It’s almost Halloween. I feel like we need to have a heart-to-heart before this holiday really takes hold.
We need to talk. We really do.
1. If you find yourself browsing Etsy in search of a tie to turn your cat into a businesscat for Halloween, you’re doing things right.
2. If you find yourself entranced by the candy aisle at Target, you’re really on to something. Although… if you’re contemplating Halloween peeps I would urge you to reconsider.
3. If you think a gorilla costume seems like a good idea… for Halloween and just to have around the house: spot on. Well played.
4. If you’re considering entering a haunted house, INSIST on positioning yourself in the middle of your crowd of friends. If you’re first or last in the group you’re probably going to die. Haunted houses are scary and you’ll probably die. I’d die. Seriously. I don’t belong in a haunted house. I’d get my murder scream on. No one likes that.
5. Haunted Hay Ride? Suspicious at best.
6. Listen… if you’re buying the shoes for your Halloween outfit at a shoe store that also sells skimpy spandex outfits and furry handcuffs, I’m really really going to need you to stop that right now.
7. This brings me to a very important point: the slutty bee/nurse/policewoman/fairy/cat/warrior/French maid/girl scout/bomb inspector/hipster/moose/panda bear/zombie/Strawberry Shortcake… is SO PLAYED (major lame). Ladies. We’re better than this. We don’t need to take everyday things and make them slutty. Why!? Why are we doing this!? Did you know that we have the ability and freedom to dress like hussies everyday of the year if we choose? Seriously. It’s Wednesday, go for it. Be bold!! Why take the respected and regal bumble bee and turn that into a hot mess? WHY!?
I distinctly remember when the whole slutty Halloween costume entered my life. I was 16. I was an old lady (with shawl, wig, crazy lipstick, and glasses). My best friend Andrea was a French maid. Yep. Lines were drawn. I knew who I was….
8. Don’t be slutty. Slutty on Halloween is DUMB and predictable and DUMB! Dressing majorly skimpy on a random Tuesday is edgy. Remember that.
9. You might consider: Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth, Kate Middleton, Mila Kunis in Book of Eli, a random Jennifer Garner/Alias get up. Other suggestions: dress up as your best friend. Be the secretary to your businesscat. Be a California Raisin. Be a bonkers bride. Be Frida Kahlo. Be Michelle Obama… and don’t be slutty Michelle Obama.. that’s just straight disrespectful.
Are we cool? Sweet.
Happy Halloween!
Cookie and Kate
Oh Joy, this post cracked me up. Growing up, my mom fully supported my ridiculous costume visions, whether I wanted to be a cloud or a bag of candy (yes a brown bag) or a Minnie Mouse in a poodle skirt. Speaking of which, I’m going to be Minnie Mouse again this year, in a homemade short skirt and tall heels (hear me out!), with opaque tights and a long sleeved shirt with a high neckline. In other words, I’ll be completely covered. Thoughts?
joythebaker
awesome. work it!
sherri lynn @ life of a wife
haha love this! Slutty on Halloween is major lame.
Erin @ A Nesting Experience
A slutty Michelle Obama? Seriously? Do they sell that costume? That is down right horribly hilarious. I really hope that is not what has become of our young ladies.
Eliz. K
Bravo! Love this. Thank you, Joy!
~she~
Well said! I am totally sick of slutty costumes just as you are. Have you ever seen that movie Mean Girls where all the high school girls dress up like slutty animals? The new girl comes as a vampire bride instead. That’s you, I guess, without the old lady costume.
Lindsay Jo
I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in a long time. Thank you – I will be sharing this!
Kat @ The Indie Domestic
And here I was gearing up to be a slutty Sean Hannity…Thanks, Joy, for saving me from almost certain failure!
(For the record, I am going to be a cat wearing Kitten Mittens (Hulu it – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). But not a slutty cat wearing Kitten Mittens.)
joythebaker
hahahahahhaaa! kitten mittens!
Jennifer @ Licious Food
Ok, this is crazy … I was contemplating a Alias/Jen Garner costume for Halloween and it could possibly be due to the fact I have been watching Alias. However, Get out of my head, Joy. :)
LB
Awesome post!
Kaellen
I could not agree more! Ladies need to move away from the slutty slutty!
I love your site! :->
Rachael B
I hadn’t even considered a slutty Michelle Obama. That’s terrible… almost as terrible as Kate from Kate + 8’s wig that seemed to run rampant last Halloween in my neighborhood. I plan to stick to the traditional witch, wart on the nose and all (sans the green make-up). Any plans to dress up Joy?
Biscuit
“be the secretary to your business cat” …and i’m dead
Zeynep
One of my friends had a Halloween party last year and will be doing it again. The theme is that everyone has to come in costumes that are: normal versions of traditionally sexy costumes (French maid, cop, schoolgirl, etc.), OR sexy versions of non-sexy things (traffic cone, Abraham Lincoln, cleaning instruments). I find this to be completely ingenious.
joythebaker
sexy traffic cone!? oh my god hilarious!
Suz
“Be the secretary to your businesscat.”
Hahahahaha! I love you. (I think I already am her secretary though.)
Sally
HEE.LA. RIOUS. Number 4 reminds me of a time I went to a Haunted House when I was in 6th grade at my old elementary school and got my butt grabbed by some kid playing a character in the house. That’s what I call game.