I have real-life dinner party compulsions: I always say something awkward within seven minutes of arriving, I always offer to help with the dishes, and I never come empty-handed. I believe that every offering brought to a dinner party has a certain unspoken subtext.
For example if I bring a bottle of wine to a dinner party, the subtext of the wine is this: ooooh my goodness! I’m a little late and that’s the worst thing ever. I picked up this bottle of wine on the way to your party. I’m 78% sure it’s delicious. I had to sweet talk the sales man into adding the bow, and please please open it now so we can have a glass. Also, Hi! It smells really good in here.
What follows are some awesome recipes you might consider taking as an offering to holiday parties this year. There will be a certain subtext though, and it’s usually hilarious and revealing.
Subtext: I needed an excuse to make candied pecans. I ate two handfuls. So what. Don’t look at me with your judging eyes.
Subtext: I almost set the house on fire toasting these marshmallows under the broiler. I was trying to brush my teeth at the same time. I’ll never actually tell you that because I want to seem effortless and chic. Whatever.
Subtext: So I definitely wanted to make a homemade dish for your holiday party… but I also really wanted to have time to curl my hair. These ready-made all-butter, minimally sliced and diced tarts say: Yes, I made these and Yes, my hair looks rad. Owning it.
Subtext: I smashed together butter and cream cheese and sugar. I clearly care about your mouth more than I care about your diet.
Subtext: I like you so much I shelled pistachios for you aaaannndd I bought fancy sea salt. I really hope you got me a great Christmas present. Just kidding (mostly).
Subtext: I’m not going to tell you how easy it was to make this until I’ve heard at least four compliments and had at least two glasses of wine. Until then, I’m going to let you think I got a major arm workout stirring risotto when, in fact, I did not.
Subtext: I made cookies last night, then I started watching The Town (obsessed) and ate nearly half of the batch of cookies I made for your party. I twisted these little gems together about 45 minutes ago and… here we are. They’re delicious. You’re not going to be disappointed.
Subtext: I put beans in your chocolate and you’re going to like it! That’s a promise not a threat.
Subtext: I know that look on your face means your disappointed in my dip offering, but that look is going to for-real change once you taste this spicy sweet goodness. Prepare yourself.
Subtext: You put me in charge of the salad course because your other best friend wanted to make the dessert. The whole two best friends thing is confusing to me but… no big deal. I’ll bring a salad. It will be a game changer.
Subtext: Yes, a brown grocery bag is a perfectly presentable serving situation if there is fancy cheese and tiny pickles involved. Put some flowers in a mason jar and let’s complete this dream!
Subtext: You’re having gluten-free guests. I’m bringing the only dessert and I am determined to make you think I’m amazing. I rolled a cake. That’s totally super-hero status, right?
Subtext: Yes, I just brought the winning cookie to the Christmas Cookie Swap. Oh wait… a swap is different from a contest? Well, still… I really do feel like I’m winning.
Get up with the get down. Happy December!