Beyond the Kitchen

These Things I’ve Learned in Thirty Years


I have lived a full thirty years.  Thirty years full of fumbles and mistakes.  Thirty years of accidents and apologies.  Thirty years of learning.

These are the trivial bits of thirty years of learning.  Some of these lessons it took me three minutes to learn, others… about 29 years and 347 days.

If the word ‘you’ ever appears in this list of learning, please rest assured that I am referring to myself.  I’m still learning… you, surely, are good as gold.

These Thirty-ish Things:

Go to college.  Just go.  It’s where you’ll learn how to be, how not to be, and how to set booby traps in the shower so your roommate stops using your expensive shampoo.

Learn how to apologize sincerely.

Eye contact is major.  Get into it.

Talking crap about people sometimes feels good (just admit it), but tastes bad.  It’s the opposite of eating McDonald’s.

If it hurts, don’t wear it.  At some point the pain will show.

Learn how to wear lipstick and werk.

The day you look dumb in the grocery store at 7:19 in the morning is also the day you run into that duuude you don’t want to run into, and his stupid-hot-at-7:19-in-the-morning girlfriend.  Don’t worry.  You’re buying kale and olive oil.  At least you can cook.

Overdress, always.  Unless it’s heels in a park… that doesn’t work.

(thank you for the picture above, michael.)


In every situation, consider the likelihood of skinny-dipping.  Act accordingly.

Check out your hair from behind… yea… you’ve got a whole situation going on back there.

Exfoliate:  your kitchen, your shower, your carpets, and your body.

Find out what color  dress/shirt/lipstick makes your eyes pop.  Buy a lot of it.


Never ever ever ever EVER ever ever take your shoes off in the club.

If you feel a deep need to take your shoes off in the club, walk your butt outside, get in a cab, and go home.  Game over.

No one keeps secrets.  Remember this when you’re telling people all your business.

Life is not fair.  That fact is profoundly frustrating.  My Mom taught me this… dang was she right.

Don’t wait for some dumb boy to give you closure.  You give yourself closure.  That’s real.  Tie that mess right on up.  Buy ice cream if necessary.


Sometimes it’s not fate, or a sign… but just a coincidence.

You are not inherently patient.  It’s an exercise.

Learn how to do something exceptionally well.  Never apologize for that.  Step up.

Watch Inception as many times times as you need to.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt floats and Juno flips walls… It’s just a whole thing.


Learn how to make cookies.

Frozen peas, unfrozen, can be a meal.

Kittens grow up to be cats.  That’s when things get a little scary.

Don’t be that girl, in any and all situations.  Unless that girl is the awesome girl passing the boards… then you should totally be that girl.  I’m talking to you Andrea.

If a girls says she “just doesn’t really get along with other girls” that means that she’s probably not that nice to other girls… I’m just sayin’.

Ladies should be kinder to one another.  Teamwork, ladies!


Never be early for a party… unless you plan on helping.  By helping I mean, pouring tequila shots.

Being fourteen sucks and there’s absolutely no way around it.

Being thirty one does not suck unless you think it sucks for some reason.

Sometimes you go to restaurants and you just don’t get what you want.  It’s cool, just get ice cream on the way home.


Just admit that you’re watching My Big American Gypsy Wedding because you’re completely obsessed and you really need to talk about it with someone.

God is good even when you doubt that God is good.

Happy Birthday to me.  Happy Living to you.  I love you dearly, I really do.