Editor’s Note:
Hello, friends!
How’s your summer winding down? Mine came to an abrupt halt when I returned to work at my children’s school and jumped into a brand new position. Last year, I was a Teacher’s Associate in the 1st Grade, where I read Little House on the Prairie and reminded kiddies to keep their fingers out of their ‘lil noses. This year, however, there’s a para shortage in Nashville—and maybe all over?—so I’m working with a group of kids who need a lot more help. It’s a humbling experience, to say the least, and I’m very much learning as I go. In the meantime, I’ve included a few things I’ve been loving during the long, sweaty month of August. Links are below and have a relaxing Sunday!
Xo,
Toby
• Emily Sunberg has a new angle on Substack and how it’s turning “everyone into writers the same way Instagram made everyone into photographers…” Which reminds me of my favorite note from Samuel Johnson: “Nobody but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money.” (Feed Me)
• Is lore summer’s hottest accessory? 100% yes. (The Face)
• What am I even doing on ESPN?? I landed via Gloria, of course. This interview with a skydiver who survived a 14,000-foot fall is mind bending. (ESPN)
• I’m from the south, so thank you notes are my religion. Recently, I put a book in my neighbor’s mailbox. In turn, she mailed me a thank you postcard then I texted to thank her for the lovely postcard. This is common sense. R. Eric Thomas agrees. (Asking Eric)
• A nice addition to your letter routine, I found these for my mom’s birthday. As a lifelong Jeopardy! fan she’s going to be over the moon. (USPS)
• The Dancers of Stud Country is a short doc from The Los Angeles Times that dives into the flow state of line dancing. Taking line dancing classes was on my list of things to do this summer, and I still haven’t gotten around to it but now I’m even more inspired. (YouTube)
• As Winona Ryder says in this pretty profile, ““Everyone uses [the word icon] now, and they don’t know what a real icon is.” All my idols are Gen X, and Winona Ryder will be my forever icon. (Harper’s Bazaar)
• OG Mom-blogger-turned-Substack-sensation Jessica Reed Kraus dove into the trad wife controversy, which I was completely oblivious to because, I dunno, I didn’t think these types of influencers were still drumming up drama. It’s an interesting take. (Substack)
• Did you see Twisters? I thought it was kinda mediocre as far as summer Blockbusters go but I did love the soundtrack. And Glen Powell, naturally. I loved him, too. So did Ann Helen Peterson, who shared her unified theory on Glen Powell. (YouTube + AHP)
• Do you have any products that help you wake up in the morning? My kids are up at 6am so I wake up at 5am to read/write/exercise or, admittedly, just sip my coffee and scroll. Maybe it’s because of this early call time that I have permanent raccoon eyes, but these puppies help. (Amazon)
• I’ll definitely be slipping Joy’s Chewy Chocolate Brownie Cookies into lunch boxes this year. Also, it’s time to revisit Joy’s family-friendly recipes. I still make that chicken salad once a month because it’s one of the few dishes all three kids willingly gobble down. (Joy the Baker)
• How fun is it to step inside the mind of Missy Elliott? If you happened to catch this tour please do not tell me because I’m insanely jealous. (NYTimes Gift Link)
• Everyone’s favorite face mentor, Val Monroe, has some Golden Rule-type thoughts on the question Is Self-Kindness Making a Comeback? (How Not to F*ck Up Your Face)
• “The shot is symmetrical, succinct, and exceptionally Mannian. The immutable diner and its pervasive simplicity come to encapsulate the auteur’s vision and true concerns.” Elissa Suh’s take on Michael Mann’s diners is simply delicious. (Mubi)
• On a totally different note, here’s an indepth look at the Australian architecture of Bluey I didn’t know I needed. Maybe I’ve gone full Mom, but I do echo the author’s sentiments: Even if you don’t have kids, this show is a must-watch. (Schmatta)
• The most magical thing I ate all summer was a lemon-mint bar from the Minions popsicle stand at Universal Studios. I am still searching for that perfect hit but was inspired to buy this, which did not disappoint. (Jeni’s)
• At ease/in light frocks they walk the streets/to while the time away. (Poets.org)
• Vote. Vote, vote, vote, vote, vote. (USA.gov)
Hannah
Thank you Toby for sharing this article from Jessica. I lean left but absolutely agree feminism can come in so many forms. It is ultimately about making our own choice and living our lives in a way that feels true to the individual. I have never heard of Jessica or Ballerina farm before today, but I think it’s important to read things that you don’t fully agree with or that ruffle feathers a bit. Being an “inclusive space”doesn’t mean avoiding topics or people you disagree with. That’s called an echo chamber and it benefits no one! There is no one, right form of feminism. “Ultimately, the real goal of feminism should recognize and respect the diverse paths women take. ”
Kristin
While I personally love sending a good thank-you card (or any other delightful mail!), I don’t give for the purpose of receiving thanks. If both the gifting and the thanking are only being done out of a sense of obligation rather than for the joy it brings, I agree, why bother
Darci
As a former teacher, I thank you for your service as a Para. You saved my life so very many times.
Joy Netanya Thompson
Such a good list!! And now I am remembering that you mailed ME a book and I never sent a thank you note…or text…I am an ill-bred Angeleno and I am ashamed. lol. THANK YOU. And thank you for enough links to distract me from work for 1-2 days! ;)
Tiberia
Thank you so much for stepping up into the Para role. There is definitely a shortage of Paras, and basically every other role in our education system that….I don’t have the words for right now,
I also don’t have words for the trad wife controversy, only because I don’t really know enough about it. But after reading the comments here I now feel the need to investigate – so thanks all for that.
And finally, Dear Toby and “Dear Eric” ( after years of reading female advice columnists I wasn’t sure about Eric – but never fear! He’s great!) THANK YOU re: acknowledging gifts. In my family it seems to be a “side of the family” thing….on my husband’s side the many nieces and nephews have always sent thank yous. On my side there is only one niece and one nephew (offspring of different brothers) who can barely mumble an unenthusiastic “thanks” when I hand them a card that they know has a check in it. Forget about any acknowledgement if I mail them anything. So I stopped sending checks/presents to them. Apparently I don’t exist to them now. Oh well!
Tiberia
Ugh! I meant “Dear Abby”, not Toby! Sorry Abby :(
Abby Mallett
It is from Toby this week, not me. My bad!
Rebeca
I don’t follow any of those trad wife influencers but still end up coming across videos every now and then. I’ll support every woman’s choice to decide which path she wants to follow, even if it’s not one it’d want for myself, but I do have an issue with the language I’ve seen some of them use and the message it might send to young girls who watch it.
Kristen
My mom worked as a para for over 15 years in special needs aiding children’s ages 4-11, and I learned so much about love, compassion, service from watched her in this role. So many children she worked with had tough home situations, and I think it’s beautiful that she was able to make children’s feel safe & loved. God bless you for doing this critical, under-appreciated work.
Toby
All my respect goes out to your dear mother ??
Julia
Sorry – isn’t Jessica Reed Kraus, like openly transphobic and misogynistic? She might be making some good points on that specific issue, but I am surprised to see that this amazing, joyful space would be giving her hateful platform any love at all.
Toby
Woah not to my knowledge
Julia
If you spend any time on her IG stories you will walk away feeling sad and disturbed – she promotes a lot of hateful agendas (she’s always vocally on the side of known rapists and racists, just as one example). I really, really love all of you guys on this space! I would encourage you to not follow her or promote her. Truly – she couldn’t be more up front about it in her IG stories.
Mel
Thank you for this. I was truly shocked to see a link to her work in what is normally what I think of as an inclusive space. There are plenty of less caustic, hateful people who have different views on the Ballerina Farm piece than her.
Joy the Baker team: please do more research before giving someone so hateful and anti-feminist a larger platform.
Joy the Baker
This remains an inclusive space, Mel! I didn’t find her piece to be particularly anti-feminist, but it certainly is a think-piece which is why we included it. Jessica’s views do no reflect all of our own which makes this space we’ve created together more dynamic.
Susan
Thank you for your comment. Honestly shocked to see a link to this woman’s work.
Taylor
Thank you. I went to her Instagram to check after getting bad vibes from the stack, which was disturbing.
Jaclyn Levy
Loved what Kraus had to say about Ballerina Farm. She nailed it on the head. I’m as left leaning as they come and felt a tinge of shame around how she was treated. I’m wary of the trad wife movement, but I’d never want to take women’s choices away. If we cannot include “traditional” womanhood into our feminism then we have failed.
Toby
Ya I was always confused by women throwing shade my way when I was a stay-at-home mom. Like, I thought we were all on the same team?
Ellen
I think the debate about the role of feminism in that story overlooks the much much more interesting element that many others have gone into- money. At heart, ballerina farm is selling what most influencers are selling-the luxury of time and leisure. Her life is appealing because she has the enormous wealth at her disposal to live however she wants. Performative domesticity is back to being a status symbol of unimaginable wealth that is totally unattainable to others. That’s a real feminist and policy issue-why is choosing the lifestyle you want only available to a tiny minority of women (and men!) while most have to do what the linked author did to be a stay at home parent-sacrifice and live in economic danger for years and years? On the flip, why do working parents still have to kill the selves to stay afloat while spending a pittance of time with their kids? The culture stuff is interesting, but doesn’t dissect that big piece enough.
Joy the Baker
Yep – the HUGE piece on money and privilege and using the luxury of time to perform laborious domesticity. It’s an interesting duality that most of us do not get to choose for ourselves.
Sarah
I think what bugs me about Ballerina Farm is that the mother is literally a billionaire and a beauty-pagent winner (i.e. she could not be less relatable to most women if she tried) and their message of “look how good we are at being a wholesome family” is backed by megabucks and megapriviledge. It rubs me the wrong way. If that part of their lives was a more prominent part of the their online identity I, too, would think “good for them.” But it’s not. And it feels hurtful to those of us who would like to live more closely to the land and to our families, but are wholly unable to in this day and age.
**Glad to see the disclaimer about the article’s author :)
Joy the Baker
It really is the MEGAMONEY behind the tradwife lifestyle that turns me away from that kind of content. Not for me, but by the numbers they pull, I’m clearly in the minority.
Kristin
agree, the unspoken money element is what’s weirdest about the trad trend to me – aside from the ballerina’s family wealth, any big influencer is MAKING MONEY from their social media content creation, and doing so while pretending to be super “traditional” and even bad-mouthing modern working women — like, girl, you’re working right now on the internet!
Marie Wise-Miu
God Bless You, Toby, for stepping up when the teachers needed you! There is a Para shortage all over. In all my years teaching in behavior disorder special education classrooms, Paras were my saving grace. Teachers have to work SO much harder to keep control when there can’t be another adult in the room. Another valuable pair of eyeballs to see things when I couldn’t. Heck, someone to hold down the fort when I needed a tinkle break! LOL! Bless you and bless your teacher! You are both blessing the students every day by being there.
Toby
Thank you, Marie, these kids are so sweet and deserve the best