Friends, hi!
I didn’t think I’d have anything wise to say about motherhood by my first Mother’s Day, and six weeks in, that expectation holds true. In one hand, I’m holding the cup of coffee I’ll never quite manage to drink while it’s hot – ever again. In the other, the memory of the last few Mother’s Days I spent privately wanting this *gestures broadly at baby swaddled in bassinet, stained nursing bra, and breast pump next to my laptop*. Hoping for all of this, not specifically, but somehow exactly. The fullness of this moment, the hope I’ve held for years, and the unscathed nipples I had last year, aren’t lost on me.
(I talked a bit about my pregnancy journey here.)
I’m just thrilled BEYOND that I get to share with you! In early April, we welcomed our son, John Lesly Jorgensen, into the world. Me, at 44 years old. Him arriving loud and certain at six pounds / fifteen ounces of absolute wonder and surprisingly strong opinions. A seventh-generation Texan (a detail that carries great weight in his Texas family) and an Aries baby, baby!
Birth? We don’t need to get into that. In fact, I’m working diligently to forget a few of those finer details, thank you very much. What I will say is that the result was a boy born with a soft swirl of brown hair at the crown of his head, strong preferences about how he’d like to be swaddled, and deep navy eyes that may settle into blue or brown or something entirely his own. Understatement of the year: it’s pretty cool!
Now, in the process of getting to know him, I’ve come up with a short list of truths and a longer list of questions. Here are a few of them.
Things Motherhood (and postpartum, yahoooo!) Have Unlocked So Far (A Working, Bleary-Eyed List):
• First, the exhaustion of it all. Mmmmkay yes, that’s real. Motherhood has unlocked a level of deep tired I didn’t know was available to me. You know in movies when a hypnotist snaps their fingers and says sleep and someone immediately collapses? I get that now. If anyone jingled keys in front of my face and suggested a nap, I’d fold like a lawn chair.
• Strangely, right alongside that exhaustion is patience. A brand new tool in the toolbox and absolutely essential – huzzah! Helpful tools in building patience: perspective and pacifiers (which are, for reasons no one can explain, nearly impossible to locate between the hours of 1am and 5am when they are most critical).
• Now this may be specific to my postpartum experience, but it needs to be addressed: is it just me, or is Mark Ruffalo in everything? I feel like I’ve seen him in every show and movie I’ve nursed through and dozed off to these past six weeks. I genuinely cannot tell if he is everywhere or if I am watching the same thing over and over again. Please advise.
• Casually… and this comes as more of a question than a truth: what are we doing about our nipples? I can barely think about them without them hurting, and unfortunately I will not be seeking out yet another stranger to aggressively coach me on breastfeeding optimization. I simply cannot handle it at this time but I do hope you can tell me broadly what to do about them.
• Another gentle pondering: will my abs ever come back together or nah?
• And what is this torture device you call a breast pump? I’m counting the weeks before it goes the way of the printer in Office Space.
• My husband Will leaving coffee and breakfast on my nightstand every morning has been a lifesaver! Other small mercies include my parents’ month-long visit to Texas where I’m still discovering corner of the house my mom and dad cleaned and organized. Audiobooks (shoutout Lilith Lit Book Club). Trader Joe’s trail mix. Ultima electrolytes topped with coconut water. A nightly shower vacation.
• And time is different now. Softer around the edges. Blurry, actually? A whole day disappears into feeding, changing, soothing, and repeating until suddenly it’s dark again. I’ve found that what matters most is how I show up in those squishy hours. I’m grasping for every bit of grace and gratitude because as soft as time feels, it’s also flying.
Aside from these tiny truths, I overflow with gratitude for this chance to raise our boy alongside Will and our families. Thank goodness for grandparents and great aunts and uncles, and dozens of aunties (biological and otherwise). Gratitude for the women who have mothered me (especially my mom, Patty Wilson – still the gold standard), and all my girlfriends who have entered motherhood before me and shown, by example, how to care for another person with devotion, humor, full-time jobs… and still occasionally make it out to happy hour. Incredible!
So, since I’m new here, at the very top of this specific journey. Since I need some words of actual wisdom to read through come 3am when John takes to breastfeeding like a frenzied gremlin. This post, along with your postpartum wisdom, has been a buoy in the middle of the night. So, I have a question for you:
What’s your best mothering advice?
What wisdom have you earned along the way? Big or small, practical or hard-won. What has helped you trust yourself in it?
Tell me anything and everything. I’d love to read it all.
And however you mother – through babies, grown children, in friendships, or by letting the dogs jump on the bed for belly rubs every morning, I want to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day!
My love and gratitude to you, friend!
xo Joy
p.s. Tron would like to note that he’s taken to big brotherhood rather against his will. It’s inspired a bought of geriatric cat arthritis he blames baby John for. He begrudgingly admits that he is being exceptionally cared for and continues to be spoiled mightily.
102 Responses
Congratulations on a dream come true
Congratulations! My main recommendation would be to keep him away from any bigoted, MAGA family members, who will teach him hate over love!
Congratulations! And thanks for sharing some of your wisdom here. What I’ve learned in motherhood (and womanhood really) is: speak about it. So thank you for posting :)
For the nipples: some creams do help. I don’t live in your part of the world, so I don’t have any brands to recommend, sorry.
Also, changing positions. As much as possible, anything, as long as baby gets milk. Including the unglamorous cow-position (baby lying on her back on a large bed, me on all fours with breast dangling over and in her mouth).
Very thin, very white skin is the worst, according from hospital midwives. It will toughen up though.
Leading to our good old friend: time. Six weeks in, it really gets better. Six months in, nothing seems easier.
Keep in mind that formula / bottle is no easier. Stressing out about qualities, quantities, ratios, cleaning… is something you avoid when beastfeeding.
Best mother advice: babies do cry when you put them down. You’re doing nothing wrong.
Best parenting advice: do not say “no” (immature brains don’t process negations very well), say what the child can do. ‘You can whisper’, ‘You can stroke the dog’… Instead of ‘Don’t yell’ and ‘Don’t hit the dog’. It really works much, much better.
Enjoy your family!!
Be kind to yourself. I learned as I went along, and as I was guided by my loving mother. We all make mistakes, but remember to forgive yourself. Congratulations! You got this!
Don’t forget to clean the neck! Advice thrown at me as an afterthought as the nurse left me to manage this whole motherhood thing on my own for the first time in my life. And it is the advice I tell everyone!
Congratulations on becoming a mother and fulfilling what appears to have been a private hope of yours. Nothing else matters quite as much anymore.
The one thing I’ve learned in 14 years of motherhood is that it will never go the way you expect it to and that is ok.
And also you will never stop sneaking into their rooms at night to steal a kiss on the cheek and inhale the scent of their cosy dreams no matter how old they are.
Re: nipples – multi mam breast compresses will save you, better than any cream or lotion out there.
So happy for you ?
Lanolin for nipples :) All natural, non-toxic, feels like a little coat of armor. You’re doing great!
Endless congratulations to you, Joy!! I am also an IVF mom to a precious baby boy who will turn 2 on Friday. While I am still new to this whole motherhood journey myself, I think my best advice is to just love your son. He will feel that beyond anything and your bond will turn into something special and sweet and completely indescribable. Try not to compare your journey, or his, to anyone else’s. This is the first time that he has ever existed; so your path will be completely unique. Wisdom? 1. Exhaustion is real; ask for help; accept help if offered. Being a mom is HARD. It’s ok to feel that and to have bad days and also love your baby and be grateful for his life. Two things can be true at the same time. Give yourself some grace. 2. Try to say “yes” as much as you can. I find that as a parent with a “big important adult life”, it can be easy to default to “maybe later” or “not today” or “mommy’s tired”. But I try to ask myself “is doing this task/activity/play, etc. really a hard no?” If it’s not, then say yes. The joy and wonder he will experience at the smallest things will bring back joy and wonder to you too. 3. He doesn’t need expensive toys, fancy technology, or a million gadgets. He just needs you to explore the world with him; even if the world right now is just snuggles, or water in the bathtub as it splashes, or a ball that bounces, or listening to you sing to him, or going for a ride in the stroller and looking at the sky and feeling the breeze. As far as trusting myself, I’m still working on that. But I try to remind myself that I know him best. I see all of his moods, all of his changes, all of his likes/dislikes and reactions. And every time he reaches for me, or calls out to me, or wants to hug or kiss me or snuggle against my chest, I know that my simply loving him unconditionally is the most important gift I can give him. You will find your way and your rhythm, and you will find trust in your instincts. You are not alone on this hard, exhausting, terrifying, confusing, wonderful road of being a mom. You are doing a great job :)
Joy?? congratulations a million times over. So many thoughts reading this but I am just so happy for you guys. Get silverettes! They are lifesavers for your nipples. And my advice is some I was given and has richly blessed my life- delight in your child! Been a fan for a decade or more and just so so so happy for you ?? xo
Re. sore nipples: silver nipple covers (make sure they are made of silver) really saved me during the first weeks of breastfeeding. Much better than lanolin or those expensive single use nipple patches. I was a bit skeptical at first but they work so well at letting the sore skin heal between feeding sessions. You just put them over the nipple after breastfeeding and the silver in combination with a remaining drop of breastmilk helps woundhealing immensely. Bonus: it keeps the fabric of your clothes away from the sore skin.
Hang in there it does get easier! And if it doesn’t, there is no shame in switching to formula!
Congratulations!!! I had my first at 40 and my second at 44. He’s 7 months old, so I’m just a couple months ahead of you. It doesn’t feel like it, but it will fly. Whatever your favorite part of babyhood is (for me it is contact naps), try to do that part as much as you can. You can’t spoil them, they will be fine. with my first I was so worried about contact naps and if she’d ever sleep in a crib (she’s the best sleeper). With this one, I indulge in contact naps whenever I can, he sleeps fine too.
1) ditto the you can’t make a happy baby happier. If he’s happy sitting in the stroller watching people at dinner, leave him be.
2) Be kind to yourself and your body. Who knows if or when stuff will go back, but really give yourself time (like 9 months to a year at least) before stressing about any of it. Buy the bigger jeans and a bigger non-maternity bathing suit and keep living your life.
3) Until about 9 months, everything changes every 2 weeks. So if it feels extra hard, no it won’t be this way forever, he will adjust to the new schedule soon.
4) Keep notes. I have a note in my phone that I update when I’m up with a baby in the middle of the night. Silly things they did, the milestones, the fun comments, etc. I’ll print out and put in a baby book eventually.
5) Breastfeeding – be kind to yourself. I breastfed one kid and not the other, everyone is the same amount of healthy.
6) This is a marathon not a sprint. I remind myself of that when I start to make life harder for a 1% better thing – it isn’t worth it.
when I was up in the night with my kiddos, i used to think of all the other parents in my city, my province, my country and on and on who were also up in the night with their little ones. it brought me comfort to know that i wasn’t alone in the moment.
sending you lots of love as you start this journey together as a family
For the nipples – lanolin or coconut oil in abundance. And patiently popping baby off and trying again if the latch hurts. The pump – silicone flange inserts in the right size! Ask a lactation consultant or buy a ruler off the internet but those 24mm flanges that come standard fit basically no one. Silicone flanges from Lacteck and/or from Legendairy Milk (which will also sell you a ruler) saved my boobs currently nursing my second (nursed and pumped for 14 months with my first).
As for general advice – be kind and lower tour expectations for everyone . Yourself, your partner, your baby. It’s a new world for all three of you and you just gotta get through the day some days.
Congratulations. As a mom of a now 5 and 7 yo. I’d give my left toe to go back to when my littles were babies. I savor those sweet, blurry, and even exhausting moments so much (and I’m not trying to sugar coat it…those days are hard, but also, not forever). Enjoy the squish. There is always more, and with each phase a new personality unlocked both in yourself and your child. Love your husband, you’re a team, and as long as you approach it like that, you’re alright. Best wishes and blessings for you both.
Big congrats! He is absolutely precious and you’re doing fantastic! To add to some of the good advice above, and yes, lanolin. I discovered you don’t have to use the breast plates that come with a given pump. I discovered some online that had multiple cups for various breast sizes; that way you could have a cup that fit your breast, and it was designed to hang downward more, to maximize flow of milk out, and also more like the position of nursing baby. I think the brand was “pumping pals.” (there are probably other choices now, but just to say, using a more custom fit for your breast can help) And it fit most brands of lactation pumps. Also, I recommend, esp. in first 6 months, try not to pump too much as baby goes through striking growth spurts and he will prompt you to produce more milk through his demand when he hits those spurts. The pump won’t prompt your body in the same way; this can be why some people plateau with milk production. From a mom who also started in her forties. And be easy on yourself. (I had good and not so good experience with lactation nurses — I even found someone to talk to just by phone once, that was the best actually)
Congrats on the little one! It’s been a while since having babies, but I used motherlove nipple cream for chapped/sore/cracked nipples.
Direct site for the product: https://motherlove.com/products/nipple-cream?variant=31608366891106&country=US¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17189690612&gbraid=0AAAAACyDSv9kRLCetAvo3PMiMOxHpGO1P&gclid=EAIaIQobChMInKjTwJXalAMVug5ECB1YEBD7EAQYASABEgJpPvD_BwE
Amazon also sells it: https://www.amazon.com/Motherlove-Certified-Organic-Cracked-Nursing/dp/B0007CQ726?th=1
It’s organic and plant-based, so its’s safe for you and the baby so you can still nurse. Hope this helps!
Congratulations, from the heart! Mother of two here, and my advice is to trust your gut, above all else. You hold the ethereal connection to your child and will always know deep in your heart. Also, however you decide to go about things, throw out the milestones, write down the details as a keepsake, and enjoy guiding your son on his soul’s journey. My very best to you.
I was putting my son to bed tonight and a thought popped into my head – since I got off Instagram months ago I don’t know what Joy has been up to and oh I so hope she’s had some wonderful baby news. And here it is ?? welcome to the world John. So happy for your family!
What a perfect update to read! Congratulations again! Time has passed, maybe it’s no longer a problem. But for the nips, a cold cabbage leaf cupping your breast inside your bra (a LLL Trick.) There are things called nipple shields. Eventually you will toughen up. It won’t hurt forever. It’s so worth it too stick with it. Good for your innards to contact back where they belong. It’s good for baby, for his immune system, in the long run. It’s also good for him in the immediate, if you run into someone who has a cold or the flu. You’ll share your immunity to him though your milk. I BF my oldest for over 2 years, my youngest for over 3. It’s not like for you now. It got down to just a few minutes before bed at the end. That last jolt of oxytocin sent them right off to sleep. ? You know how precious that is.
John is gorgeous, and so are you! ?
Congrats! Some people are allergic to lanolin – especially folks who are allergic to wool. I didnt know that til I was nursing and it was life-changing info! Best wishes and I hope you all keep getting more and more sleep each week – you will!
Congratulations!! The best advice I got for my twins (almost 2 now) is to take more videos of the everyday moments. Photos are great and you’ll have a million but the videos really capture the moments where they did something adorable or made cute sounds and I look at those already so often. As others have said, trust your gut. And don’t feel bad about asking for what YOU need. The fourth trimester isn’t talked about enough. Breastfeeding and pumping is really challenging and taxing – physically and mentally. Do what’s best for you! Baby will be fine either way. And it took me until 18-months to feel even remotely like myself again.
Hi Joy and congrats!! Your Mark Ruffalo comment made me giggle. I remember watching weird TV and playing Animal Crossing on Switch in a kind of daze during those first few months trying to figure out nursing/pumping/mothering. My advice is lean into the kids show Bluey early, just for yourself, and watch the episode called “Baby Race”. It still gets me every time, and my kids are 4 and 6 now. Bottom line: you’re doing great!
I’m so happy to read this, Joy – congratulations! I had my first and only child at 43. He’s 9 now and I’ve learned that there are many advantages to having ‘just the one’, most people assume I’m younger (which makes me feel younger), and I love that I had so many life experiences before having my child but still got to experience motherhood. I do sometimes feel a little grief that I haven’t had the opportunity to have more children like most parents, and I sometimes suffer from imposter syndrome when amongst the other parents at my son’s school, but these things are a small price to pay on the whole. The biggest advice I have is to not take others’ advice too seriously, and to pick and choose from it as you wish because truly all children are different and what works for one is not necessarily right for another. Wishing you many moments of joy in this new and exciting phase of life!