Hello, friends. How are you? We are deep in a season of grief at my house. My mother-in-law, Donna, died last week. She was diagnosed with an aggressive form of uterine cancer several years ago, and sadly, this summer, she had a recurrence and despite only being diagnosed in August, she died this week. I wrote a little bit about her here and here. I’m grateful I got to know her, and also grateful that I got to be there at the end.
Her death came on the heels of the election and in the middle of pundits yelling and every other post in my social media threads warning me that the end was nigh. For my small family, it felt like we were living on a totally different planet, mired in the day-to-day realities of watching someone die while the world spun madly on. Death is the ultimate reminder of how little control we have over anything.
My wife was down in Southern California for two months caring for her mom while I held down the fort at home — including welcoming my mother-in-law’s dog into our family. Our friends, family, and neighbors were incredible: they kept us fed, helped with dog care, checked in on us, and sent thoughtful gifts and flowers and cards.
The thing I found most heartening were the people outside of our day-to-day lives — the strangers. The hospice team that cared for my mother-in-law (hospice workers are angels, I’m sure of it) were so unbelievably kind. The residents of the apartment community where my mother-in-law was living stopped us in the halls to hug us and wish us well and ask how they could help. We grew very fond of a particular AirBNB, and the owner did the small-but-big things: stocked the fridge with snacks, waived cleaning fees, and left a beautiful flower arrangement for us the day we left, offering their condolences and wishing us well.
There were a million tiny kindnesses extended by people we didn’t know and in a time that was so harsh and sad, it means everything.
This experience has reminded me that I can’t always control the big things — but I can bring my best to the little things. It’s reminded me that love and empathy are still possible and that they matter. I know without a doubt that I don’t agree with the politics of many of the people who have shown us care over the past few months; however, I have been reminded that when you’re offering care and sharing in someone’s pain, many of those things fall away, no matter what the people on TV or the Internet yell at me about.
I won’t be inviting anyone who doesn’t believe in my basic dignity to my home, and I’m not suggesting that you do, either. But I have found that every time I’m willing to listen to someone’s point of view, offer warmth when it would be easier to be cold, or take a breath before responding, life feels a little easier. I’m able to connect to the goodness that does exist in people instead of living in a world that feeds off of my despair.
I hope you’re able to find ways to be kind to yourself and others as we move through this holiday season. You’re doing great, I just know it.
• There’s always are you a Carrie or a Miranda quizzes (obviously, I’m a Magda) but are you an Aristotle or a Plato? (TIME)
• When life feels chaotic, less is more. This is the move during these busy times. (Time)
• It’s time for the most heartwarming fundraiser of the year: Transanta! (Transanta)
• I am really into miso-tahini-sweet desserts, and this skillet cookie fits the bill. (Joy The Baker)
• David Foster Wallace: “This Is Water.” A great read I always come back to. (Farnam Street Blog)
• My best friend randomly got us tickets to go see Maggie Rogers a few weeks ago. I’ve been a fan for years, but hadn’t seen her live. Let me just say that if you ever get the chance, GO. In the mean time, I loved this interview with her and this video of Pharrell reacting to her song “Alaska” is one of my favorite things to watch as an artist. (The New Yorker, YouTube)
• Loved this piece on how one woman reads so much (I’m blown away), books that changed Leslie Stephens’ of Morning Person’s life, and Time’s 100 Must-Read Books of 2024. (Substack, TIME)
• How much information is TMI? The power of disclosure on friendship. (Substack)
• A hospital in Scotland has hired a professional gamer to play with children who are sick. Get the tissues before you watch this one. (BBC)
• If we are friends in real life, and you ever come access me wearing these Vuori Boyfriend Joggers, I will demand that you pet my thigh to feel how soft they are. If you need some softness this holiday season, get these. Just trust me. No pets required. (Vuori)
• How Americans can tackle political division together and why it’s important for Americans with different beliefs to talk to each other. (TIME and NYT Gift Link)
• While I am mostly opting out of Thanksgiving this year, I do plan to make this delicious Pumpkin Tarte A La Bouillie. A sugar cookie crust with a pumpkin custard? Say less. (Joy The Baker)
• Why walking helps us think. (The New Yorker)
• A course to help you tackle your fear of flying? Amazing. I need them to make one for vomit phobias (a real thing I have). (NYT Gift Link, The Skill Collective)
• Two takes on the election I really appreciated: every day is all there is and shame does not a movement make. (Substack)
• I love a coffee cake and this orange soufflé number sounds heavenly. (Food and Wine)
• I want this book about artists’ homes so badly. I love a good coffee table book, and this one is pure escapist pleasure. (W Magazine)
• I definitely have a bunch of bananas rotting on my counter, and some strawberries that need to be used up so I’ll be whipping up a batch of this strawberry banana bread. (Joy The Baker)
• I’m ready to throw this year directly into the garbage, so I’m already thinking about New Years goals. I love this Ten Year Plan idea. (Your Ten Year Plan)
• I personally love a good round-up, but this article about the banality of online recommendation culture was an interesting read. (The New Yorker)
14 Responses
Oh my. I am late to this blog post yet please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother-in-law. May you and your wife find peace, comfort and laughter from good memories. While reading I had to pause, save many links to read later, and grab a tissue to cry before finishing.
If I may share since the timing is spot on: I too helped care for my mil during her last year. Hospice workers are an important force of kindness. Also: my mom is having her 1st radiation treatment for breast cancer next week. We’re all in shock since this isn’t’ genetic in our family and she’s been through challenging strokes and back surgery before. Her happy outlook on life and strength keeps me going. So true about taking walks: I do them nearly daily to reset my mind.
Comfort and holiday baking is in full force here as well.
Take care.
Amy, what a beautiful message. Losing someone so loved hurts to the core. My heart goes out to you and your wife. I appreciated reading that you have been surrounded by friends and strangers alike who have hugged you and your wife with kindness in small and simple ways. I’m in the thick of motherhood with two littles and your words reminded me that small can be big. I often think I need to do big things to show big love, which is not the case and is not feasible at my current stage in life. I hope you both continue to experience many small acts of loving kindness as you navigate this new world. Sending love and prayers to you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. The little things people do when you are grieving really do lighten the load. Sending love.
I’m sorry for your loss. May Donna’s memory be a blessing.
Sending you and your wife (and family) love. My MIL died of pancreatic cancer after over a year of treatment; I understand the slow but quick (and quick but slow) feeling that kind of death can have. <3
Thank you for these links!
I'm also making Joy's pumpkin tarte for the first time this year. It's likely just my partner and I, maybe my BIL as well, but I'm making two desserts; one time in college I made three pies for the three of us.
I clicked on the TIME top 100 books link knowing full well my husband is going to roll his eyes (in love) at me. This girl loves the library so dang much.
Very excited to look into Your Ten Year Plan.
I’m so sorry for loss of your MIL. What a tough time. It sounds like you had many supportive people to help. You’re right, hospice workers are the best. Thank you for the links. I especially needed to read ‘Every day is all there is’. I saw my doctor a couple days ago and I talked to her about my sleepless nights and she said a lot of the same things. The article just reiterates it for me. Which is helpful to hear more than once. :)
I am so sorry for the loss of your MIL in this difficult time. Thank you for sharing with us.
Amy – Thank you for your beautiful words. I always look forward to your posts. I’m so sorry for your and your wife’s loss. I hope you find comfort in family and friends that support you and little joys like Morning Person and Vuori Boyfriend Joggers (2 of my favorites).
So sorry for your loss. 1) It is indeed an honor to be there at the end of someone’s life! 2) Hospice workers are indeed angels on earth.
I’m so very sorry for your loss? I’m a private caregiver and “one of the helpers” ?? I’m so glad you found moments of peace and happiness thru the dark times.There are helpers and angels everywhere..we need to remember to look for them:) These troubled times have me living in candlelight because it soothes me.Quiet dinners with music and oh how I love Maggie:) afternoon walks no matter the weather and putting up the Christmas tree the EARLIEST I ever had ? taking way more deep breaths and sending thoughtful cards to those I love and past clients that stayed on and in my heart.Blessings to your family.
Hi Amy – I am very sorry for your loss. I went through a similar situation with my father a few year’s back. The goodness and kindness extended to me, my father, and my family blew me away. And yes, hospice workers are extraordinary.
As far as the post-election “appallment”, the best thing that I have found to do is not to turn on the TV or read too much about it. And stay off line. It has really been very good for me to not hear what the talking heads think. And I will say this: there was no mandate. Harris received the third highest number of votes from Americans in the history of presidential elections. Which is to say that we are a force and it is our country too.
I am sorry for your loss and cane relate in more way than one, my mother-in-law passed away on Election Day. She was kind, caring and such an amazing lady who welcomed me with open arms from day one, I will miss her.
AS you say, the world goes on around you and we are bombarded in grief by so much negativity from the media, social media, etc. It is has to reconcile the outside world with all of the tiny moments of kindness from family, strangers and friends.
I don’t share the some political convictions with some of my family and friends but thankfully as the world has gotten darker our love of one another has been able to shine through our differences.
I hope that you find a measure of comfort in your memories of your mother in law and that her pup offers you the same love she gave to you.
Take care of yourself and your family.
Thank you for sharing your story and all of your interesting links. Off to spend an hour clicking through them all.
Particularly rich set of recommendations this week, thank you, Amy. I have been feeling quite bitter since the election, and being reminded of our shared humanity is always a good thing.
I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your wife comfort and peace this holiday season.
THANK YOU! For all of it, for the goodness this post has. I am very sorry for your loss, more difficult during an already trying time. May her memory be a blessing and bring you comfort and peace. Bless you for taking the dog! I am going to have to click on every link in this article, as they are all so relevant. Be safe during this holiday season and always. I feel all your emotions! It is the encouragement I needed to hear to keep practicing kindness to others and to ourselves, as it is so easy to wallow in the doldrums and post seismic shock of the election outcome. I’m looking at that pumpkin recipe. Happy Thanksgiving, as it is the simple, beautiful moments that give us strength.