I-Can’t-Even-Deal-Right-Now Dessert

i can't even deal right now

Alternate titles of this post include:

If You Cancel My Flight One More Time, I Swear To God I’ll Eat a King-Size Snickers Bar and You’ll Be Sorry (but will you?)

Only A Milkshake Can Fix This

Get That Salad Out Of My Face, Please

I Need A Hug.. no wait… I Need French Fries

Seriously.  Stop Hugging Me and Please Bring Me Fries (and a King-Size Snickers Bar)

I’m Eating My Feelings, and My Feelings Are… Granola…?

This Is What It Looks Like to Not Eat The King-Size Snickers Bar (and remain sane)

and…

I’m Being Dramatic

i can't even deal right now

I’m happy to do my part, airline people.  I’ll smash too many clothes into too small a carry-on suitcase.  I’ll package together tiny shampoos and a tiny toothbrush into a clear plastic bag so that God and everyone can snoop at my hygiene regime.  I’ll let you dust my hands for whatever explosive thing it is you think I touched.  I’ll let you charge me $4.00 for water, as long as you let me stand at your kiosk and read Vogue cover-to-cover for free.  I’ll stand in your lines of angry people.  I’ll shove my suitcase in the space that is not enough space for my suitcase.  I’ll let you show me that seatbelt demonstration, and that vest thing, and mask ordeal.  I’ll even pretend to ignore the dude that’s sitting in the window seat… I’ll pretend to ignore him as hard as he’s pretending to ignore me.

I’ll totally do my part.

Your part is to make the plane go into the air, at a high speed, in the direction it needs to go.  If you don’t do that.  If you make me sit on the plane and pretend to ignore the dude in the window seat, only to tell me two hours later that I need to get off the plane because the flight is cancelled….. that’s you not doing your part.

If you’re not going to do your part, the very least you can do is a) apologize, b) admit that you totally suck, and c) buy me a milkshake and french fries so that I can angry-eat my feelings.

Right?

i can't even deal right now

The thing is… if you know you’re about to angry-eat your feelings, you should totally NOT angry-eat your feelings.

In this particular case, I wanted nothing more than a milkshake and french fries, and a cheeseburger, and pizza, and brownies slathered in peanut butter.  Instead I made better choices:  tart non-fat frozen yogurt, granola with toasted coconut and goji berries, and a yummy dose of maple syrup.  Good food feels… good.  None of it will make your flight fly.  That’s real.  But (this is what I told myself),  you might as well eat something that will satisfy your angry-eating but not lead to angry-eating guilt.

Other things you might consider:  I-Can’t-Even-Deal-Right-Now Lunch or Chocolate.  Whatever.

I-Can’t-Even-Deal-Right-Now Dessert

You’ll Need:

tart non-fat frozen yogurt

a handful of granola (two hands full, really)

3 tablespoons maple syrup.

Scoop yogurt.   Sprinkle granola.  Drizzle maple syrup.  Go!

85 thoughts on “I-Can’t-Even-Deal-Right-Now Dessert

  1. i completely feel your pain about airline travel! i’m american but live in sydney, so to get home to visit the fam in miami, it takes 21+ hours of airports, which in and of itself requires a MASSIVE psych up.

    i’m vegan so always travel with food, and on these flights it’s like a day’s worth. i vividly remember one time trying to go through security and having my hummus taken because it’s apparently a “gel.” i seriously almost cried, and then anger ate an entire bag of newsstand wasabi peas. worst idea ever.

  2. Oh man, I know. My summer vacation started with eight whole hours sitting on the tarmac in an airplane which was supposed to be flying me home to visit my family. Which went no where. No where! In eight whole hours! And the kicker? When they finally decided to cancel the flight the freaking door got stuck and we literally couldn’t get off of the dang plane! I wish I had low fat frozen yoghurt and granola then – instead I angry ate an entire bag of smoked almonds.

  3. Did you know, the Germans have a word “Kummerspeck” that translates directly to “grief bacon” and is used to refer to the weight you gain after eating your feelings. Thinking about grief bacon is my chosen method for downplaying desires to feed my emotions.

  4. I had a business flight once… a mommy comes back to a seat near me — fussy baby in tow. Before i could roll my eyes, she openly apologizes to everyone in earshot and opens up a box of ear plugs, free to all.

    Baby was quiet the entire time.

  5. you survive so well; you really do rock at it. last night I had a very-similar-but-less-successful reaction with [full-fat] vanilla ice cream with [full-fat] hot fudge and malt powder. you win. thanks for letting us know we’re not the only anger-eaters out there.

Leave a Reply