Dulce de Leche Cupcakes

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Is it wrong to J-walk into church? …. because I do it just about every Sunday.

Is it wrong to curse at people on the road while driving to church?  Cause… maybe that’s happened once or twice.

On a scale of one to total jerk… how jerky is it for me to blatantly roll my eyes at the lady on the spin bike next to me who is flirting with the obviously married man on the other side of me?  Do I really need to be in the middle of this interaction? It’s 7 in the morning! Come on.  Please.

Oh!  And while we’re on the subject… if you take your shirt off during spin class and decide to just ride it out in your sports bra…. I’m going to try very very very hard not to label you as an attention-seeking-lady-exerciser.  Do not like.  We’re all hot and sweating lady…. keep you shirt on.  There should be a rule.  There’s gotta be a rule.

Also… exactly how much of this batter can I spoon in my mouth after spin class and before rushing off to J-walk into church?  That’s the real issue.  The answer?  About two cupcakes worth of batter… which may or may not lead to a belly ache.  Don’t do what I do… J-walk, curse, or roll your eyes at attention seeking, inappropriately flirty strangerladies.  Be a nice person instead.

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Lemon Cornmeal Breakfast Cake

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There are only three reason why I would rip the shirt off my body in public:

1.  If a kitten were on fire and I needed to smother him, put him out, cuddle him, give him food, and make him mine forever.

2.  If I discovered a bee… a ferocious, man-eating bee, down my shirt.

3.  If a handsome young fireman needed my shirt to wipe his sweaty brow after saving a grandmother and her fluffy orange cat from the top of a burning tree.  But even then… I’d make the fireman take his shirt off first.  I have standards.

Yesterday, I ripped my shirt off in a spazzy, screaming fit on Main Street in Santa Monica.  There was no kitten nor fireman in sight.  There was a bee down my shirt.  A live bee… buzzing down my shirt.  Standing in front of a bike shop and across the street from a busy cafe, I full on FREAKED OUT and tore my shirt off my body.  There was also FREAK OUT screaming involved.   Then I spent another agonizing ten seconds trying to brush the bee off my body with the shirt I was supposed to be wearing.

Then I was just standing there… on the street… shirtless… in my ugly bra… the one that looks like my grandma’s sprotsbra.  I just stood there, holding my shirt and staring squarely at the ground… at the bee struggling to walk away… at the bee that had rendered me shirtless.  I knew that if I looked up from the ground I would be mortified times one million.

As I’m struggling with the sleeves, trying to get my shirt back on… I see a pair of feet stroll past me.  I didn’t see one of those red tipped seeing eye sticks, so this person was clearly a seeing person.  A witness.  Ok.  Carry on.

My sleeves were all wonky, I couldn’t button my shirt inside out.  I was a hot mess… so I had to take my shirt off (again!) invert the spazzy sleeves and put my shirt back on.  That’s twice that I’ve taken my top off… Enough!

I never did look up from the ground.  I never did blush.  I did, however, want to dig a whole through the concrete and tunnel home instead of putting my shirt back on and riding home.  But that’s just what I did.  And if anyone was pointing and laughing… well, I guess I can’t blame them.  I was quite the site.

Lessons were learned.  Always wear a cute bra.

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Blue Print Cleanse

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Friends.  Hi.

You might know that I just finished working on my first cookbook.  It’s a baking book…. duh.  I spent months knee deep in butter and sugar and flour and cream.  It was delicious.  It was overwhelming.  It made my waist bigger.  It made my pants tighter.  How could it not!?  I think I was absorbing butter and sugar through my pores.  Wait.  Can you gain weight through your pores?  Call a scientist.

After I turned in my manuscript, I decided to clear out my system with a cleanse.  Before you tune out… listen.  I’m not a cleanse girl.  I’m not particularly fancy.  I really really really like to eat food.  I just thought this might be a good thing to do for my body to regulate my sugar cravings and try to get myself back in control.  I don’t own a scale.  I wasn’t trying to lose weight.  I just thought a few days of wholesome juices might be a good way to counteract the constant stream of butter I had allowed into my system.

I embarked on a three day juice cleanse with Blue Print Cleanse.  The word ‘embark’ makes this process sound far more daunting that it actually was.  This post is more words that I ever write on my blog.  I just wanted to tell you what happens when a girl that is totally into food only drinks juice for three days.

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Vegan Cream of Mushroom Soup with not so vegan herb bread

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Do you have things in your head like the look of your dream house?   Your dream wedding dress?  Do you have the names of your nonexistent children all picked out?

I don’t have that.  Like… at all.

Sometimes I feel like there’s a strange void in my girlbrain.  But… I dunno.

I do have things in my head like… my dream pancake breakfast.  My dream shopping website.  My dream kitteh.  And now… my dream winter soup.

So.  At least there’s that.

mushroom soup collage

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Cappuccino Cookies with espresso and white chocolate

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I might have a problem.

I check the weather.  I sometimes watch the news… just for the weather.  I’m obsessed with the weather.

See… if it’s raining then I can’t go for a bike ride.  If I can’t go for a bike ride then I have to find some sort of other exercise to do to keep my crazy brain from going crazy.  If I can’t find another exercise to do then I just end up doing halfass yoga in my living room for like… three minutes, before I get bored.  If I get bored then I start plucking my eyebrows and trying on random lipsticks in my medicine cabinet.  If I try on too many lipsticks I walk around my house looking like a lady of the night (you know…), and I really hate when that happens.

… Then the day is over and all I have to show for it is smeared lipstick on my face, the wine I’m drinking in despair, my cat, and episodes of Top Chef and Teen Mom 2.   See what I’m dealing with here?

I checked the weather for tomorrow.  The weather icons show a sun (promising), clouds (uh-oh), rain drops (craptown) and a thunderbolt (oh, come on!).  Seriously?!  Who is in charge here?

What am I supposed to do with that!?  LipstickWineCatlady is soooo not a good look for me.

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Meet Joy


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Have you taken a look at the Meet Joy section of the site?

You can, it’s been spiffed up… but don’t feel obligated.  It’s just more about me and why I’m so ridiculous…. and why I have such a sweet tooth… and what my favorite color is.  Just the basics.

I happen to love getting all up in peoples’ business and when a site’s about page is skimpy, my nosey brain can’t get workin.

If you’re a nosey brain like me… feel free to also stalk me on Twitter and the Facebook.  Indulge the nosey brain.  Just do it.

Fancy Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

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I’m a lady… and this Valentine’s Day I’m going to treat myself like a lady.  I’ll open doors for myself.  I’ll pour myself the first glass of wine.  I’ll let me eat the last soft french fry.  I’ll drape my coat over a puddle for me to walk across.  I’ll slyly check myself out as I walk by.  Huh?  I’ll buy myself movie tickets and tell me I look pretty today.  That’s how it’s going to go down.  Except… I won’t put my jacket in a puddle because that’s just dumb.  Who does that?  Dummies.

This Valentine’s Day is going to get pretty glamorous.  I’m going to make myself a sandwich, scoop up some olives and drink a perfectly reasonable amount of wine.  Dig it.

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This Valentine’s Day, I’d also like to tell these people that I love them… because I do. I love you Asher, Launa, Lauren, Whitney, Zach, Rachel, Jenelle (you crazy lady), Jill, Kitten and Michael.  I love you all so much.  I love you enough to throw chocolate at you and run away.  Wait… what?  Let’s make out.  Nevermind.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and you.

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Whole Wheat Chocolate Brown Sugar Sugar Cookies

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Alright people.  Suit up.  Gather your armor.  We’ve got another holiday to dive into.

I’m talking about Valentine’s Day.

Now listen…. I don’t care where you stand on the Valentine’s Day issue.  I don’t care if you’re single or married or smitten or bitter.  Valentine’s Day exists… there’s no ignoring it.  Flag day we can ignore.  Arbor day we can half acknowledge…. but Valentine’s Day, we just have to get in there and deal with.

It’s like going to the dentist… but more romantic (or something).

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