There are only three reason why I would rip the shirt off my body in public:
1. If a kitten were on fire and I needed to smother him, put him out, cuddle him, give him food, and make him mine forever.
2. If I discovered a bee… a ferocious, man-eating bee, down my shirt.
3. If a handsome young fireman needed my shirt to wipe his sweaty brow after saving a grandmother and her fluffy orange cat from the top of a burning tree. But even then… I’d make the fireman take his shirt off first. I have standards.
Yesterday, I ripped my shirt off in a spazzy, screaming fit on Main Street in Santa Monica. There was no kitten nor fireman in sight. There was a bee down my shirt. A live bee… buzzing down my shirt. Standing in front of a bike shop and across the street from a busy cafe, I full on FREAKED OUT and tore my shirt off my body. There was also FREAK OUT screaming involved. Then I spent another agonizing ten seconds trying to brush the bee off my body with the shirt I was supposed to be wearing.
Then I was just standing there… on the street… shirtless… in my ugly bra… the one that looks like my grandma’s sprotsbra. I just stood there, holding my shirt and staring squarely at the ground… at the bee struggling to walk away… at the bee that had rendered me shirtless. I knew that if I looked up from the ground I would be mortified times one million.
As I’m struggling with the sleeves, trying to get my shirt back on… I see a pair of feet stroll past me. I didn’t see one of those red tipped seeing eye sticks, so this person was clearly a seeing person. A witness. Ok. Carry on.
My sleeves were all wonky, I couldn’t button my shirt inside out. I was a hot mess… so I had to take my shirt off (again!) invert the spazzy sleeves and put my shirt back on. That’s twice that I’ve taken my top off… Enough!
I never did look up from the ground. I never did blush. I did, however, want to dig a whole through the concrete and tunnel home instead of putting my shirt back on and riding home. But that’s just what I did. And if anyone was pointing and laughing… well, I guess I can’t blame them. I was quite the site.
Lessons were learned. Always wear a cute bra.
In more important news, I made a lovely lemon cake.
Let me tell you about it… it’ll distract me from the humiliation.
This lemon cake is simple and unassuming. It’s combined with cornmeal and baked up in a cast iron skillet. It’s sort of like hearty Southern cornbread meets dainty lemon tea cake. The cake is topped with sweet lemon glaze while it’s still warm, and the sweetness seeps into the cake itself.
What the name of this cake doesn’t tell you is that is has browned butter in it. See? We’re friends for life.
This is not a fancy pants dessert… that’s why I call it a breakfast cake. Breakfast cakes don’t wear their pearls to the table… obvi.
Lemon Cornmeal Breakfast Cake
makes one 9-inch cake
recipe adapted from Bon Appetit, April 2009
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/3 cup yellow cornmeal
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
3 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup buttermilk
2 large eggs
1 tablespoons lemon zest
1/2 cup (1 stick) plus one tablespoons unsalted butter, melted until browned then cooled slightly
Lemon Glaze:
1 1/2 cup powdered sugar
3 to 4 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
Place a rack in the center of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees F.
In a 9 or 10-inch cast iron skillet, melt butter over medium heat until browned and fragrant. Use a potholder to grab onto the cast iron and carefully tilt back and forth so the melted butter greases the sides of the pan. Remove browned butter from the cast iron to cool, and set the buttery cast iron aside. That’s what we’re going to bake the cake in!
If you don’t have a cast iron skillet, simply butter and flour a 9-inch round cake pan. Set aside. Brown the butter in a skillet over the stove top and incorporate into the recipe just the same.
In a large bowl, whisk together flour, cornmeal, sugars, baking powder, baking soda and salt. In a small bowl, carefully whisk together eggs, buttermilk, lemon zest and butter. Add the wet ingredients, all at once, to the dry ingredients and fold together with a spatula. Fold until very few lumps remain. Pour batter into the prepared buttered pan and place in the oven.
While the cake bakes, whisk together powdered sugar and lemon juice for the glaze. Set aside.
Bake for 30 minutes or until a skewer inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. Remove from the oven and let cool for 10 minutes. Use a skewer or the tines of a fork to poke holes in the bake. Sporadic holes here and there will do. Pour over the glaze, spread evenly and let rest for about 30 minutes before serving. This cake will last for up to 4 days, well wrapped, at room temperature.
jennie
your shirt story made me laugh. i totally relate. i once was travelling with my family and we got a flat and stopped to fix at this old tire place with a “cafe” attached. my kids were little and i was holding one and chasing another and trying to keep them from the “cafe” which had video strip poker games. i noted everyone kept staring, but thought because we were strangers. Then I realized the son I was holding had some how manged to pull my shirt open and i was walking around in a lovely nursing bra (think 1980s nursing bra -UGLY) for who knows how long. Chin up, it could have been worse. No bra or bee stung you. thanks for the smile today. going to make the cake also at my next breakfast thing with company.
Katie
What a thing to read right after I put on the ugliest, beige-est, least attractive bra I own. Luckily, there aren’t too many bees in Chicago right now. And very few things would compel me to take of my shirt-chemical spill is the only thing I can think of right now.
Also, cake for breakfast? Yes please.
Michelle
My goodness woman!
Sounds amazing – for breakfast…
marden
Thank you for giving me my laugh for the day……….honestly not sure what I’d do, but removing my shirt I don’t think would enter my mind……I’m older and not as fit I fear………….good for you, all embarrassment aside.
Katy
That happened to me in college! I somehow had a wasp fly up my dress and got stuck there — I got stung four or five times before I got my dress off! Our health center almost made me go to the hospital (even though I’m not allergic!) so there’s a bright side for your story! Or maybe two bright sides — the cake too. :-)
Cheryl
That was hilarious and terribly horrifying at the same time!! How did the bee even get in your shirt, anway? But you have my admiration, you were brave :)
Becca
Awww. That must have been horrible. I would have freaked out too, so don’t worry. I freakout when there’s a bee outside of the car even, so you are not alone and I’m sure the people weren’t laughing at you, just conserned for your mental stability if they couldn’t see the bee. But luckily you probably will never see those people again, right? :)
Lovely cake by the way. I want to buy a cask iron skillet just for it haha.
Jennypenny
I love you! You are hilarious! You made me laugh so hard I cried, sorry!
The breakfast cake looks good.
jenny
I love you, joy! you remind all your fortunate readers that it’s ok to be human. :)
sorry there was no one there to give you their shirt. where’s a hunky fireman when you need one?
Helena
I love the long posts at the moment! Please keep that going, I love your writing :) And I can totally feel with you, I guess it’s like when you dream that you are at school naked… except it’s not a dream, which makes it *slightly* worse :D
Sarah D
Good job not blushing or looking up. I surely would have done both, thus making the shirtless shame much, much worse.
Please know that I love lemon, cornmeal, breakfast, and cake…. so to combined all four… ooo wee, can’t wait!
Megan
Can you believe I was just proclaiming my love for cornbread 5 minutes ago? Therefore I know I’d love this cake more than I’d love a bee minding it’s own business.
But that bee story is a funny one, and I feel like I can relate to you with the humiliation. I am one who’s good at falling out doors and stuff. Way to not blush though! High five for being awesome!
Bekah Hope
Your story reminds me of the scene in “Ever After” where the evil step-sister finds out that “Cinderella” has been wooing the prince and she gets up and FREAKS OUT in a fit of jealously. When she returns the Queen asks her, “Oh my. Are you quite alright?” and she responds, ever so demurely, “There was a bee.”
Your story justifies her actions.
Parsley Sage
I just snorted hot coffee out my nose. Well done.
Can’t wait to try the cake. It will make up for the burnt nostrils.
psdeepdish.blogspot.com
Sidra
I would have been a tomato face for sure! Thank you for continuously cracking me up every morning, I LOVE your blog. Keep doin what you’re doin!