Friends, hi!
I didn’t think I’d have anything wise to say about motherhood by my first Mother’s Day, and six weeks in, that expectation holds true. In one hand, I’m holding the cup of coffee I’ll never quite manage to drink while it’s hot – ever again. In the other, the memory of the last few Mother’s Days I spent privately wanting this *gestures broadly at baby swaddled in bassinet, stained nursing bra, and breast pump next to my laptop*. Hoping for all of this, not specifically, but somehow exactly. The fullness of this moment, the hope I’ve held for years, and the unscathed nipples I had last year, aren’t lost on me.
(I talked a bit about my pregnancy journey here.)
I’m just thrilled BEYOND that I get to share with you! In early April, we welcomed our son, John Lesly Jorgensen, into the world. Me, at 44 years old. Him arriving loud and certain at six pounds / fifteen ounces of absolute wonder and surprisingly strong opinions. A seventh-generation Texan (a detail that carries great weight in his Texas family) and an Aries baby, baby!
Birth? We don’t need to get into that. In fact, I’m working diligently to forget a few of those finer details, thank you very much. What I will say is that the result was a boy born with a soft swirl of brown hair at the crown of his head, strong preferences about how he’d like to be swaddled, and deep navy eyes that may settle into blue or brown or something entirely his own. Understatement of the year: it’s pretty cool!
Now, in the process of getting to know him, I’ve come up with a short list of truths and a longer list of questions. Here are a few of them.
Things Motherhood (and postpartum, yahoooo!) Have Unlocked So Far (A Working, Bleary-Eyed List):
• First, the exhaustion of it all. Mmmmkay yes, that’s real. Motherhood has unlocked a level of deep tired I didn’t know was available to me. You know in movies when a hypnotist snaps their fingers and says sleep and someone immediately collapses? I get that now. If anyone jingled keys in front of my face and suggested a nap, I’d fold like a lawn chair.
• Strangely, right alongside that exhaustion is patience. A brand new tool in the toolbox and absolutely essential – huzzah! Helpful tools in building patience: perspective and pacifiers (which are, for reasons no one can explain, nearly impossible to locate between the hours of 1am and 5am when they are most critical).
• Now this may be specific to my postpartum experience, but it needs to be addressed: is it just me, or is Mark Ruffalo in everything? I feel like I’ve seen him in every show and movie I’ve nursed through and dozed off to these past six weeks. I genuinely cannot tell if he is everywhere or if I am watching the same thing over and over again. Please advise.
• Casually… and this comes as more of a question than a truth: what are we doing about our nipples? I can barely think about them without them hurting, and unfortunately I will not be seeking out yet another stranger to aggressively coach me on breastfeeding optimization. I simply cannot handle it at this time but I do hope you can tell me broadly what to do about them.
• Another gentle pondering: will my abs ever come back together or nah?
• And what is this torture device you call a breast pump? I’m counting the weeks before it goes the way of the printer in Office Space.
• My husband Will leaving coffee and breakfast on my nightstand every morning has been a lifesaver! Other small mercies include my parents’ month-long visit to Texas where I’m still discovering corner of the house my mom and dad cleaned and organized. Audiobooks (shoutout Lilith Lit Book Club). Trader Joe’s trail mix. Ultima electrolytes topped with coconut water. A nightly shower vacation.
• And time is different now. Softer around the edges. Blurry, actually? A whole day disappears into feeding, changing, soothing, and repeating until suddenly it’s dark again. I’ve found that what matters most is how I show up in those squishy hours. I’m grasping for every bit of grace and gratitude because as soft as time feels, it’s also flying.
Aside from these tiny truths, I overflow with gratitude for this chance to raise our boy alongside Will and our families. Thank goodness for grandparents and great aunts and uncles, and dozens of aunties (biological and otherwise). Gratitude for the women who have mothered me (especially my mom, Patty Wilson – still the gold standard), and all my girlfriends who have entered motherhood before me and shown, by example, how to care for another person with devotion, humor, full-time jobs… and still occasionally make it out to happy hour. Incredible!
So, since I’m new here, at the very top of this specific journey. Since I need some words of actual wisdom to read through come 3am when John takes to breastfeeding like a frenzied gremlin. This post, along with your postpartum wisdom, has been a buoy in the middle of the night. So, I have a question for you:
What’s your best mothering advice?
What wisdom have you earned along the way? Big or small, practical or hard-won. What has helped you trust yourself in it?
Tell me anything and everything. I’d love to read it all.
And however you mother – through babies, grown children, in friendships, or by letting the dogs jump on the bed for belly rubs every morning, I want to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day!
My love and gratitude to you, friend!
xo Joy
p.s. Tron would like to note that he’s taken to big brotherhood rather against his will. It’s inspired a bought of geriatric cat arthritis he blames baby John for. He begrudgingly admits that he is being exceptionally cared for and continues to be spoiled mightily.
24 Responses
So many congratulations!!! As a fellow mama to an early April baby after years of painful infertility, your story brings me extra joy. My sweet boy is now 20 (!), so I’m happy to share the things that helped me get here–some for younger years, some for older: (1) You can’t make a happy baby any happier. If he’s chilling or playing, without intervention on your part, great! Leave him be! (2) When he’s older: believe him. When he tells you things, believe him. Just start there, and you will build so much trust through the years. (3) When he’s older, get into the things he’s into: dinosaurs, soccer, sea otters, boygenius…your life will be so much the richer for it, and he will know that you value and see him. Blessings and all the best wishes for you on this much-yearned-for day.
To answer your question about abs – totally don’t worry about it now, but if they don’t come back – see a good pelvic floor pt or someone else who understands diastasis recti, cause they totally can.
Congratulations to you both! My nipple / breastfeeding advice is to prioritize your mental health. Please feel no guilt if you need to switch to formula. Whether you breastfeed or use formula, in a few short years he’ll be eating french fries off the floor of your dirty car. It’s fine.
One change with motherhood that I don’t think is talked about enough is rage. There are times you might feel rage. In those moments put your baby down and do not shake him. I know it sounds basic and I know you would never do that. But the lack of sleep plus the ability to snap into a rage can overtake your body and brain. Put your baby down and walk away if you need to. He’ll be ok, I promise.
Congrats again! So happy for you both.
Oh, John is absolutely perfect—thrilled for your family! What I wouldn’t give for those tiny baby squishes just one more time. These early days are hard and wonderful and everything in between, but sadly what everyone says is true and it goes by in a blink. Best advice as a recovering perfectionist is to loosen the grip a bit (I needed that advice and you may not), and enjoy the time that doesn’t last nearly as long as it should. My babies loved to be swaddled…until they didn’t. The joy is in the journey.
Also, I have had three c-sections, double mastectomy, and chemo. There is no pain that even touches the pain from early days of breastfeeding. Hang in there! Lanolin cream helped me a lot.
I have no doubt you are a wonderful mother. Take it all in—you did it!!
Coconut oil on pump flanges and making sure they’re properly sized helps w the pump a lot. Coconut oil also helped my boobs. My only was born when I was 43, and welcoming a little one w two decades of adulthood under my belt helped me slow down and savor his newness. He’s my wild wonder of a three-year-old now. All the grace and biggest congratulations to you!
As a long time reader, I am so happy for you! Motherhood, for me personally, has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Each phase is has moments of immense joy and moments of equally immense lows. The lows, for me at least, primarily involved mourning the me before motherhood. It’s best to let that before you go and grieve her. You learn how to be a new you. And as you say, that new you does include patients in abundance, nipples that will literally NEVER look the same again, a new body and new aches (especially for us older new moms), and a cosmic connection to a little life that is impossible to explain and yet you’re tethered for life! My little lady is three now and I finally feel like I’ve discovered how to do me in this chapter of life. As for the practicals: buy a ton of pacis (like 10!) and put multiples in or near the bassinet or where you two snuggle most; indulge in Taking Cara Babies – she saved my sanity by giving the gift of sleep, bless; indulge in the good dry shampoo; start a shared phone note with your husband for baby/toddler delights that you might want to remember; start a shared photo album so you only have to share photos with family one time; and the last one – not a judgement statement, just a lesson learned, fueling your body with a solid dose of healthy food will in fact breathe energy into your body, for realz. Also parent Reddit channels helped me, socials did not (except at the eating solids stage, so many helpful moms in that space.) You got this!
Regarding nipples, I would really recommend finding a good lactation nurse, it will make all the difference. I didn’t with my first and it was so, so helpful with my second. I know it sounds terrible but they can absolutely make a huge difference in the feeding process and it shouldn’t be that painful and it can be impossible to figure out all the things on your own. They prescribed some ointment for me that was an absolute lifesaver. In the short term, heating rice in baby socks in the microwave and putting them in your bra is really comforting. Hang in there!
Kids are people- their own people- and should be respected as such- even when it means something very different then you expected.
First of all, congratulations! Those of us who had to wait a long time to become mothers know what you are going through. We had our son through IVF.
Advice: Get a baby book and write in it faithfully. You THINK you’ll remember the little things that baby did and said, but you won’t. Or, at least keep a journal. All of those firsts need to be written down.
Oh, yes. The exhaustion. I thought I was going to die from the exhaustion! It doesn’t last forever (although it seems like it). Serving that precious baby, meeting all of his needs, we somehow dig deep and just do it. (More like survive it!) It’s love made manifest.
My “baby” is 34 now. The years will seemingly just FLY by. I never knew I could love someone as much as I love my child. He’s a man now, but in my heart, he’s still (and always will be) my baby.
I send my love to you and my best wishes as you navigate this new experience.
Congratulations sweet Joy! Best advise – trust your instincts. You know your baby best, don’t discount the biological connect you have to understanding him. Practical advice? By about 2 months or so you should be able to have him on a napping/bedtime routine. Don’t apologize to anyone in your life for sticking to it once you have it. A nighttime routine in the first 6 months will pay dividends later when his routine needs to be flexible for you and Will and all the other things in life.
Advice: do what you can when you can – even if it isn’t the “normal” time to do said thing.
Silverettes for the nips! PS as a fellow older first time mom and long time follower, this is very joyful indeed!
You will frequently be told to “enjoy every minute”. It is ok to not. And that doesn’t remove a single ounce of your gratitude. Being told to enjoy every minute is akin to being told to enjoy a headache because you’re lucky to have a head. It’s neither helpful, nor realistic. :) Also, “this too shall pass”. Say it on repeat like a mantra in those tougher moments! Take strength from the knowledge that it is true and you WILL get through those moments. Huge congratulations to you! What an absolute cutie!
So much I congratulations!!!!! Motherhood looks so beautiful on you!!! Lanolin is the only thing I think that works for nipples! BUT it should not be painful at 6 weeks! You should find a good lactation consultant. My lactation consultant was a stranger at first but I loved her and she helped me so much! It’s a special bond. Also you should have a lactation consultant that knows about tongue and lip ties. Your son may have a tongue and or lip ties causing you pain and him not able to get all the milk out. Also can not stress how much a pediatric chiropractor can help! My daughter had a clogged tear duct when she was a newborn that wouldn’t go away. I was told nothing I could do. I finally took her to the chiropractor and it was gone that night! My daughter is two and had diarrhea going on day 6. Wouldn’t stop! Told nothing I could do. Went to the chiropractor and she was completely better the next day. Coincidental? It’s happen too many time for it to be a coincidence. My daughter had her tongue and lip ties released at 4 months and it helped SO much. We went to a dentist that used a cold laser. My lactation consultant did body work on my baby before and after as did the chiropractor. It was so nice to have both of their support after and she was a totally different baby! I know all the advice gets overwhelming. Motherhood is so personal! I know so many people saying to just go to formula (and of course no shame in that) but breastfeeding is so worth it. My daughter is two and still nursing and I love this very short part of my life I give myself to her. Congratulations!!!!!!! I’ve read your website since 2011! You were one of the first I read! Long time follower!
The Hakka pump was an infinitely more pleasant pump experience for me, so maybe give that a look. Ditto the recommendation for soothing nipple cream, and also, it seemed they toughened up with time, much the same way those unbelievably soft baby feet will eventually toughen as he starts running around out there in the world. Many congratulations and happy mother’s Day!
Congratulations!!! I had my first at 40 and my second at 44. He’s 7 months old, so I’m just a couple months ahead of you. It doesn’t feel like it, but it will fly. Whatever your favorite part of babyhood is (for me it is contact naps), try to do that part as much as you can. You can’t spoil them, they will be fine. with my first I was so worried about contact naps and if she’d ever sleep in a crib (she’s the best sleeper). With this one, I indulge in contact naps whenever I can, he sleeps fine too.
1) ditto the you can’t make a happy baby happier. If he’s happy sitting in the stroller watching people at dinner, leave him be.
2) Be kind to yourself and your body. Who knows if or when stuff will go back, but really give yourself time (like 9 months to a year at least) before stressing about any of it. Buy the bigger jeans and a bigger non-maternity bathing suit and keep living your life.
3) Until about 9 months, everything changes every 2 weeks. So if it feels extra hard, no it won’t be this way forever, he will adjust to the new schedule soon.
4) Keep notes. I have a note in my phone that I update when I’m up with a baby in the middle of the night. Silly things they did, the milestones, the fun comments, etc. I’ll print out and put in a baby book eventually.
5) Breastfeeding – be kind to yourself. I breastfed one kid and not the other, everyone is the same amount of healthy.
6) This is a marathon not a sprint. I remind myself of that when I start to make life harder for a 1% better thing – it isn’t worth it.
when I was up in the night with my kiddos, i used to think of all the other parents in my city, my province, my country and on and on who were also up in the night with their little ones. it brought me comfort to know that i wasn’t alone in the moment.
sending you lots of love as you start this journey together as a family
For the nipples – lanolin or coconut oil in abundance. And patiently popping baby off and trying again if the latch hurts. The pump – silicone flange inserts in the right size! Ask a lactation consultant or buy a ruler off the internet but those 24mm flanges that come standard fit basically no one. Silicone flanges from Lacteck and/or from Legendairy Milk (which will also sell you a ruler) saved my boobs currently nursing my second (nursed and pumped for 14 months with my first).
As for general advice – be kind and lower tour expectations for everyone . Yourself, your partner, your baby. It’s a new world for all three of you and you just gotta get through the day some days.
Congratulations. As a mom of a now 5 and 7 yo. I’d give my left toe to go back to when my littles were babies. I savor those sweet, blurry, and even exhausting moments so much (and I’m not trying to sugar coat it…those days are hard, but also, not forever). Enjoy the squish. There is always more, and with each phase a new personality unlocked both in yourself and your child. Love your husband, you’re a team, and as long as you approach it like that, you’re alright. Best wishes and blessings for you both.
Big congrats! He is absolutely precious and you’re doing fantastic! To add to some of the good advice above, and yes, lanolin. I discovered you don’t have to use the breast plates that come with a given pump. I discovered some online that had multiple cups for various breast sizes; that way you could have a cup that fit your breast, and it was designed to hang downward more, to maximize flow of milk out, and also more like the position of nursing baby. I think the brand was “pumping pals.” (there are probably other choices now, but just to say, using a more custom fit for your breast can help) And it fit most brands of lactation pumps. Also, I recommend, esp. in first 6 months, try not to pump too much as baby goes through striking growth spurts and he will prompt you to produce more milk through his demand when he hits those spurts. The pump won’t prompt your body in the same way; this can be why some people plateau with milk production. From a mom who also started in her forties. And be easy on yourself. (I had good and not so good experience with lactation nurses — I even found someone to talk to just by phone once, that was the best actually)
Congrats on the little one! It’s been a while since having babies, but I used motherlove nipple cream for chapped/sore/cracked nipples.
Direct site for the product: https://motherlove.com/products/nipple-cream?variant=31608366891106&country=US¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17189690612&gbraid=0AAAAACyDSv9kRLCetAvo3PMiMOxHpGO1P&gclid=EAIaIQobChMInKjTwJXalAMVug5ECB1YEBD7EAQYASABEgJpPvD_BwE
Amazon also sells it: https://www.amazon.com/Motherlove-Certified-Organic-Cracked-Nursing/dp/B0007CQ726?th=1
It’s organic and plant-based, so its’s safe for you and the baby so you can still nurse. Hope this helps!
Congratulations, from the heart! Mother of two here, and my advice is to trust your gut, above all else. You hold the ethereal connection to your child and will always know deep in your heart. Also, however you decide to go about things, throw out the milestones, write down the details as a keepsake, and enjoy guiding your son on his soul’s journey. My very best to you.
I was putting my son to bed tonight and a thought popped into my head – since I got off Instagram months ago I don’t know what Joy has been up to and oh I so hope she’s had some wonderful baby news. And here it is ?? welcome to the world John. So happy for your family!
What a perfect update to read! Congratulations again! Time has passed, maybe it’s no longer a problem. But for the nips, a cold cabbage leaf cupping your breast inside your bra (a LLL Trick.) There are things called nipple shields. Eventually you will toughen up. It won’t hurt forever. It’s so worth it too stick with it. Good for your innards to contact back where they belong. It’s good for baby, for his immune system, in the long run. It’s also good for him in the immediate, if you run into someone who has a cold or the flu. You’ll share your immunity to him though your milk. I BF my oldest for over 2 years, my youngest for over 3. It’s not like for you now. It got down to just a few minutes before bed at the end. That last jolt of oxytocin sent them right off to sleep. ? You know how precious that is.
John is gorgeous, and so are you! ?