosting and filling recipes in this book are classic, modern, fool proof and so so sooooo yummy.  The decorating tips?  Great too!  This is stuff we can actually do friends!  It’s great.

I don’t often pimp out cookbooks.  I just wanted you to know I found a good one.  Crazy yummy good.

Now… about these cupcakes!

Holy Yum!  This is the easiest and most moist chocolate cake you’ll ever encounter.  It also happens to be vegan.  Yea….!  Amazing!  I combined the moist chocolate cupcakes with a whipped rose buttercream.  This buttercream is far less sweet than a buttercream made out of butter and powdered sugar.  This whipped buttercream is made up of butter, granulated sugar, and a cooked milk and flour mixture.  Yep.  It works.  It’s not too sweet.  It’s delicious.

Make these chocolate rose cupcakes for someone you love.  Who wants roses when there are rose scented cupcakes in the world!?  Heck yes!

Let’s just go ahead and let the Hot Fudge Sundae Cupcakes do the talking…

Yes.  I am thoroughly satisfied with myself.

Soft and light vanilla cupcakes.  Glossy chocolate ganache.  Slightly sweetened whipped cream.  Slivered almonds.  Jimmies.  Cherry on top.

I love life.

Hey there friendlies!  

I have a few spots open for this weekend’s grand bash!  Have nothing to do this Sunday?  Want to hang out with me on a rooftop downtown.. picnic style?  Did I mention there will be cupcakes…?

If you want a last minute invite, email me at: 

joythebakerpicnic (at) gmail (dot) com

Yes?  Yes.  This is happening.

Back to our regularly scheduled recipes and stories soon… promise.

These are pretty, right?  Hot diggity dang, I think they’re precious.  

In the middle of frosting these cupcakes I looked down at my hands.  No big deal.  I was simply looking down at the cupcake in one hand, and frosting covered knife in the other.  I had to see what I was doing, right?  When I looked down at this particular moment, I saw… my grandmother’s hands.  There they were, the worn and wrinkled hands that had absolutely fascinated me as a child… only now spotted with powdered sugar and tinted with food coloring.  

When I was a kid I would hold my grandmother’s hand in my lap and study it like it like I might study my favorite picture book.  Somehow her hands weren’t at all different from reading an intricate a story.  

So there I was, frosting a cupcake with my grandmother’s hands.  The image was so strong that I even put down the cupcake and knife and bent my left index finger with my right hand.  It ached a little.  I don’t know why.  And just like that… those hands were gone from me.  

That was simultaneously perplexing and so comforting.  I had to share that with you…  I now only hope that I live long enough for my hands to be read like a story book.  

Now let’s talk cupcakes!

Pretty.  Pretty.  Pretty.  Pretty.  Pretty.  Pretty.  Pretty.  Pretty.  Pretty.  Pretty… right?

I’m proud of these little gems.  I’m even more proud of the fact that it only took one stick (otherwise known as 8 tablespoons, 1/2 cup or 4 ounces) of butter to make both the cupcake aaaaaaaand the frosting.  That’s bonkers, right?  I know! Just three tablespoons of butter for the dozen cupcakes and 5 tablespoons for the buttercream. Who says you need a pound of butter for cupcakes?  

Vanilla Cupcakes with Vanilla Buttercream

     adapted from The Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook

     makes 12 cupcakes

     Print this Recipe!

1 cup all-purpose flour

a scant 3/4 cup sugar

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

pinch of salt

3 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature

1/2 cup whole milk

1 egg

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  

Put the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and butter into the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, or use a handheld beater and beat on slow speed until the mixture is a sandy consistency and everything is combined.  Gradually pour in half of the milk and beat until the milk is just incorporated.  

Whisk the egg, vanilla and remaining milk together in a separate bowl for a few seconds, then pour into the flour mixture and continue beating until just incorporated.  Scrape any unmixed ingredients from the side or the bottom of the bowl with a rubber spatula.  Continue mixing until the batter is smooth.  Just a few minutes.  Do not overmix.

Spoon the batter into paper lined muffin tins, dividing between the 12 cups.  Bake for 20-25 minutes or until light golden and a skewer inserted in the center comes out clean.  Let the cupcakes cool slightly in the pan, then turn them out onto a wire rack to cool completely before frosting.  

Vanilla Buttercream Frosting

     from The Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook

     makes enough for 12 cupcakes, double this recipe to frost an 8-inch cake

2 cups powdered sugar, sifted

5 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature

2 tablespoons whole milk

1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

Beat the powdered sugar and butter together in an electric mixer fit with a paddle attachment on medium low speed until the mixture comes together and is well mixed.  Turn the mixer speed to low.  Combine the milk and the vanilla extract and slowly stream it into the butter and sugar mixture.  Once incorporated, turn the mixer to high and beat until the frosting is light and fluffy, at least 5 minutes.  The longer the frosting is beaten, the fluffier and lighter it becomes.  If you find that your frosting is getting to warm in the summer months, stop beating and set in the fridge for a few minutes.  Once chilled, hook the frosting back up the the mixer and beat once more until you reach the desired consistency.