A Note from Joy
I spent more than a few years wading through the dating pool before I found my way to Will. I’ve never been afraid of marriage itself, but I’ll admit—I’ve always been quietly afraid of an unhappy one. On our wedding night, as the last of the Thanksgiving dishes were dried and put away here in my Bellville kitchen, I turned to my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my sister and her husband and asked a question I probably should have asked before I said “I do.”
“What do people mean when they say marriage is hard?”
I cringed as the words left my mouth, bracing myself for some inevitable truth about hardship or sacrifice. But their answers? Surprisingly simple and comforting: “Marriage isn’t hard if you’ve married the right person.”
While life is complicated and love isn’t a guarantee against hard times, their words stuck with me. There’s a quiet wisdom in trusting the strength of the partnership you’ve chosen.
This idea stayed with me as I shared my thoughts with my friend and photographer Karlee Sisler Flores. Her relationship is one I’ve admired from afar for years, and her perspective on marriage feels like a warm, steady light. Her words resonated deeply, and I’m so excited to share her essay with you here.
We’d love to hear from you, too. What’s the best (or worst!) marriage advice you’ve ever received? Share your gold-standard wisdom—or even your cautionary tales—in the comments. We’re all ears.
Now, here’s Karlee:
“Here, take this.” My mom said as she lifted a pill out of her small cream-colored box she kept for emergencies. “I think you’re having a panic attack.”
I was.
Being just a few short hours away from walking down the aisle, I was scared out of my ever-loving mind. It was cold feet. I was just 24 years old and making a decision that would impact the rest of my life.
I’m writing this, feet warm and toasty, having happily been married to my husband for 15 years. It was the best decision I ever made, and I did it scared.
There is no advice that will guarantee a long and happy marriage. But there is certainly advice that has made my marriage better, stronger even. There’s also advice that could have ruined us. So be vigilant when a well-meaning person gives their advice.
So often, those same well-meaning people, tend to give advice only to the woman while they look at the man and say, “happy wife, happy life.” That is, quite unfortunately, not advice at all. It’s almost like saying – “If the team gets more touchdowns than the other, they’re going to win this game!” While true, it’s not exactly tangible action items. Needleless to say, this post is for everyone, every type of marriage, and every gender.
So here is the best and worst advice we were told before we said I do.
THE WORST
- Don’t let the sun set on your anger. Hi – have you met a tired person? It’s like telling someone they have to stop being hungry before they can eat. Almost every single one of our arguments were solved by a little nap or a long night’s rest. Please hear me out on this one – get yourself some sleep.
- Tie break goes to the man. Yes, this was real advice. I actually don’t think they realized when they said this, that it quite literally means I would have zero say in my own life. Every time I would see things differently, my opinion would be wiped out? Hey! That’s weird. Face adversity with humility. Be understanding of where your partner is coming from. Try to come up with a compromise. But don’t base important decisions off gender. You might end up in a life you don’t belong in.
- Arguing is a sign your marriage needs help. I would venture to say, it’s the sign of a healthy one. I’ll go even further to say the unhealthiest marriages I know, are the ones that don’t fight. Someone in that marriage is losing themselves trying to keep the peace. Being comfortable enough with your partner that you feel safe to express an opposing opinion is the sign you’re happily married. What a joy it is to feel safe. How you argue is more important than how often. Are you able to work it out? Good. Are you able to see your own shortcomings and admit when you’re wrong? You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
THE BEST
- Fight fair. I know this is starting to sound like marriage is all fighting. It isn’t. But knowing someone so deeply, and so intimately means you hold the keys to their deepest insecurities. You could easily say something in the heat of the moment that could tear down the most important person in your life. Don’t do it. In fact, while we’re at it, take out superlatives from your vocabulary. The words never and always shouldn’t be thrown around so lightly.
- Still remain your own individual person. Don’t lose yourself in trying to morph into something you’re not. Your spouse fell in love with you, don’t lose that person. If you need alone time, get alone time. If you need to hang out with friends a few times a week, please do that. Stay curious, stay doing the things you love the most. If you have strong convictions that don’t match your spouses, good! Give them the same courtesy of seeing the world differently. I’m not interested in my husband becoming me, I’m only interested in supporting him and letting him grow to his own purpose.
- Laugh, kiss and play together. I know this feels so broad, but when you’re in the thick of running around, having kids if you choose, making payments, deciding on the best color for the house, or figuring out if the dishwasher is clean or dirty, we can forget to have a little lightness. I am so thankful that I married someone who can laugh at themselves. Marriage is so often portrayed in our culture as settling down, or the one person you sleep with and have kids with. It is so much more than that. Sure, you can keep date night, and that’s great. But for us, the thing that’s kept the spark alive, is that we still flirt with each other, we still laugh, we still do stupid things like puzzles, midnight ice-cream, cleaning the house to early 2000’s R&B, wrestling or even road trips with our favorite podcasts. And that has made all the difference.
Fifteen years ago, I made a promise to a good man. And that’s the most important advice. Marry someone you’re so proud of. Marry your favorite person and all this advice will come naturally. I couldn’t be more thankful that I get to live this life with Daniel. I could really go on and on because I’m still learning every day. But I’d like to hear from you in the comments. Whether you’ve been married 1 year or 50. What’s the best or worst advice you were given? We’re all at the edge of our seats listening.
41 Responses
Great advice here, but certainly doesn’t cover all that marriage may encounter. Loss of a child, financial stress, even infidelity can strain a strong marriage – but maybe not break it. Patience is important. Being willing to forgive your spouse and yourself. Prayer, meditation and a good counselor can also help give perspective. Know that people change, not always for the better – are you still willing to keep that vow of “for better or worse”?
Married nearly 42 years… hopeful for another 20.
I love this post. I love being married. My wife and I met 8 years ago, and from the first date, it felt comfortable, silly, and FUN! We have been through rough times (both in our relationship and individually) and the best things I’ve learned are a result of those times, but moreover, they’ve helped create more good times because those lessons and struggles help you grow together.
My best advice: remember that you and your spouse are a team. Sometimes, when something needs to be repaired or the vet bill is high or work sucks, it’s easy to make your spouse into “the enemy.” Remember that obstacles are the enemy, and your spouse is your teammate. Similarly, as a team, the goal is always to move towards what’s best for your home/marriage. To me, that means no score-keeping: there are weeks when I do “more” and other times when my wife does things I don’t want to do and we support one another in different ways. If we wanted to nitpick, it would be easy, but ultimately, we try to look at what’s best for us as a team and who can meet those needs at the time. Obviously, if you’re doing everything, it’s important to advocate for yourself, but if you feel like you’re both doing your best, try not to get caught up in the little things.
I think communication is key — the closer to the moment when the hurt happens, the better. Recently, my wife and I were having a conversation and I fully blew past something important she shared. She said, “Hey, can we go back to that? It feels like you didn’t hear me and that hurt my feelings.” I was able to apologize, and there was no resentment built up because it was handled in the moment.
Aim for unconditional positive regard. Assume that your spouse is coming from a good place, look at them with the kindest possible eyes you can, and try to see them in the best light.
Make your relationship the safest place possible. To us, this means being able to share things without judgment, having a home that feels gentle and cozy so it’s a gentle landing place, laugh at dumb stuff together, create little rituals and routines, and take care of each other.
My Sweetie and I met in 1992. We were in our early 30’s each with personal things we wanted to achieve and so when we hit the four year mark we both acknowledge that it would likely be 3 more years before we would contemplate moving in together. We are coming up on 33 years of hanging out together later this month. Our successes have come from one rule we have followed since the early sparkle of a new relationship. The rule, “Do not take each other for granted.”
Not married.
I’ve been married for almost 23 years and my husband is not my best friend. He is the most important person but it would not be fair to him or me to handle all of my emotional needs/wants. Especially as I enter the peri-menopause journey, I need the deep friendships of women going through the same stuff.
I very much agree. And yeah…. perimenopause is a doozy.
Good advice..
I couldn’t agree more with all of this advice. I’ve been married 35 years to my love and it’s the best decision I ever made. We have been through great highs and some very low lows in our life together. The difficult events can tear relationships apart, but it drew us closer together as supports for each other, confirming that I am with the right partner. Love him so much ??
Always communicate with your partner. Communication is one of the most important things to keep a marriage on track. Love your partner more than yourself. A wise woman once told me,” Never say ‘I’m sorry’ for words that will hurt someone.” I’ve been married for 52 years and I love him more today than ever. There have ups and downs, way more ups than downs. I know God gave him to me.
Marriage is beautiful and hard because…
… You each keep changing, and sometimes what you want out of life and what you value becomes different.
… It is very very hard not to start taking each other for granted. It’s an uphill battle. Especially decades in.
… The early butterflies of new love came from novelty. Sometimes it’s hard work to intentionally seek novelty together again and again. Especially when kids or other responsibilities take all your energy.
… Eventually you will feel a pull towards someone else. If that happens at a low point in your marriage it might be tempting to explore that connection. Hopefully you can use that as motivation to invest more energy into your marriage.
Also I would ask those family members when they are alone! You might get a different answer when they are not within their partners earshot.
Ooooh you said all the words, Anne! Thank you for your honesty! I’m holding these close.
I was watching an episode of House Hunters today, and the couple (as always) disagreed about what they wanted, but in a humorous and loving way. The realtor helping them made a comment like, “They argue about a lot of things, but they have fun when they argue.” I’m going to keep that in mind next time my husband and I have a bone to pick with each other (which fortunately isn’t too often!).
FUN while we argue. This one is going to be hard to remember but worth a shot! :)
I always remind couples and myself to be nice/kind. So many people say ‘how are you?’ and are considerate toward the bank teller/the pharmacy attendant/their coworkers but then they get home and are not so nice to the people they love the most…
This is so true, Beth. Kindness. Very good reminder!
Fight Fair. I received similar advice before getting married eight years ago. I know my husband better than anyone, as he does me, and we know where our vulnerable spots are. Knowing where to draw the line with words—or the place of no return—preserves respect.
When I first moved in with my now-husband 8 years ago, every little thing made me worry we weren’t compatible or able to make it long-term. If he loaded the dishwasher “wrong”, left something out I wanted cleaned up, or if we had a difference of opinion, I worried we were on the verge of a break-up. One of my good friends said she asks herself if it’s a roommate problem or a relationship problem, and it opened my eyes! So many of the little things I was so worried about were actually “roommate problems”. We talked through those little issues about dishes and laundry without me feeling like we were destined to breakup, and then that helped us learn how to talk through the big issues when they were “relationship problems” we needed to take the time to address.
I also wholeheartedly agree with the advice that marriage is hard because life is hard. It’s hard enough to keep myself happy, healthy, hydrated, well-rested… and now you’re factoring in someone else! You were both showing up for each other before being married- if you keep showing up for each other after being married you’re already on the right path.
Aaaaahh, BRILLIANT to differentiate between roommate problems and relationship problems and not confuse the two! Thank you for this, Cindy!
My husband and I met in our late 20s. Me recently out of a toxic relationship of 6 years, him soon to be divorced from his partner of 6 (3 yrs married). We met in February, started dating in July, got married in late December and welcomed our first child that next October. We both knew what were dealbreakers is a relationship and what we needed in a healthy one. He is my warm light. But in contrast to what was said above about fighting, we rarely argue and, for us, I don’t think it’s unhealthy. We just don’t sweat the small stuff, and we take the time to think about the big stuff. In 26 yrs of marriage, I can only think of a few big fights. He keeps me grounded (I’m the impulsive one), and I help him be less rigid (he’s the planner). It all seems to find a beautiful balance.
That sounds like such a sweet balance! I am not a fighter and want to find resolve right away so fighting may have to be a bit of a practice for me.
Don’t be afraid of therapy. Whether that be individual or couples therapy, it will only help your relationship! Not all of us grew up with a shining example of a marriage to learn from and that can leave you with a lack of how to work through issues. Therapy helps so much with communication.
YES!
I agree with this! My husband and I got married about two years ago, and were a little bit older. I adore my husband, but we were both used to being alone and doing our own thing. A friend once casually mentioned marriage therapy as a sign you were in trouble, but having a neutral party help us work through our different perspectives has been so helpful. I see therapy as a sign that we are committed to our marriage.
I am not married. I’ve always been a little afraid of marriage but I’ve come to realize that perhaps it’s because I was afraid to be “stuck” with all the people that came before my current partner. I also think it’s tough to summarize an entire relationship into small bits of advice but one that comes to the top of my head is: never stop doing the little things that can bring a little joy or appreciation.
For my partner and I, it’s looked a little something like this: my boyfriend has to drive an hour to the office a few times a week while I work from home so I try to make his coffee before he walks out the door (we have an espresso machine) in the hopes that it makes his morning just a little bit easier. We started dating while I was in grad school (I only just finished so the majority of our 3.5 year relationship has been me in school) and on the nights I was overly stressed with homework he would quietly make dinner without disturbing me and hand me a plate of food with a kiss to make sure I’d take the time to eat something. We ask about each other’s days, smack each other’s butts while yelling “butt!” – there’s a lot of eye rolling but also a lot of laughing in this house.
The little things really do make all the difference. It’s speaks back to another reader’s comment about kindness. and the butt smacking and laughing go a long long way! Thank you for sharing this, Amy!
When we were planning vows and promises and futures 12 years ago, my spouse quoted a poem (I forget which) about letting the winds of change dance between us. He said he wasn’t marrying me to pin down who I was or as a promise we’d stay how we were. But promising we’d go on the journey together, whoever and however we changed and grew along the way. As someone with a family history of horror stories about “you’re not the person I married”, having us both acknowledge and value that we were always going to grow and change, just alongside and with each other’s support, made all the difference.
That’s beautiful!
I’ve been married for nearly 16 years now and I’m still trying to figure out how I got my bride to marry me. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me! The biggest piece of advice I’m learning is to serve each other. Sometimes, that may mean stepping back and supporting your spouse in unique ways so they can follow a dream that’s been buried inside of them. It may also mean holding their hair back over the toilet when they’re sick. And it most definitely means showing up and embracing their family no matter how you feel about them. Marriage isn’t 50/50–it’s 100/100–and it requires giving it your all. Don’t just fight with each other, fight for each other. Life is hard and crazy things happen, and how we support our spouses during that time is so important. And also, marriage is a blast! Living life with my best friend, always knowing I have someone in my corner, getting to love on her anytime I want, that’s what dreams are made of. And I have a wife that makes my dreams come true.
I appreciate this so much, Trey! The idea of being of service feels spot on! Way to go being a great husband!