Mama Says

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I was so fortunate to be raised by two loving, generous, good-humored, hungry, ball-busting parents.  Both my mom and dad taught me a plethora of life lessons that range from real to ridiculous.  Oooh man… these parents of mine loooooove a good life lesson.  They relish it.  My mama, in particular, is full of hearty gemstones for living.  She didn’t teach me much about eye-liner or kitten heels… that I sort of figured out on my own (by making soooo many mistakes trying to copy Blossom).  Mama-knowledge was more along the lines of ‘you know I raised you better than that, now act right and eat your apple’.  The older I get the more I appreciate the woman who raised me… mostly because the older I get the more I realize what a ridiculous youth I must have been to endure.  She’s a strong one and I feel blessed to have her.

Mama Says (or heavily implies):

–  Do not steal a person’s scissors.  More specifically, do not steal my scissors.  Just because you see scissors in the house does not mean they’re your scissors.  They’re for fabric, not construction paper.  Do not make the mistake of stealing my scissors.  Thank you.

–  We’re going to hem your pants and you’re not going to like it, but we’re going to do it anyway.  I don’t care if your friends at school don’t hem their pants.  If your friends at school tripped and fell off a bridge because they didn’t hem their pants, would you trip and fall off a bridge too?  No.  You’re welcome.

–  Always leave a place cleaner than you found it.  This often means cleaning a bathroom you do not want to clean.  Do it… even though you don’t want to.

–  No, you can not borrow my calligraphy pens.  Thank you for asking nicely.  Still… no.

–  Be the best of you that you can be.

–  ‘Shut-up’ is a bad word.  (Joy’s personal amendment:  unless you mean it in a good way.)

–  Donate everything.  Mostly your time and your clothes.

–  Happy 12th birthday.  I’m going to teach you how to do your own laundry now.  That’s that.

–  Hand-wash means wash by hand.  Follow directions.

–  Don’t do it.  You’ll get pregnant.  You really will…  don’t do it.

–  Don’t you dare come in this house pregnant if you don’t mean to be pregnant.  I don’t care if you’re 31.

–  You’re hungry?  Eat an apple.  You don’t want an apple?  You must not be hungry.

–  Yes I have Tums in my purse.  No, Joy… they’re not candy.  Get a hold of yourself.  Do you want an apple?  You must not be hungry.  Again… Tums are not candy.

–  I don’t put up with nonsense and I didn’t teach you to put up with nonsense either.

–  Doing things you don’t want to do when you’re a kid is really good practice for a being an adult and doing all the things that you don’t want to do… that’s why we’re picking you up from your best friends sleepover party early on Sunday morning and dragging you to church when none of your other friends have to leave early and go to church.  It’s ok that it’s not fair.  It’s ok that you’re whining.  You’re learning discipline and it’s a reeaallllyyy hard lesson to learn.

–  Because I said so.

–  Be braver than you think you can be.  Take my lead.

 

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196 Responses

  1. Sounds like your mom and mine were cut from the same cloth. Her ultimate compliment is, “I can see you are going hard places and staying there longer. I’m proud of you.” There’s a glory to suffering in that generation.

  2. Oh Joy. I love this. Your Mom totally rocks. Also, I think you need to re-vamp this up on the podcast too (aka share stories that go along with the points). Along with your happy 21st birthday list. Thanks much. :)

  3. Are you at the Nut Tree in that photo in Vacaville…I used to go there as a child….remembering the rocking horses.

  4. Loved this list. Growing up, my mom’s simple piece of advice to me was this: “Until you screw up, I trust you. Once you screw up, you lose that trust. Don’t screw up.” I find myself repeating this to my stepdaughter on a regular basis. Moms rule.

  5. The scissors thing. Yes – that scissors thing. That I NEVER understood until I had my own good Ghinger shears and cared about making stuff. And now I understand the scissors thing. And now I say all that same stuff about scissors to anyone in the house who will listen.

    You are so lucky to have such a smart, loving, kick-ass Mother.

  6. Joy – are you at the Nut Tree? I think I would recognize those horses anywhere. This post is very sweet. Your mom and did done good : )

  7. It was a very intersting article but I wish you would increase the font size…I can relate a lot to your mum…if thats ok with you coz she is a lot like mine…you r lucky….make the print darker and the font size bigger ..please

  8. Love this! Sounds just like my mama, too! I’m so grateful for having a mom (and dad) who taught me respect, self-discipline, sacrifice, and the value of hard work! I’m an elementary teacher, and let me tell ya…they don’t make many mama’s like that anymore! I fear the future of my little ones who live in a time where immediate gratification and selfishness is valued over the values I was taught as a child.

  9. Hi Joy!! I’m a new subscriber to your blog. I LOVE this post. Sounds so much like the things my mom used to say to me…and I am now saying to my own three kids!! Like you I’m passionate about food…about life. Self-taught….by my parents…and my tastebuds ;) I’m looking forward to reading…and baking more! God bless you

    Jessica

  10. Thank you for posting this. Such wonderful reminders. And now that I am a mom myself, I appreciate these lessons sooooo much more.

  11. No need to re-read what you have already written. However, below, I copied the life lessons that made me laugh, smile and say, I’ll be sure to do or say those same things to my own kid one day.

    – Don’t you dare come in this house pregnant if you don’t mean to be pregnant. I don’t care if you’re 31.

    – You’re hungry? Eat an apple. You don’t want an apple? You must not be hungry.

    – I don’t put up with nonsense and I didn’t teach you to put up with nonsense either.

    – Doing things you don’t want to do when you’re a kid is really good practice for a being an adult and doing all the things that you don’t want to do… that’s why we’re picking you up from your best friends sleepover party early on Sunday morning and dragging you to church when none of your other friends have to leave early and go to church. It’s ok that it’s not fair. It’s ok that you’re whining. You’re learning discipline and it’s a reeaallllyyy hard lesson to learn.

    – Be braver than you think you can be. Take my lead.

  12. Omg my mom said the same thing! “-  You’re hungry?  Eat an apple.  You don’t want an apple?  You must not be hungry.”
    Must be a mom thing. It’s hard to admit that they’re right.

  13. I love the part about the fabric scissors. I don’t know how many times my mom said that to me growing up. Now I say it to other people who enter my house. “Those scissors over there, the ones that are completely metal without the plastic handles, don’t even think about cutting anything but fabric with them!”

  14. random question, but was the picutre of you and your mom taken at The Nut Tree in NorCal? I’d recognize those rocking horses anywhere…

  15. Thanks so much, Joy!
    It does sound like things I said (or implied). I plead guilty. I’m glad you can appreciate and sift through what works for you now.
    We try so hard as parents-hoping to impart our” sifted through gems” our parents used with us. It is on-the-job training all the way.
    Joy, you will always be a huge blessing from God to Dad and me. We are so proud of you and all you have accomplished! Continue to be what the record sang
    Love,
    Mom
    PS. It warms my heart to know there were many other moms out there like me.

  16. oh yes. I was always the kid who got picked up at the sleepover to go to church.

    why couldn’t my friends have sleepovers on friday??

  17. so many lessons from our moms…my mother was a seamstress, so me using her scissors for anything else was not an option…but I sure tried! I miss her dearly, gone 4 years now. What I most love about her to this day is a comment she made to a friend. I didn’t quite catch it when she said it, but friend repeated it in awe afterwards. (I’m adopted) – when I was introducing her to my friend I explained slightly the circumstances of her being my mom, and her response was “But she was always my baby” Now I just refer to her as my Mom, and when asked about the very obvious non-relation (I’m dark skinned and she so wasn’t!) I explain – but only if asked. Her words of kindness towards the end stay with me till now: “Always be kind, you never know what the other person is going through”, “Young lady, behave yourself” and “do what makes you happy; don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do.” My life was molded by her, and her strengths and fears, which we lived day to day with an abusive husband/father, they stay with me as I go about my life without her…*sniff sniff* – thanks for your awesome words Joy, and what an amazing Mama you have! xo

  18. OMG Joy, I think we were raised by the same mom! from the calligraphy pens, to “shut up” being a curse word, to church after a sleepover- I lived the same childhood!! Now that I’m a mom, I say soooooo many of the same things my mom said- the apple (or orange, or banana) thing is forever on my lips!

  19. Hahahah My mom has always had issues with “her” scissors finding legs and walking off. I don’t know how many times she has fussed at us because she opens the drawer to get them and they are gone. Enough that she has gone to walmart and bought no less than 10 and put our names on a pair and DARED us to touch the remaining 7 :-D

  20. Love your post. When I was younger I was always whining ” That’s not fair” and my mom was always anwering ” La vie n ‘est faites que d’injustices ma chérie, tu ferais mieux de t’y faire maintenant” which in english would be something like ” Honey, Life is Unfair, you better get used to it now it will save you a lot of disappointments later”.

  21. So I read this days ago when it first came out and it warmed my heart and reminded me of the kind of mom I wanted to be for my kids. It’s not all about being their friend, huh?? I needed that!

    BUT… and I feel kind of bad even asking this, but it’s been nagging me for days…

    “Don’t you dare come in this house pregnant if you don’t mean to be pregnant. I don’t care if you’re 31.”

    Didn’t you just turn 31? Is this a veiled announcement???

  22. I’m fairly certain our mothers went to the same School of Child-Rearing! So funny, because it hey are so true. Moms do know best! But seriously, the same!

  23. Just brought tears to my eyes. Our mothers sound a lot alike! Love love love your blog, your posts always brighten my day!

  24. My mom was the same with several of those! I almost forgot about the sleepover thing, with going to church. You’re right, that totally preps you for doing all the stuff you don’t want to as an adult!

  25. Thank you so much for sharing!!! I really needed to hear some of those life lessons today. I shoulld probably book mark this page so that I can get a refresher course of them once in a while.

  26. Wonderful memories. Was the picture taken at the Nut Tree restaurant in Vacaville,CA? I remember riding horses like those at the Nut Tree!

  27. I LOVE this. Obvi, lots of people relate bc so many comments! The advice reminds me a lot of things my mom said (and still says), almost every single piece. Moms are the best! Thanks for sharing; totally made my day and made me miss my Mom.

  28. Oh this is brilliant. My mom said most of those things too, and the scary part is, I catch myself spouting them too, all. the. time. Especially the apple one.

  29. The scissors! Yes! And “shut-up” being a bad word – that and “stupid” were banned in our house growing up. I still can’t bring myself to use either one of those casually.

  30. Wow, my mom definitely wasn’t a life lessoner at all. She was more of a kitten heels eyeliner type of mom. Thank you for sharing. I like the “you must not be hungry,” “Its ok that it’s not fair” and the donate everything lessons most. Xo

  31. Moms are amazing people – teaching us lessons that we don’t want to hear at 12 but when we are 46 – so glad we learned them! This post came at a good time – my mom’s birthday is on the 18th – and I miss her terribly every day (she died just over a year ago). It is good to remember your mom when she is here so you can hug her and thank her in person.

  32. I have 3 boys (ages 11 & 7-twins) and have several pairs of decoy scissors available for everyone to use…and I hide MY scissors & if anyone (including the husband) uses them they’re busted! :)

  33. The scissors! Always with the scissors! My mom was crazy about her scissors! The Tums that I ate like candy were always my dad’s, though. Your mom sounds like my mom and I love her. This was a beautiful tribute to a wise and wonderful woman. She sure did a good job with you, Joy the Baker. xo

  34. my mom used to pick me up early sunday to go to church too!! I knew it was the price to pay, glad to say i’m a disciplined adult (i think)

  35. be braver than you think you can be – perfect! Joy you are such a great writer – whether you are talking about food, expressing your thoughts or telling a story, you are my absolute favorite!! I love everything you do!

  36. My gosh, that is a drop dead gorgeous picture. I’m surprised you weren’t snapped up for modeling. I bet people stopped your parents all the time telling them what a pretty daughter they had.

  37. Of course everyone knows this, now, but your mom is amazing.

    However, what everyone does not know is that the apple sentence has been looping in my brain.

    So, I ate a pear.

    Instead of a(nother) gooey coconut dream bar.

    Because of YOUR mom. =)

    AND that discipline thing explains why you were at the laundry at 7 a.m. (this never stops amazing me) to misplace a tiny pair of panties and make a homeless man’s day. I love that story, and that image, but I can’t get past: “Doing laundry? At 7 a.m.?” I find your discipline and productivity inspiring and HELPFUL. =) So, some thanks need to be said to YOU. Thanks. =)

  38. This post absolutely melted my heart. I love your mama. I hope I can be a mama like that.

    Also love your cute little baby cheeks (from your baby picture – I’m not being condescending). ;-)

  39. It is nice to know that my house was not the only one where “shut- up” was not allowed :) I felt like a freak growing up since I wasn’t allowed to say that haha but in the long run I think it has helped me to be more polite in conversation with other :)

  40. It’s funny how many of those sayings are common to mom’s of all generations! I’ve heard many of those, and said many of those. My mom sewed so the scissors one I got from her, and I do calligraphy, so I said that to my kids. Haha! Great picture of you and your mom! You look just like you look now, and I mean that in a good way! Beautiful!!

  41. Yes: the fabric scissors. The calligraphy pens! I heard these things as well. (Why don’t we do calligraphy like our moms?) Love this post, Joy. ; )

  42. I am laughing as we have similar mom’s…and boy are we lucky and better for it. I am a crafter and have seperate scissors for my fabric and ribbon and have a fit if someone (read hubby or others) cut other stuff with them…especially tape..oh my.. i always got the you aren’t hungry if you aren’t eating what is in front of you.. Fun way to start my my Monday!

  43. I always say, “Good kids come from good parents.” You are a good kid, and this post explains why.
    You are also going to be a good parent yourself when the time comes.

  44. Oh my goodness, the scissors! Hilarious ! I soooo relate. My mom had “her” scissors too, and they were Fiscar’s, presumably sewing scissors, but my mom didn’t sew! She kept them in the kitchen and they got the most use cutting off price tags from clothing, and in later years, cutting very straight edges of wrapping paper. Basically they were to be used: 1) however she deemed appropriate at any given moment, and 2) not by me.

    And to bring it full circle, I maaaay have written “Mommy’s scissors” once in my life, after becoming so frustrated at not finding a brand new pair and only pair, mere hours after purchase, as my daughter absconded them, to join the ranks of her dozen-or-so kid-sized and fancy-edged scissors that were kept not far from mine, by her art supplies. When i asked her about “my scissors”, she shared her offense of my emblazoned-by-Sharpie proclamation of ownership and told me, at age 6, that it was “rude, and not nice”.

    My daughter left me searching for words to explain my behavior, but now, 6 years later it all makes me laugh so hard because I now knew how each of them felt, and I was grateful to have had the chance to experience both sides of scissor need and ownership.

    Thanks for sharing, Joy. I hope you are as proud of yourself as your mom undoubtedly is.

  45. The one about Tums made me laugh! Normally when I tell people about how my siblings and I used to consider Tums candy I get a funny look. Although my mom used to give them to me in lieu of medicine when I would complain about some vague pain or something…which led to me making stuff up of course :)

  46. Joy you are so fabulous and this post was awesome! I just saw that new movie, Argo, and there is an actress in it (Clea DuVall) that looked so much like you! She looked like you in the movie, not so much outside of it. Check it out!

  47. It’s like your mom KNEW I was sitting here reading blogs instead of cleaning the shower and hand-washing my bras. Fine. discipline.

  48. ” I don’t put up with nonsense and I didn’t teach you to put up with nonsense either.”

    Right on, Joy’s Mama!

  49. Joy,

    Thank you so much for your blog post today about your mom. I read it out loud to my family. My husband and I remember our parents saying the same things your mom said. We are now passing on words of wisdom to our two girls. Thanks!

    Linda

    Ps: love your blog, and book.

  50. I am the mother of a 16 year old boy, we (yes both of us) are taught life lessons every day. I have come to love the sigh that follows me saying “k, Bub, listen to me ’cause this is a life lesson you need to learn.” (His nick name is Bubby; I am not trying to sound tough).
    After many life lessons spoken and the uncertainty of knowing if they were sinking in my son has taught me that kids do learn, they listen and they watch. He has started teaching a class of 12 year olds and I very proudly overheard one day… “Listen Scott, I do not care who started it, I am ending it now…” I have also been witness to a life lesson be restated by him to my boyfriend’s daughter.
    Joy, be sure to let your Mom know you listened and learn, it makes our momma hearts swell (in a good way).
    Thank you for allowing us to peep on your life.
    Sheila

  51. Love! All of these. Basically just because they are all absolutely true and totally not tired or cliche. Thanks for the precious reminder.

  52. Great! Every mother needs to read this. I had a mother like that and I was a mother like that. We also ate all of our meals as a family (except for lunch when they reached school age) They learned that their father works hard to provide for us and they would not die of hunger!

  53. What a mom!!! I learned so many of those exact lessons from my mom. I had to laugh about the scissors, caligraphy pens, and just how hungry are you…Lessons from real life and he I thought it was just us!
    Moms are pretty awesome. Glad you got a good one!

  54. I love the photograph of you and your mother at the Nut Tree in Vacaville. I remember being terrified of falling off those rocking horses as a little girl, so having a mom “help” is a great image.

  55. Omg…. my mother used to say almost verbatim the same thing about the apple and not being hungry. She still says it to this day! Too funny! That line about having an apple when you’re hungry must be in The Mother’s Handbook or something… Just sayin’

  56. Love this! My mom still carries a little bag of cut up apples wherever she goes! I only hope to do as well as your mom at teaching my daughter to respect herself and those around her!

  57. I know your mom. I am just like your mom. My mom was just like your mom. Guess it’s what moms do. And thank goodness!

    (Though it was my dad who hammered in the lesson that life isn’t fair.)

    Thanks for the love letter to your mom and to all moms.

    :) Karen

  58. I love the no nonsense Mama. And as an adult do you ever find yourself wondering why all people don’t know the same ‘life rules’ as you? I think to myself, why would you put your dish in the sink when the dishwashers empty? And than remember not everyone was under the dishwasher polices’ watchful eye growing up.

  59. My sons, ages 30 and 25, still talk about the laundry basket, soap, and laundry lessons they received for their 12th birthdays. They laugh now though they weren’t so amused at the time. I’m delighted I can tell them that they weren’t the only ones.

  60. Love this. You are definitely the product of some great parenting. Being a mom of boys, I try my best to adhere to as many Mama pearls of wisdom as I can( my current favorite being-Don’t break your Mama’s heart). I hope they can appreciate it some day the way you have with your Mom. It’s a big goal to achieve, but the juice is always worth the squeeze.

  61. Thank you for sharing this! My mama had the scissor rule, too. ‘ Just because my pinking shears make pretty designs does not mean you can use them to cut everything that’s not fabric.’
    I’m calling my mama now. Thank you from her, too.

  62. Joy,

    I didn’t see this post until today, but you posted it on what would have been my mom’s birthday (she died when I was a teenager). She was on my mind a lot yesterday, of course. One thing I remember her saying to me was, whenever I was pouting about something, “A little bird’s going to come perch on your lower lip.” Even now, remembering her saying that can help pull me out of a funk. Thanks for the reminder about moms’ lessons!

    Jennifer

  63. lovely Joy. Thanks for sharing & having incredible parents!
    Joyce W dropped a few: ‘What would you do if you were stranded on an island and I wasn’t here? Be resourceful.’

  64. Your mother and I must have gone to the same school of mothering, because I have said each and everyone of those things to my kids. Except, my comment on getting pregnant was “you caught it! You keep it! I quit baby sitting when I was 17.” It’s worked so far.

  65. Last night, my five-year old daughter claimed to still be hungry after dinner (I think she wanted a blondie) and I just busted out an apple and my husband said, “Are you hungry?” I answered for her and cut the apple, which she somberly ate, she perked up after a few bites.

    I have a lot of fabric scissors but it is my husband I have to patrol.

    I don’t put up with nonsense. No, stop it.

  66. This is such a sweet post, and I never thought anyone else got in trouble for stealing mom’s scissors! Growing up I heard “WHERE ARE MY SCISSORS” followed by the list of everything they’re NOT for more times than I could count!

  67. Aww, lovely list. I am sure my mom feels totally vindicated on the scissors advice. Yeah, many a scissors I’ve ruined that can’t cut fabric anymore (or is it the other way round?).

  68. what a GREAT post from a couple of GREAT moms! if EVERYone taught their kids these principles, the world would be a much better place and there would be a lot more kindness everywhere. just sayin.

  69. Love this!! The words “because I said so” hount me to this day ;) I don’t know how often I heard that….and I keep repeating it to my nephews constantly. Sometimes that’s just all you can say;)

  70. love your tribute! mama knows best! when i was a kid, i thought to myself ” i don’t want to be like mom; i’m going to do things differently.” of course, now that i have my own kids, i realize that mom did know best. And ya know what, i’ve turned into my mother! i catch myself saying the things that she used to say. i love your blog!!!

  71. eat an apple!!!!!!!! i do this one to my kids all the time! i may have become my mother… and that’s not a bad gig.
    my momma also used to pick me up from sleepovers for church. lesson learned. lesson appreciated. thanks for the reminders, joy!

  72. Wow–I’m only in my 30s (with 4 kids) and your mom and I say the same things. I like to think that I just have some old fashioned ways about me or that your mom was ahead of her time. ha ha
    *especially the laundry–no reason you can’t do it at 12 if you can reach the detergent and knobs, you are ready!

  73. I think your mom and my mom have the same philosophy on life. But my mom adds in, “No, you will NOT be carsick. We don’t get carsick.” and she wears a sheriff’s badge pin that says “Trailboss”. God bless our mothers!

  74. Loved these so much. And made me miss my mom. I hope my daughter reflects like this about me (she’s 24). And give your mom a big hug.

  75. the scissors rule: i learned early on that my children just wanted to use the scissors with the colored handles…..and so i learned to buy ugly sewing scissors for myself and leave the purple or red handled scissors for them…and the paper uses! and, voila, they stopped taking my scissors! much much easier than the frustration that existed otherwise!

  76. Oh Joy, I loved this. Thanks for sharing. Makes me feel good about the mama-ing I’m doing right now. All the good nuggets are buried in there somewhere and hopefully my kids can manage to make a list like this someday!

  77. Shed a few tears by the end of this, Joy! Some of these ring more true than ever, right now, as the parent of teens. Great kids, mind you. But hard to be the “this is real life, life’s not fair, get used to it” parent sometimes, when your kid is so stressed over the high-acheiver endless list in her mind (and in reality!). And when your good student in college finds out his GPA is not quite good enough for that internship.
    And when the scissors were missing when I grew up, everyone knew to come get them from ME! LOL

  78. More Mom’s should teach these rules. The scissors rule applied in our home too. Sound advice even in todays world!

  79. Great. Love these so very much. My mom had a version of eat an apple… For her it was you’re bored? Read a book. Don’t want to read a book? Then you’re not that bored.

  80. That by itself is a book of life’s lessons that is by all standards award winning. Your mother’s short version of wisdom is brilliant, and her daughter reflects the model. You have been very blessed..

  81. Cute! If I was feeling depressed my mom would say stop feeling sorry for yourself and go do something for someone else.
    It works.

  82. My mother had the scissor rule also …. and now I have it! Cute post, made me smile and think of my Mom.

  83. As a new mum myself… god bless good. loving, though mums in all places. It’s hard sometimes.. but you ended up with a lot of better kids! (and Joy, even better!) Martina

  84. Are you sure are parents are not relatd. OMG that is my mom. But dad always taught me the most important life lesson, he would tell me that when in a situation that I have to decide at that moment just what to do, think of worst senario in the out come. Think hard he would say because there is no turning back. What would be the worst think that can happen with the decision you have made. Well sometimes it was a blessing, other times I screwed up and didn’t listen.
    But mom was always there with guidane saying, why the hell didn’t you listen to your father. LOL Paulette

  85. “You’re hungry? Eat an apple. You don’t want an apple? You must not be hungry.”
    Loooove this! I’m gonna make a poster, frame it and hang it in my kitchen.

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