Alternate titles of this post include:
If You Cancel My Flight One More Time, I Swear To God I’ll Eat a King-Size Snickers Bar and You’ll Be Sorry (but will you?)
Only A Milkshake Can Fix This
Get That Salad Out Of My Face, Please
I Need A Hug.. no wait… I Need French Fries
Seriously. Stop Hugging Me and Please Bring Me Fries (and a King-Size Snickers Bar)
I’m Eating My Feelings, and My Feelings Are… Granola…?
This Is What It Looks Like to Not Eat The King-Size Snickers Bar (and remain sane)
I’m Being Dramatic
I’m happy to do my part, airline people. I’ll smash too many clothes into too small a carry-on suitcase. I’ll package together tiny shampoos and a tiny toothbrush into a clear plastic bag so that God and everyone can snoop at my hygiene regime. I’ll let you dust my hands for whatever explosive thing it is you think I touched. I’ll let you charge me $4.00 for water, as long as you let me stand at your kiosk and read Vogue cover-to-cover for free. I’ll stand in your lines of angry people. I’ll shove my suitcase in the space that is not enough space for my suitcase. I’ll let you show me that seatbelt demonstration, and that vest thing, and mask ordeal. I’ll even pretend to ignore the dude that’s sitting in the window seat… I’ll pretend to ignore him as hard as he’s pretending to ignore me.
I’ll totally do my part.
Your part is to make the plane go into the air, at a high speed, in the direction it needs to go. If you don’t do that. If you make me sit on the plane and pretend to ignore the dude in the window seat, only to tell me two hours later that I need to get off the plane because the flight is cancelled….. that’s you not doing your part.
If you’re not going to do your part, the very least you can do is a) apologize, b) admit that you totally suck, and c) buy me a milkshake and french fries so that I can angry-eat my feelings.
The thing is… if you know you’re about to angry-eat your feelings, you should totally NOT angry-eat your feelings.
In this particular case, I wanted nothing more than a milkshake and french fries, and a cheeseburger, and pizza, and brownies slathered in peanut butter. Instead I made better choices: tart non-fat frozen yogurt, granola with toasted coconut and goji berries, and a yummy dose of maple syrup. Good food feels… good. None of it will make your flight fly. That’s real. But (this is what I told myself), you might as well eat something that will satisfy your angry-eating but not lead to angry-eating guilt.
tart non-fat frozen yogurt
a handful of granola (two hands full, really)
3 tablespoons maple syrup.
Scoop yogurt. Sprinkle granola. Drizzle maple syrup. Go!