Joy the Baker

The 7 Rules of Compliment Club

by 78 Comments

Compliment Club

COM•PLI•MENT // noun // a polite expression of praise or admiration.  

COMPLIMENT CLUB, it would follow, is a group of people whom actively, enthusiastically, sincerely, and frequently offer words of praise to the people around them.  My maj Tracy and I came up with Compliment Club as a way of encouraging each other to send good vibes into the world.  It’s not an exclusive club… you should totally hop on in! 

Let’s talk about compliments.  You’ve likely gotten them when you’re wearing a flattering dress, when your hair is flipping the right way at the right time on the right day, when you’ve made an impression on someone… BOOM!  Sometimes they drop a compliment in your lap.  It feels great!  It feels like you’ve been seen and appreciated for your hard work to be a good human.  Right?  

Well… giving is more important that getting.  I think it was Socrates that said that.  Definitely Socrates.  

There are some guidelines for offering compliments.  We can’t just go throwing them around willy-nilly.  Here are the rules of Compliment Club.  Join.  Follow them.  Let’s be better together.  (I sincerely mean that… don’t look at me like I’m crazy.)  

•  First rule of Compliment Club (yes… we can talk about Compliment Club): Look for the positive in other people.  This is imperative.  You can’t offer a sincere compliment if you aren’t looking for the beauty in the people around you.  Naturally, sometimes seeing the light in people is easier than others. In gridlock traffic?  Hard…. very hard to see the good in people.  Behind the lady writing a check in the express lane at the grocery store?  Challenging…. extremely challenging to see the beauty in that situation.  

It’s ok.  Not every moment is the right time for a sincere compliment.  But!  If you’re regularly looking for the good in people, those moments of frustration will likely (hopefully) have less of a tinge.  

•  The second rule of Compliment Club:  Be genuine.  Mean what you say.

Stay away from hyperbole.  Hyperbole is saying things like “oh my gosh you’re the best person in the world.”  An exaggeration.  I mean… they’re probably great, but literally the best person in the world?  Is that accurate?  

I’m guilty of hyperbole.  I think it’s the way of the Internet these days… exaggerating to make things sound like the best, the biggest, the coolest thing EVER.  Hyperbole has no place in a genuine compliment.  It actually makes the compliment rather empty.  

Root yourself in the compliment.  Stand tall in it.  I think we use hyperbole to separate ourselves from the genuine words we really want to say.

•  The third rule of Compliment Club:  Be Specific.  Specifics go a long way.  

People want to be seen and noticed for their efforts in the world.  See them.  Comment on them specifically.  

•  The fourth rule of Compliment Club:  Be heartfelt is how things make you FEEL.  Throw some emotional language into your genuine compliment.  Make yourself vulnerable.  

Here’s one, ” When you stood in line for an hour and bought me every single treat available at Tartine, you made me feel really special. I see so much kindness in you and I really appreciate you.”  

(That was a good day.)  

•  The fifth rule of Compliment Club:  Chill on the back-handed compliments.  Don’t do it.  Rude.  

•  The sixth rule of Compliment Club:  Just go for it!  There’s no time to waste and sometimes the window to offer someone some kindness is short.  

I saw the most lovely old lady walking her dog this afternoon.  I admired her but hesitated.  No compliment.  I lost my chance.  

I suppose the lesson is:  don’t worry about embarrassing yourself.  Life is short.  Say it and mean it! 

•  The seventh rule of Compliment Club:  Don’t expect anything in return.  Everyone absorbs a compliment differently.   Some people feel embarrassed.  Others might want to refute you.  Some with thank you.  Some might back away slowly.  Have no expectations.  Just put your kind words out in the world, let them linger in the air, soak in… and your job is done!  Besides, expecting a compliment in return would make you a jerk and jerks don’t deserve compliments anyway.  

Ultimately, Compliment Club is not about being flashy, outgoing, or overly extroverted… it’s about genuinely liking people, seeing their good, and reflecting their light back to them.  Totally easy.  Go on, have at it! 

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Kathy Henn

    As the recepient of a lovely compliment last week, I can attest to its power. It came at exactly the right time, just what I needed. I appreciated her kind words,and will always remember them.

    Reply

  2. Nina Rubin

    This is such a great sentiment and post! On that note, I love how you seem so enthusiastic about life and baking. I follow your instagram and have made so many of your recipes! Thank you!

    Reply

  3. Meg

    I am SO PUMPED to join Compliment Club – it’s like shine theory, but in gift form! It always feels so damn good to give a genuine compliment, I keep meaning to do more of it. Thanks for the inspo (also, these rules are SPOT ON).
    xx

    Reply

  6. ellenzav

    I love this, Joy! I teach kids with severe disabilities at a high school in Virginia. Last year, a coworker and I decided that our school, (and,honestly, the world), could use some more love and a LOT less negativity. We started a campaign called Live Kindness as a sort of alternative to the anti-bullying campaign. Instead of telling students what they shouldn’t do, we have been encouraging them to look for all the little things they CAN do. We’re trying to get our students and colleagues to look for opportunities to make someone’s day better. Little things, like giving a compliment, create a ripple effect that can really make a difference in this world. I’m rambling now but this is close to my heart!

    What I’m trying to say is: thank you. I love the message behind this. Keep spreading the joy =).

    Reply

  7. Edlyn

    I’m one of those people that feels incredibly awkward when I get complimented on my clothes, shoes or appearance. I know some women love it so I say nice things but lately I’ve been trying this thing where I compliment less superficially i.e. looks + something on the inside. Inside-outside compliments, I call them. You’re totally correct about taking a chance and saying something good about people like cute old ladies. I’ve done it before and it is worth it. It really spreads all this wonderful positive energy into the world and I love that. Yes to Compliment Club!

    Reply

  8. Maddy @ The Sweetest Beet

    This brought such a smile to my face. I love that you’re blog stretches beyond just food and recipes (which are absolutely divine and delicious), bringing an overarching “feel good” vibe to all the posts you write. It’s such a breath of fresh air!

    Reply

  9. Catalina

    I absolutely love this. I’m definitely guilty of exaggerating my compliments just because I’m SO passionate about it. But reading that rule made me realize that it can actually cause a negative reaction. Thank you so much for posting this! <3

    Catalina // heartenest

    Reply

  10. Kate

    It’s easier to compliment kids sometimes, you know they’re dependent on adults for so many things and it makes sense that they should be mostly or at least partly dependent on us for their sense of self-worth. The rules you gave work really well for kids, focus on what they did and how it was helpful, be specific and sincere because they can spot a faker. I would add one more, though: don’t compliment girls (or women for that matter) only on how they look – it reinforces what society tells them all the time, when they could be hearing from you that they are smart, articulate, funny or a great runner, and not just “that’s a pretty dress you’re wearing”.

    Reply

  12. Anne

    This is an important subject. I often think about it. It is a good synthèse. Ans it’s not because people sometimes seem to have a very hard time giving the compliments (they just keep them often) that we have to do the same. Yes, be the generous one no matter what.

    Reply

  14. Lisa

    Thank you for this post! I’m joining the club. :)
    I’ve been following your blog for years and have always enjoyed your recipes, writing, and witty observations.

    Reply

  18. Femke Noyen

    thank you for the inspiring tips!
    In our small country belgium compliments are very rare, and those rare compliments are often exagerated.

    Since a couple of years my trick is to say out loud what I was thinking. We often think ‘ she has a nice dress’ but it is rarely said out loud.
    this way compliments are not forced or fake… it feels comfortable do give real compliments; and people can indeed be shy or give no response… but the twinkling eyes say enough!

    Reply

  19. The Craftables

    I love the idea of giving compliments, if we see or hear something and genuinely love it (like this post!). Random or not, it takes stepping out of a comfort zone. But, it’s definitely worth it! Who knows, a random compliment might make someone’s day!

    Thank you for sharing such a positive and honest message :)

    Reply

  24. lorilu

    Great post. You can find something good in almost every body…..(almost)
    It’s amazing how many people don’t get to experience the warmth and good feelings you get when you help to make someone’s day just a little bit better. Thank You for reminding us !

    Reply

  30. Kristina

    I am a true believer in this. I gave a compliment to a lady the other day and her response really threw me for a loop. She has a beautiful garden that I admire every morning when I walk my kids to school. She was out gardening one morning, so I decided to take a moment to let her know how much of a bright spot getting to see her garden is to me every day. She glared at me and then very sternly replied, “I hope you’re not driving. Have another lady!”. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. So I didn’t. I replayed it over and over in my head….did I sound drunk? It’s 8:15 a.m., I’ve got three kids with me! How did that just go so very wrong!?!? Her response was bizarre, indeed, but I am glad I told her. I would have kicked myself if I passed up the opportunity. Giving people compliments when you really believe in them feels good. Even if they accuse you of being drunk after you give them :)

    Reply

  31. Cassie Sue

    One time, someone just left a post-it on my car that said “I think you looked beautiful today”. I don’t know who it was from but it made me feel really good. So a compliment doesn’t always have to be face to face, if you feel like you missed the opportunity you could always leave a note for someone. Also good if you are shy.

    Reply

  33. Sifra

    I am totally in! Every day I try, but one day goes better than another… You give courage to keep trying. Thank you.

    Reply

  34. mary daly

    Love this! I lived in New Orleans before the storm. My Mardi Gras tradition was to compliment people who looked a bit lost in the crowds. All I said was “You look totally cute”. It NEVER failed to make people happy!

    Reply

  36. Pam Mastin

    This is a great post and a good thing to look for the beauty in everyone. But seriously, standing behind someone who is writing a check is a challenge????

    Reply

  37. Vicki Rice

    Last night I couldn’t sleep, and I was thinking about this very thing! I was trying to think of things I can do make my life and actions matter more, and to move away from the hate and negative comments on FB. Thanks for the insight and hints, I can’t wait to start doing more of this.

    Reply

  38. Joy

    Thanks for this, Joy. This is so needed in the world. I’m a big giver of sincere compliments because I’ve realized that if I think something is beautiful or awesome (or whatever), I should share that thought because who wouldn’t want to know that what they’re doing/wearing/whatever is seen as wonderful to someone else? Although…I, too, have my shy moments that slip by but you’ve just reinforced my courage and I will hopefully not hesitate the next time I want to express my compliment to someone.

    Reply

  39. Leanne

    This is beautiful and perfectly stated! I am in. Another plus to the compliment club is that it is impossible to stay grumpy when you’re focusing on finding the light in others. Not as altruistic, but our light should shine, too, right??!

    Reply

  40. Lane | Modern Granola

    Love it love it love it! This is so important. There is a quote that says, “Never pass up an opportunity to say a kind word.” I don’t remember who said it, but I think about it a lot. It is so easy to not say anything, but it really makes people light up when you put forth that little bit of effort to share appreciation.
    Happy Summer!
    xx Lane

    Reply

  43. Michelle

    Great advice! You should also do a post on how to accept a compliment. Just say THANK YOU! I will frequently compliment a co-worker on what she is wearing and she’ll say something to the effect of “Oh, this thing – it’s soooo old” or “I have worn this before.” I get so mad that I end up getting snotty and saying “It maybe soooo old, but I still think it looks nice on you.” or “Oh, I can only compliment you once on something??”

    Reply

  45. Danielle Gonzales

    Love this!! i tend to blurt out compliments like this to strangers every once in a while but then get embarrassed because i’m worried that I come off as creepy. Thank you for motivating me to be brave!!

    Reply

  46. Emily

    I. Love. This. You are gifted with words and your ability to motivate me in the kitchen, the library and the world at large is much appreciated. Keep doing what you are doing, and – I’m SO in.

    Reply

  47. Amy

    I saw Terrie (above) comment that she was going to post these in her classroom next year. Great idea! I’m going to invite a whole crew of students to join your Compliment Club in the Fall! :) Thanks, Joy!

    Reply

  49. Sydney | Modern Granola

    Yay! The Compliment Club is something I want to be a part of! Great tips, especially the one about bewaring of the hyperbolic compliment. I agree that it negates your efforts a bit.

    Thanks for encouraging the support and appreciation of the people we encounter everyday. The world needs more of posts like this!

    xx Sydney

    Reply

  50. susan

    Ok..I’ll start here. ..you and your readers make me feel like I’ve got a home away from home. Thanks for sharing the love :)

    Reply

  52. Miranda

    Such a beautiful post. Thank you!

    The only thing I would add to this list is Take a Compliment. Truly. I find it’s disappointing to offer a genuine compliment merely to have it deflected with a contradiction, or worse, self deprecation. Just take the compliment and be gracious about it. I’m sure you could write an entire post about this.

    Reply

    • Cassie Sue

      So true, it has taken me years to be able to say “Thank you!” to a compliment. I don’t like attention so I usually get flustered and say something dumb, but thank you is so easy, and doesn’t deflect someone trying to actually say something nice.

      Reply

  55. Jenna

    Loving this post today!! I’ve found that women tend not to be kind to each and that should totally change! We shouldn’t be against each other or be catty, we should be supportive and stick together. This reminded me to try a be a better person today :)

    Reply

  58. Terrie Trebicock

    I am posting the seven rules in my classroom next year! Thank you for such a positive idea!

    Reply

  59. Becky

    SO great!! I love a positive outlook! Thanks so much for this idea and very cool to give your idea a fun club name! First thing I read today and it will make me look at the day differently!!

    Reply

  61. CJ

    Love this. Try to do this daily..or monthly..whatever. Not always perfectly executed. Recently on vacation in Carmel CA, I complimented an elderly lady on her amazing colorfull blouse. I crossed the street to tell her she looked like a Monet painting. She was quite hard of hearing and I had to repeat shouting the intended compliment 3 times. Pretty sure I scared her……Oops :)

    Reply

  62. Marisa Franca @ All Our Way

    I do try to follow “If you can’t say something nice — don’t say anything at all”. And I have said this to you before but it bears repeating — you are a real inspiration and I enjoy your quirky sense of humor.

    Reply

  63. Elizabeth @ Pineapples and Polka Dots

    I love the idea. It’s amazing how far a little kind word can go. I know that when I receive a compliment, it really brightens my day, so I try to pay that forward. Thanks for your suggestions on more genuine ways to compliment others. It’s a good thing to think about!

    Reply

  66. deepcovesusi

    My philosophy too, but haven’t articulated it well. You did a fab job of explaining the who, what, where, why, when and the how. And you did it in a lighthearted and welcoming way. Well done! You’re helping to change the world, one post at a time! ~ Susan

    Reply

  70. lookbackwithwonder

    Ooooooh I LOVE this post. This is exactly how I’m feeling these days. Practicing getting vulnerable and showing people who you are.. and being brave enough to send them so much love. Favorite post of the internet right now! And that is my compliment to you~

    Reply

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