How To Be The Best Food Blogger Of All

Listen guys… I’ve been in this blogging game for a long long time.  Six years?  I basically know everything there is to know.  Nothing is new… except everything is new once in a while.  Blogging is easy!  I’ll show you how to do it.

10 Quick, Easy, Gluten-Free, Paleo, Salted Caramel Tips To Be The Best Food Blogger On The World Wide Web.

You’ll just need a few of the items listed below and a big happy smile that never leaves your face ever ever.  Let’s go!

1. A piece of marble pastry slab is the key to success.  It’s the best way to fake a fancy marble countertop when you’re really just working on tragic tan tile counters.  These Ikea dish towels with the classy red stripe say hipster chic all the way .  You’re also going to need something gold, a glass spoon of some sort, and something with a feather on it… just go with it.  In general, buy every kitchen linen you come in contact with.  You’re going to need it.

2.  All wooden items on your food blog must be worn and dilapidated, preferably from an old barn.  Spoons must be tarnished and rusted.  It’s true that you might not want to eat rust or splinters, but at least it looks really cool.  The plan always is to look really cool.  Never forget.

3.  Consider getting engaged, having a baby, or getting a kitten.  This will do wonders for your food blog!

See:  Tuna Catnip Kitty Treats.  Adding a major life event or small furry animal to your blog will allow you to discuss every single detail with your readers.  They’ll love it.  Seriously.  Don’t skip a single detail.

4.  If one cookie looks good in a photograph, a stack will look uh-mazing.

See: Buttered Popcorn Chocolate Chip Cookies.  Just stack absolutely everything.  You can’t go wrong.  See: Spinach Artichoke Grilled Cheese Sandwiches.

5.  Pinterest.  Don’t fight it.  Create Pin-able pictures that are the length of a football field.  People will pay attention. By ‘pay attention’ I mean that no one will ever get annoyed and most people will want to high-five your cleverness. Re-pin!

6.  Do not, under any circumstance, post a picture of your kitchen that doesn’t look Pinterest perfect.  There should be wood, white shelves, a marble counter, and not a single dirty dish in sight.  Hide all shame, especially the giant jar of Metamucil.  No one has ever pinned Metamucil.

7.  Shoot it on the floor or stand on a stool.  Tripod?  Ppfffttttt. Not in this house!  Sidenote:  always consider throwing in wildly patterned (MC) Hammer pants.   Second side note:  get a farm table or you can’t play in this game at all.

8.  Use a mason jar and a paper straw every chance you get.  Better yet… incorporate someone’s hands holding a mason jar.  Even better yes… a child’s hands holding a small mason jar.  Better than that even… kitten paws holding a mason jar.  Perfection achieved.

9.  Talk about browned butter as often as possible.

See: Pumpkin Pecan Scones with Brown Butter Glaze  Also see:  Brown Butter Baked Doughnuts  Also see: Brown Butter Banana Bread.

Yes.  It’s really important.

10.  Above all else, take yourself very seriously.  Also try to please exactly every person on the Internet. This will ensure that everyone will like you and no one will make fun of you or have a single bad thing to say about you.  This is your task.  Don’t worry, your blog will basically write itself once you get started.

This post is sponsored by: SARCASM and April Fools’ Day.  All opinions expressed are my own and please don’t listen to them as they are 100% ridiculous.